Monday, February 27, 2017

Unfair to the comets?

When I first met Swede, we tried to do a more "full time"-ish relationship. Despite the long distance. After a few months, I realised (again!) that I didn't have the time or energy for yet another full time relationship. I've come to this realisation several times before, but I keep trying again. Because I like having intense emotional connections with people.

Instead of cutting Swede completely off, he became something like a comet (which I explained here). Sometimes we chat several times per day, sometimes we don't speak for a week. We have some great long skype calls, but they have become much less frequent than they used to be. I still care deeply for him, and I'm really looking forward to seeing him again this summer. I hope we can play and have fun, but just as important is cuddling and talking. Because I love him and look forward to spending time with him.

For me, this amount of contact works out perfectly. I spend time with him when I've got the energy and opportunity to do so, and don't feel bad when that isn't possible (or try not to feel bad, anyway). I've got a fairly busy schedule, he has a very open schedule, meaning that he's almost always available whenever I want him to be.

What bothers me about this arrangement is that it gives me too much power. I feel like I become some sort of royalty, doling out my attention to supplicants who come begging. He has to wait on my time. On my whims. I'm keeping him at arm's length, because I don't have the energy for anything closer or more involved. And he accepts that, despite missing me and despite not having anyone else in his life that he can turn to for intimate relations or close emotional support. It feels too unfair, for him. Too unbalanced.

Of course, I don't see how we could have any other sort of relationship. This is the best and the most involved that I can offer. I don't have any other solution. I guess it just makes me feel bad that I'm his only source for emotional or physical closeness, so he's left bereft whenever I can't prioritize him.

We've spoken about this, and he claims to be ok with it. He says that some of me is better than none of me, and that he's glad he's getting anything at all. That the longing and emotional ups and downs are worth it. I have to trust that, and trust that he's able to take care of himself and his own needs. I just worry that I'm taking advantage, seeing as everything is on my terms.

The reason this has come up at all, is because of Cogito, the guy I met this weekend. If things work out, and we keep getting along, he could theoretically become another comet. Another "this is great fun when it happens, but for long stretches of time it won't"-kind of relationship. And I worry.

That guy claims that it only seems unfair from my standpoint, but I don't understand that statement. It's the guys I worry about, after all. Not myself. I'm in the sweet spot, getting the most by giving the least. I don't understand how that isn't unfair on some level, but like I said: I don't have a solution.

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