Addendum: This post was written on my phone late last night. As I expected, I feel fine now. No cause for alarm.
It's 11.30pm and Arthur has just left. I worry about writing this, because I know who will be reading. There will be worry and guilt and stuff, but I can't really deal with anyone else's shit right now. Need to focus on me.
Today with Arthur was intense. We played with power, control and trust, both giving and receiving. I thought it would be a useful exercise for him, to be given trust and see how he responded in turn. And it worked, kind of. I got responses neither of us had predicted (but that really weren't that surprising). Both had their clothes mostly on, and there was no real sex of any kind. But it kind of felt like we were having a mental kind of sex. Like I said, it was intense.
Like any "virgin", so to speak, Arthur was a mixture of excited and scared. Scared of his own reactions, and most of all scared that he'd unwittingly hurt me. He didn't, and we both had a very good time.
Once it was all done, and we started analyzing and digesting the events and feelings, things went sour. I was vulnerable, trusting, open, and had a tiny bad reaction to something he said. I recanted it and apologized almost immediately, but by then the damage was done. He was convinced that he'd hurt me, that he was a terrible person etc. Not a healthy place to be, but we were both to tired to even attempt to get him back out if it.
So after cuddling a bit and trying to convince him that he'd done nothing wrong, he wanted to get home. I felt terrible for leaving things like that, but didn't know what else to do.
And what usually happens when I know someone is hurting, and it's my fault, and I'm not permitted to help? I drop. Badly. I know this is a somewhat selfish act which is of very little use, but I can't control it. Basically, I feel terrible. Like a worn out dish rag, hanging limp somewhere, I feel raw and empty. Of no use. No good. Unwanted, unneeded.
Now, I KNOW that this is mostly a chemical reaction, caused by the intense interactions earlier today. It feel 100% real, 100% legit, and yet I KNOW that it will pass. I will look back on tonight, scratch my head and go "that wasn't logical at all, it made no sense". But it still feels so real now, so painful.
So instead of wallowing in my own misery, feeling sorry for myself and guilty for the hurt I've caused; I write. Writing this helps me focus, structure and see things clearly. Once I've written this, I will sleep (probably wouldn't have been able to sleep otherwise). And tomorrow, I will feel better.
That's how a drop works. That's what a drop is, at least to me.
I wish Arthur would understand that. He struggles with chemistry, too. That's all this is: Chemistry.