Saturday, April 30, 2016


I met Giant again, yesterday, and for the first time I spent the night. I had a lot of ideas for things I wanted to try out (like verbal humiliation and "impossible" tasks), but didn't get to do them all. Not a bad thing, this just means I've got more in store for him at some later date. The only really, really new thing we tried was cock bondage. But we didn't do it much. I'm going to do more of that at some later date, maybe combined with some light CBT.

I wanted to put my mark on him, so I made a bite mark on his chest. I also made long, red scratches on his arms and rope marks on his back and across his shoulders. I tried marking his ass, by spanking him, but only managed to make some very faint bruises. Guess I'll have to try harder next time...

He used a safe word for the first time, adorably saying "orange" in stead of "yellow"/"pink", because he was flustered and didn't remember. (Still, I got the meaning behind the word!) I'm glad he did. I need to train him to use the safe words more confidently, and not feel bad about it.

After spanking him really hard, and him using the safe word, I was nice to him for a while. I gave him compliments, stroked his hair, told him I was proud of him, and that I thought he was sexy. I'm not sure if it was the spanking or just being comforted and held (probably a mix of the two), but he broke down and started to cry. He's cried in front of me before, but that's just been a tear or two. This was proper crying. I think it helped him get rid of other negative emotions as well, unrelated to the two of us. Afterwards, he was spent. Empty. Tired. But he felt good. As if the weight on his shoulder had been lightened.

After a break and some more food, we continued. It was time to fuck his ass again. I fingered him first, to make him open up to me. He's getting really good at relaxing and enjoying himself. Then I fucked him face-to-face, with his legs on my shoulders. It worked fairly well, but is tiring for the both of us. We switched so I was on my back and he was straddling me. While I've fucked him before, we haven't made that position work before.

He worked his way onto the strap-on dildo and rode it like a cowboy. Like a girl would do, when she's riding someone's real cock. I was stroking his dick, he had control over the depth and angle of the penetration, and soon climaxed from it.

I just lay on my back, watching him pleasure himself. His eyes half closed, his head arched back, a mad grin on his face. That was sooo sexy! I totally get why guys enjoy it when a woman rides them!

That was last night. This morning, I fucked his ass again. But this time I only used my fingers. He ALMOST managed four fingers, but was a bit too sore. Two fingers arching and pressing on his prostate, while I was stroking his dick, soon made him come again. I also masturbated this morning, which was nice.

We cuddled and played and fondled each other both in his bedroom, and later (once his house mate had left) in the kitchen and on the couch in the living room. Just as we were headed out the door, fully dressed and in the hallway, I also sucked his dick a bit. I love sucking dick.

Then we left. I hope he's still trembling, remembering what I've done to him.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Giant's failings

Giant came to see me yesterday, and we had many, many hours of fun and play. I finally managed to fuck him properly with a strap-on (last time was too uncomfortable for him to enjoy it). We played with a butplug. I led him around with a collar and a lead. He got to watch me orgasm.

And we learned that he's got a proper masochistic side: He gets turned on by spanking. He finds that the burning, stinging sensation after a stroke with a cane or whip, is pleasurable. Now, personally I don't get this at all. But then, I'm no masochist. I'm just glad he's found more stuff he enjoys. And I'm glad it's pain. I love hurting men when I play with them. (Yep, I'm definitely a sadist.)

Giant has always seemed too good to be true. Great looks, intelligent, witty, good social skills, stable job, interesting hobbies... Yeah, the whole package. Like I've mentioned before, I thought him to be over my league. However, I've finally found out what's "wrong" with him, or rather: What makes him human, like the rest of us.

You see, no matter how gorgeous he is, he doesn't see it or believe it himself. His self esteem, especially when it comes to his looks and general level of attractiveness, is very low. It felt almost surreal to stand there with this beautiful, strong (and stark naked!) man, and have him tell me that he thinks of himself as ugly. It just goes to show that your perception of yourself really has NOTHING to do with the facts. (It's actually made me reconsider some of my own body issues. You obviously can't trust your own mind. Not at all!)

Giant has also recently come out of a very long relationship, and although I think he'll be better for it.. It still hurts him. It's been almost a year, but when someone you trust hurt you that deeply, healing takes time. There seems to be unresolved issues there, that he's only partially aware of.

As weird as it sounds, I'm glad he's got flaws. Of course, I'm not happy that he's hurting! But I'm glad to find that he's a human being, like me and like everyone else. He's not perfect.

Monday, April 25, 2016

Bring forth the kink!

I met Arthur again yesterday. Haven't really gotten a chance to talk with him since we flirted and fooled around last year. A short time after the previous blog entry about him, he had somewhat of a mental breakdown. I worry that I might have made him crash harder and faster by pushing him like I did. On the other hand, I think flirting and cuddling was good for him. So I don't really know...

Anyway, it was good seeing him again. He's much better now, though still far from well. I was pleased to discover that all the trust we built up between us last year, hasn't disappeared. He trusts me, to the extent that he trusts anyone. I think he's also pleased that he hasn't been able to scare me off. He made me back off and cool down for almost a year, sure, but I haven't given up on him.

And so we talked, and flirted, and talked some more. He's still somewhat mentally unstable, and can't take too much, or too intense, conversation. And I can be quite intense, when I'm interested in someone. He was really good at letting me know when he needed me to back off and talk of inconsequential things for a while. I did as he asked, but returned to the more intense subjects eventually.

He's been very clear that while we might hug and fondle a bit, we won't go any further. He's not mentally ready to handle anything more physical, at this point. I'm glad he's being so frank with me, as I need such messages loud and clear to actually get them.

Still, it's going to be hard. I've always had a soft spot for semi-broken nerds (like War). It doesn't always work out (Jump being the prime example), but I like to think that I leave the men in a better state than I found them in. It's not just altruism either. I quite enjoy the power my female sex gives me with such guys. And I enjoy the fact that I'm almost never rejected.

Another thing which makes it hard to leave Arthur alone, is that I know there's a kinkster lurking inside of him somewhere. And I love helping people discover who they really are! I think he's probably a dominant and a top. The way he describes his fantasies and his sex life, I see some clear resemblances with T. However, unlike T, there's a stronger desire to hurt and manipulate and dominate. He got turned on by my fear, for gods' sake! There's definitely something there! He's just too afraid to let it out.

But I'll be good! Mostly hands off and all. (I don't really have the time for another fling now anyway.) Still, he sure is tempting...

Sunday, April 24, 2016


Donald left around half past eleven. I spent some time tidying and making myself something to eat. I then spoke with Saint on Skype, chatted with Donald a bit when he got home, and had a chat with Arthur. I wrote the previous blog entry, and was about to go to bed. I was tired, but otherwise fine.

And then, at 01:57am, I crashed. A very physical feeling of change, I went from "just fine" to "bottomless sorrow" in the blink of an eye. Curling up on the couch, crying and shivering. It's now 02:02am, and while I'm far from "well", I'm a bit better.

I have this immense craving for a hug, for someone to hold me. Craving not having to be strong, or knowledgable or in control. I'm not craving being a sub, I just very clearly do NOT want to be a dom right now. The problem is, I'm all alone. T is away to a cabin with lots of kinky friends, Saint is at his place (and I shouldn't be out driving in this state anyway), and there's really nobody else I can call or go see at this hour. Even Giant is traveling this weekend, thus not available.

I'm telling myself, this is just chemistry. This is a domdrop. I know this, I've had this before. I always have a drop after playing with Donald, because we play so heavily and strongly. I was actually expecting this to happen, or something very similar. It usually does.

(The complete lack of intimacy with him is actually exaggerating my tendency to drop. He's snapping out of sub mode so quickly, there's not much cuddling afterwards, not much physical aftercare. I prefer more physical closeness after play, more cuddles. I find that it makes me somewhat less likely to drop.)

Usually, when I'm in this mood, I make myself a cup of tea. Then I cuddle up on the couch, under a blanket, and watch a shitty feel-good movie. Problem is, I'm just too tired for that right now. In stead, I'll try to just go to bed. The chemical imbalance will mostly have righted itself by the morning, and I'll be back to my normal, unstable self again.

Assuming I'm able to sleep.

Three for three, and a low-five

I had a playdate with Donald today. During the day, I kept messaging Daisy (his fiancé), who was encouraging me to hurt and humiliate him. I didn't need the encouragement, but it's nice to know that she's happy to have me play with her man.

Donald is a pain slut, and he loves to have his ass played with. He also enjoys humiliation. Beforehand, while we were talking about what he could enjoy, and he mentioned several things that I've not got much experience with. I knew I would want to try those things, and learn from his wealth of experience.

He showed me how he prefers to carve ginger, and explained how figging is best done without any lube. Apparently the oils in the ginger root react poorly with lube, or some such. I showed it deep in his ass, and tied him in a hog-tie. I spanked him, scratched him and pinched him.

After a break, he showed me something else new: The combination of tiger balm and ice cubes, into his ass. He claims it feels like being struck on the ass hole with a sledge hammer. He was shouting, really shouting, when I showed the ice cubes into him. Obviously in pain. Even after the ice melted, the tiger balm made his ass sting and burn. He was gagged and I made him drool onto a plastic sheet. Once the gag was removed I rubbed his face with his own drool. After that, I dragged him into the bathroom. His mouth and face got washed with liquid soap. Twice. While he was rinsing, I gave him another round of spanking. Then I hurt him some more. And more.

The third session of the day took place in the bedroom. I tied him to the bed, put his feet above his head, and fucked him. Good and deep and long. I also made him suck and lick the strap-on dick (before showing them in his ass, for obvious hygienic reasons). First the pink one (mine) and then the HUGE black one (his). He begged me for it, both in his mouth and in his ass. I've never fucked him face-to-face before (always from behind). It was really intense, and almost too intimate. Not being "vanilla-like" cuddly in that possition felt a bit weird. But I got used to it.

Afterwards, he asked me if I would like to try fisting. This is something I've never done before, but I readily agreed. Always up for new experiences! We took it slow, with lots and lots of lube. Eventually, I got all my knuckles, even the knuckle of the thumb, well into his ass. Not all the way down to the wrist, but missing less than an inch. By then, he was getting too sore and we had to quit. I suspect my hand will have some minor bruises tomorrow, but it'll be worth it. Really fun, really intense experience.

Playing with Donald is challenging, but fun. Fun because he's got so much experience, and enjoys practically everything I do to him. I have almost endless options for play. Also fun because I can always trust that he will use codewords, if something is too hard, too much, or otherwise wrong. That means that I don't have to think FOR him, or code FOR him. I don't have to hold back.

But that's the challenging part too. Because if I don't have to worry about his well being at all, the only limits left to worry about are my own. I know I want to hurt him, but HOW MUCH do I want him to hurt? How much is too much, for me? Where are MY limits? I feel that Donald is challenging me, making me grow. To not care about him, not stop for him, is still difficult. It takes practice. That's also challenging, but I'm learning.

I'm glad I know such an experienced person as Donald. He's got a lot he can teach me.

P.S. Yes, I've now officially fucked three different guys in a week. With my strap-on. Go me!

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Trust and betrayal, when depressed

I've been thinking a lot lately about trust. Trust is such a core value of mine.

I trust that most people don't intend to cause others harm.
I trust that my partners, my friends and others I surround myself with are mostly honest.
I trust in my own mind.
I trust in my own body.
I trust that most people will strive to respect me and my wishes, whenever that's possible for them.

And once that trust, any trust, is shown to be misplaced.. That hurts. For example, I can no longer fully trust my own mind and body. I'm currently hormonally unstable and struggling with depression. This means I'm biased whenever I'm interpreting events and sensory input, giving more credence to the negative than the positive. I also have slightly reduced cognitive function (another gift from the depression), meaning that my ability to multitask and concentrate is poorer than I'm used to. This makes me unsure of myself, angry with my own mind and body, and frustrated that something I thought was trustworthy, actually isn't.

Similarly, a scandal is currently wrecking my extended circle of friends. Three men that "everyone" knows really well, have been convicted of sexually abusing a girl (whom "everybody" also knows) below the age of consent. The girl is now about 20 years old, but back then she was 14-15 years of age. The men were not only legally adult, two of them were over twice her age. They abused the trust of a child. And indirectly, they abused the trust of everyone else who knows them. Or thought they knew them.

This scandal has triggered a wave of discussion and debate about what's ok and what's not, who you can flirt with, how far you can go etc. Mostly good and constructive, with the goal to fight rape culture and prevent similar incidents. However, there's also been a fair amount of finger pointing, as more and more incidents come to air. Mostly not abuse or rape or anything, but definitely things that aren't ok for one person to do to another. And it's made me question the moral integrity and trustworthiness of... everyone. There are so many nasty, terrible incidents out there. And these people just walk about their daily life, either completely ignorant or just not caring about what they've done! It's made me feel like nobody is trustworthy. It's made me question whether I'm trustworthy, myself. What might I be ignorant of? Who's limits might I have stepped over, who's consent might I have violated?

Now, I know logically that this isn't true. Most likely, I've not abused anyone. Most likely, most people haven't. But as I've previously stated my mind isn't completely trustworthy either, so I can't really stop these thoughts. I can't help feeling hurt and distrustful. Of everyone, a bit.

Today, my mind received another "proof" of how you can't actually trust anyone:
I love my work place and most of my colleagues are awesome people. For this reason, I've confided in my team mates, and told them that I'm polyamorous (and roughly what that entails). It makes my day-to-day interactions with them easier, as I don't have to make up mini-lies or lies-by-omission. For example when we discuss what we did that weekend, what our vacation plans are, who that was who just called me, and a million other mundane situations where the mention of someone's significant other(s) would be a natural part of the conversation. I've been very clear, every time I tell this to someone new, that I don't want them to discuss this with others. I want to control who knows and who doesn't. This is a big deal to me, which is something I make very clear.

Today, I learned that one of my colleagues have told someone else. Another colleague of ours, who did NOT know beforehand. This new colleague was not told that this was some big secret and that she shouldn't keep sharing it. No, my secret was apparently spread matter of factly and without much thought. Not much malice either, or so I keep telling myself, but no thought as to the consequences of what had been done. Or what the consequences might be for me.

When I learned of this, I was shocked and hurt and sad and angry. However, instead of growing sullen, glaring at people or talking about them behind their backs, I tried to behave as though we weren't in high school anymore... So after doing a bit of digging to find out who had rattled, I went to confront that person directly. She was upset and sad, and eventually apologized. I believe her when she says she didn't mean anything by it, that she just hadn't thought it through. And sure, everyone can slip up and make mistakes. However, once that mistake was made I would have expected her to come to me and fess up... Instead, I had to find out from somebody else.

And yet, rather than taking responsibility for her actions and handling the consequences... She grows sad, sullen, withdraws and blames others. She blames the woman who told me about it. And she blames me. Apparently, she "didn't know it was such a big deal". There was also an attempt to make me feel guilty that she's now distraught and upset. Making ME the "bad guy" in this, and not the victim.

So I'm angry, and sad, and I feel betrayed. I thought I could trust her, but I can't. And because, like I said, I can't trust my mind to be objective... I'm not so dead certain that she's wrong... Not as certain as I'd like to be. Maybe I really am making too much out of this? Maybe this shouldn't hurt me as much as it does? Maybe I'm the one making the drama, maybe I'm the one who's ruining the work environment? After all, if I hadn't reacted this way, but just shrugged and let it go, no one else would have been hurt. Just me.

Am I wrong to raise the issue? To speak loudly of that which bothers me? To work to prevent it from happening again? Is everything ok, if I'm the only one being hurt?


My trust has been betrayed. That hurts. It's ok to hurt. And voicing my concerns and telling people how their actions have affected me, is the only way there will ever be change. It's the only way to avoid a similar issue in the future. The fact that I happen to be the victim is incidental. The members of my work team speak freely to each other about all kinds of private things. Something else could have been shared. Something worse, for someone else. This problem of gossip needed to be addressed. The thoughtlessness of it. Maybe people will think some more, next time, before sharing someone else's personal story?

I can should "no!" to my heart's content. I can try to convince myself that I'm right to be hurt, and right to try to do something about it. But it's difficult! I'm so unsure of myself, and my brain keeps tricking me. It keeps making these broad generalizations, telling me that everything is black and white: If these (few!) people aren't trustworthy, that means nobody is trustworthy. If those two people spoke of me behind my back, that means everybody does. If everyone is already speaking of me being my back, that means they don't really like me. They are just pretending to like and accept me to my face, and then they snigger whenever my back is turned.

I've had these negative thoughts in other social settings before, but usually not at work. My workplace has been a safe haven for me, much like the BDSM scene is. A place where I knew I could be myself, say (mostly) whatever I wanted, and be accepted and respected regardless of how weird or different I was. A place where my competence is appreciated, and where I get respect from my peers. I feel like that safe haven has been stolen from me. That one act, that one betrayal, stole that from me. And I will have a very, very hard time feeling really safe at work again.

I know, logically, that this was one person. One mistake. One. Amongst many, many people who care about me and respect me and wish me well. And yet my mind cling to this one incident. It digs up similar things that happened when I was a child, and later a teenager. Times when I trusted someone, confided in them, only to later have it thrown back in my face by someone else. My trust betrayed, my confession ridiculed. Being isolated. Alone. Disliked. Nobody to confide in, nobody to trust.

I'm not sure how to handle that right now. It's one thing too many. I'm really sad, and I'm not sure how to get out of it. So I write. It helps me sort through stuff, analyze and re-focus. And I cry. Sometimes, that helps too.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Giant's cock and ass

I met Giant again yesterday.

In a previous entry I wrote that I named him Giant because of his height, and not any other physical attribute. I would like to correct that statement. It turns out, his name is fitting in more ways than one. He's in fact very well endowed. Not abnormally huge, but large enough that he's somewhat intimidating. Both in length and girth. This isn't particularly positive or negative to me, as he won't be penetrating me anyway (except orally). Size isn't really that important, it's how you use it. However, I find it interesting. I've played with quite a few men, but never anyone of such an impressive length and girth. Interesting.

Yesterday, I kept working on the "buffet table" style of BDSM play. Basically, I show him one thing for a short while, give him a taste, then take it away and show him something else. The idea is to broaden his horizon and give him a better idea of what BDSM can be.

There was bondage, nudity, verbal commands, groping, oral sex (for both of us), blindfold, tickling, light spanking, and lots of horniness. I also came, using a vibrator. He was blindfolded and tied up on the bed, not touching me or seeing me. Only able to listen. In the end, he was so turned on he was practically on fire.

We also tried anal sex, in the form of pegging. This is a huge fantasy of his, and his reactions clearly show that this is something he's craving. However, he was just a bit too tight. So even with lots of lube, he grew sore before he grew open enough to really make it work. I did get the strap-on dildo in, almost all the way, but that was about it. We tried to change positions, but it didn't really work. However, I will call this a very successful first attempt, and I believe it bodes well for the future.

Goals for sub developement

Like any new sub, Giant is growing and changing between each encounter. Though I can't really change him, I can help steer his development in the direction I prefer. I have three main goals for his development (for now):

The first goal is that I want him to accept my control over him. I want to teach him to make my desires his priority, and to accept my rules and limitations.

The first time we played, he was very clear that he wanted to orgasm. It was unthinkable for him that we would do something sexual that wouldn't lead to his climax. I ended up giving him the orgasm he wanted, but I did it for him. Because I was afraid to let him down, afraid he wouldn't want me if he didn't get exactly what he wanted. I didn't do it because I wanted to, I wasn't even particularly interested in it. I often play without anyone having orgasms, and I enjoy making the sub horny and mildly frustrated. It's fun for me, and it prolongs the pleasure for them and makes them more sensitive.

So this time, he didn't get an orgasm. I decided that he might be permitted to reach orgasm during some other play session sometime. But not until he stops viewing it as a prerogative. When we play, we will do it my way, by my rules. Don't get me wrong: I love giving people pleasure, and I enjoy making people orgasm, but it should happen when and because I want it to.  (When we aren't together and aren't playing, he is of course at liberty to orgasm as much or as little as he wants. I don't try to control the rest of his life, only the time we spend together.)

Orgasms are just a small part of the whole "I'm in control"-thing. But it's a powerful and hopefully efficient example. When I left him last night, I think he'd gotten the idea.

The second goal is to let out his submissive masochist side and nurture it.
When we first started talking, he sounded like a bottom. He wanted to experience pegging and bondage. That was it. But the more we talked, the more questions I asked, the more a submissive side started to show. He didn't just want to experience things, he wanted to be controlled by someone else. He didn't just want to be tied down and fucked, he wanted to not have a choice. This sounds a lot like submissive fantasies, to me. Last time, I discovered that he had this submissive side. However, he wasn't aware of it, and didn't recognize it when I tried to explain it.

This time, we got a bit further down that road. He's discovered that being placed in situations he doesn't like, or being denied something he wants, can be pretty sweet. Because it enforces the power imbalance and makes his position as a powerless plaything more clear. He's also discovered the inherent power of some body positions. For example, I had him kneel on the floor, face down and ass up. This made him feel vulnerable and not in control, and that in turn made him horny.

Giant has also been very clear that he doesn't like pain. I challenged this last time by pinching his nipples and biting on his earlobes a bit. Nothing very painful, just enough to give a sting. He enjoyed that, to his surprise. Yesterday, I also tied him up in a hog tie and gave him a light spanking.

I'd been hesitant to hit him in any way, but wanted to chance it because I wanted Giant to experience as much as possible. I viewed it as possible that he might not like it, but also equally possible that he might. No way to know if I didn't try.

And he loved it. Not the pain in itself, but the warmth that spreads after each stroke. I used my hand to demonstrate stingy pain, and a short wooden club to demonstrate thuddy pain. He prefered my hand, because he wanted the heat in the skin. The thud of the club went deeper into the muscle, and didn't give the same stingy warmth. He was very surprised that pain could make him horny. I wasn't as surprised, but I was very happy to help him make this discovery. After all, I'm a sadist. I enjoy giving pain, and in the long run having to restrain my sadistic desires would have been a bit boring. I wish to experiment further with spanking, teach him about different implements and techniques and see how far I can push him.

The third goal is to make him better at communicating. This is somewhat of a paradox, because I've previously praised his communication skills. And he IS good at communication, generally. Before we start playing, he's witty and intelligent and has a rich vocabulary. But there is room for improvement:

During play, he's much less verbal. This isn't really a problem, as long as his non-verbal communication is clear. But sometimes, I get the impression that he's holding back. Afraid to make noise, maybe. Not sure. Having to focus on limiting himself, he keeps part of himself back. He doesn't let go as completely as I know he could have. I want him to feel free to be spontaneous, without fear of consequences.

After play, even several hours later, he's still not very verbal. He becomes introspective and works on self-analysis. This is, in itself, not a problem either. But I dislike being excluded. And although he doesn't mean to exclude me, I feel that's kind of a consequence. When he does tell me what he's thinking, he's usually presenting me with conclusions. Ready made. I think it's useful to exchange ideas and thoughts. To process through dialogue. It's a way to get to know each other. Also, thinking together can often be better (or at least different) than thinking alone. Both have value.

For me, his thoughts are also a good way for me to analyze and evaluate my own performance as a dominant. When I only get the conclusions, like "I loved it" or "I want to experience more", I don't get much to work from. This doesn't help my thought process, or my developpement. So when I get those finished conclusions, I have to ask a tonne of follow-up questions to get any idea of where those conclusions are coming from. I don't mind asking questions, but I would like to me more included in his thought processes. If possible.

Monday, April 18, 2016

A record?

Funny thing!

If everything works out with all parties involved, I might get to fuck three different men with strap-on in one week (Saint, Giant and Donald).

That's got to be some kind of personal record. Haha!

A proper pounding

As I wrote in a previous entry, Saint has been struggling to accept that I'm playing with Giant. He's agreed to it, but it's still difficult. Like I wrote earlier, every time I play with someone, it's a struggle. However, I think he's been handling it better this time. True, he had a rough couple of days, but he's started to snap out of it. That's a lot quicker than last time (with Donald).

One great thing about playing and flirting with new people is the NRE. The energy and increased horniness doesn't just benefit the new guy, it benefits every relationship that I'm involved with. I've certainly cuddled more with T in this past week that I did the previous month. With Saint, I've not so much been cuddly. I've rather been a horrible, horny, energetic bunny who just wants to hump everything. Of course, this doesn't have to be a bad thing.

Today, for example, we played rougher and more intense than we have in a long time. Not with pain, this time, but with a strap-on. I've fucked him with a strap-on before, but it's never worked this well. I didn't hurt him, he didn't grow sore, he was able to relax and everything went smoothly. I was just able to fuck him and fuck him and fuck him. Slow, hard, long or short, while standing up or cuddling close. It was really intense, and sweaty and hot. There's an intimacy, when one partner is inside of the other, that you can get in no other way. His eyes, his face, his body.. He's just perfect. The play was just perfect.

Once we grew tired of fucking, I sat on his face. I was sooo wet. He liked that. I liked that. I love him.

He's better now. The thought of me playing with Giant doesn't scare him as much anymore. Apparently, the cure for an insecure sub is a proper pounding. Good to know.

Giant playing

I went to see Giant yesterday, in between two other appointments. We didn't have that long together, but it was long enough to get a taste of things to come. And it was awesome!

I experimented with ropes and leather cuffs, mostly. He was convinced he didn't like pain, but I showed him that a bit of pain can be really, really sweet. No whips or crops, just nails pinching his nipples and scratching/gabbing him. This was all well and good, but nothing exceptional. Nothing I haven't done many, many times before, with many, many men. What made this different, though, was him.

First of all, he's very good looking. I've been physically attracted to him for years (which is one of the reasons why Saint has found it so difficult to accept that I'm playing with him). Giant is tall, well built, fairly muscular, but not so sculpted as to make him unattractive (I prefer men that aren't all muscle). He's got a beard, which I love (both T and Saint are also bearded). And he's hairy all over (except the crotch area, obviously), which I'm also really attracted to. I find it gives the skin an interesting texture (T is also really, really hairy. Saint is more normal in this respect).

Secondly, he's very good at communicating. He's intelligent and competent, and acts like an adult rather than an insecure 14 year old (like may of the random subs I meet). He was fairly verbal before we started play, and would readily discuss sex-related topics with me. This is important, for me to get an idea of what his interested in and in what direction I should start exploring. Once play started, he grew more introspective and less verbal. However, his body language was very open and honest.

Of course, my "readings" aren't perfect. I still need practice to predictably be able to find that boarder between pain and pleasure. This lead to several interesting situations, where he was convinced that I sabotaged his ability to jerk off. In truth, I just hurt him a bit too much, because I didn't read him right. I let him think it was on purpose during the play session, though. To further support the idea of me as a super-dom who can read minds (FYI, I can't). And it certainly was amusing to me (I am a sadist, after all). I'll tell him later, though. In the long run, it pays to be open about my own shortcomings.

The third reason why the playing yesterday was so great, was his submission. Now, how can I explain what I mean by that..? I describe it as mentally going "down", but if you haven't felt it you probably don't understand what I mean...

I mean the acceptance of the dom as a superior being, who's completely in control. The trust. Letting go of the analytical part of you mind, which has to analyse and overthink everything. Not pondering about the past or the future, just being present. Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally present. Looking away when I meet your eyes, bowing your neck, being open to my every desire and every move. Your acceptance of the natural hierarchy in the play session. Wanting to please me, wanting to make me proud, wanting my praise. Passively awaiting my command. Showing me with your body, these primitive signals of submission.

He didn't submit much, really, and he's not conscious of what's happening when he's doing it. He doesn't recognize it in himself, and he doesn't even understand it when I try to describe it. However, he's definitely doing it. I can see it in his eyes, in his face, when I remind him that I'm the one in charge. When I remind him that he's not in control. It's just so endearing. This big, strong, competent man, who submits to me the first time we play. Very charming. I wish to nurture that submissive instinct, and bring it more to the foreground. I think he could come to enjoy that side of himself, if he lets it out a bit more. I feel privileged and grateful that he lets me be the catalyst of such self-discovery.

I'll see him again on Wednesday, and I have high hopes. I don't know how far I'll be able to go, or what we'll end up doing exactly. But I have a few ideas. I'm looking forward to it.

Brutal polyamory bloody hurts

Where do I even begin?

I've named the new guy Giant. (Because he's tall, and we've talked a lot about his height. Not for any other reason. Get your mind out of the gutter! (On the other hand, this is a sex blog. So feel free to stay in the gutter. Haha.)) I told Saint that I'd been flirting with Giant, and had planned to meet Giant and play with him. Saint and I are in agreement that I can play with other people. He knows I'm polyamorous, and that I'm not sexually "faithful" to him and/or T.

But knowing and feeling are two different things. So initially, he didn't take it well. He usually doesn't. Every time I wish to play with someone else, it's a struggle. He gets convinced that I'll find someone "better" and leave him. He gets depressed and struggles with his self image. On one hand, I don't want him to have to hide what he feels. On the other hand, hurting him really hurts me.

I hate hurting him like that. I hate this struggle, and how I always have to weigh my wishes and desires up against his well-being. In the end, that means that I don't always play with people that I could have. Or would have. Because it's not worth the struggle, it's not worth it to me. I can't handle feeling like such an asshole, for what amounts to maybe an hour or two of play.

This means that I work at curbing my natural inclinations. On one hand, that's not a bad thing. Being in a relationship means making compromises. I compromise by not playing with people, so that Saint doesn't get hurt. The first year we were together, I didn't play with anyone else at all. However, by making these compromises (usually without even telling him), I play with others more rarely. That means he doesn't get used to it. I almost never give him the opportunity to actually handle his emotions and get over them. He doesn't get to grow and evolve. So really, by being kind to him, I'm doing him a disservice.

A blogger than I greatly admire, Ferrett Steinmetz, wrote about this here. He says you should be brutally polyamorous, even from the start, so that your new partner never gets used to a status quo where you appear to be monogamous. Because knowing and feeling are two different things, just like I've explained above.

This means I should be more callous. More selfish. But that's so hard to do! I love him, and don't want to see him hurt. So doing what's best for him, and ultimately best for me, means hurting him and hurting me. Polyamory isn't just complicated. It blood hurts!

Friday, April 15, 2016

This is NRE!

I'm humming to myself, with the melody of "This is Halloween" (from The Nightmare Before Christmas): "This is NRE, this is NRE. NRE! NRE! NRE! NRE!"

What is NRE? It stands for New Relationship Energy, and it's the feeling of infatuation or attraction you feel when you get attracted to someone new. It can be anything from the fleeting, giddy feeling when you see someone attractive on the subway. Or it can be the increase in energy and attraction you get when you enter into a new relationship.

So NRE can be really serious, but it doesn't have to be. It can just be a light, fun feeling of happiness that doesn't have to have any deeper meaning. NRE doesn't have to lead to anything. Experiencing NRE does not mean that an infatuation has to become a relationship. It certainly has nothing to do with "true love". It's a physical and mental attraction, and a very enjoyable state to be in.

I'm currently experiencing NRE, because I spent almost three hours last night chatting and flirting with this new guy. I've known him for years, but for various reasons we've never gotten to know each other on a more personal level before. He's handsome and intelligent, and I already know that we have overlapping fields of interests in BDSM. He's also new to BDSM and new to the scene, and I love introducing people to the world of kink. I wouldn't call that a fetish, really, but it's definitely something I enjoy doing. (In addition to the altruistic aspects, I think I'm attracted to the imbalance of power in such a situation.)

I already know that I don't want a serious relationship with this guy. Not only do we want different things from a potential relationship (he's looking for a life partner, which isn't something I can or want to be), but we also lead very different lives. I don't think we'd be compatible. Besides, I already have two very serious relationships (my boyfriend/sub and my husband), and I don't want to add a third full time partner. I've tried that before (back when I was juggling T, Saint and War, while flirting with Jump), it's too much hassle and nobody gets enough time with me. I end up feeling bad all the time, feeling like I'm letting people down.

So what do I want? I would love for us to do something sexual, and I hope I can give him some positive BDSM experiences. If we play a few times, and then never again, I would be fine with that. If we started seeing each other once every one-two months on a more regular schedule, that would also be fine.  (Similar to me and Donald, whom I played with last in late December. We have a new play date in a week or so.) If nothing physical happened at all, I would be a bit disappointed, but it wouldn't ruin our friendship or anything. We could still talk about kink and exchange ideas and knowledge. 

But no matter what happens or doesn't happen in the future, the NRE sure is sweet. I feel happier than I have in months (which I'm sure can also be attributed to a depression in retreat). I have more energy. I feel horny (which I think can also be attributed to some medication I'm on). And I want to share my joy with others, and make them happy too. This can have a positive effect on my partners, T and Saint, as well. NRE doesn't make any demands or claims, it's just a very enjoyable state of being. I've missed that.