Sunday, April 16, 2017

Fuck, yeah!

For various personal reasons, Saint and I haven't had sex (of the penis-in-vagina kind) since December 31st 2014. This was a decision I made, but that he was both understanding of- and agreeing to. However, we'd never thought it would be this long, and my original reasons were frankly getting ridiculous.

I missed having (piv) sex with him. I missed the feeling of having him inside of me, getting fucked. I missed that ultimate intimacy that can only come when two bodies are merging and interconnecting on a physical level as well as mentally. I missed having him on top of me, looking into his eyes as I hurt him and tease him, telling him "NO!" when he begs me to come. I missed feeling his dick twitching inside of me, as he struggled to obey my commands. I basically missed having that kind of sex with him.

After talking it over with both Saint and T, we agreed to change it back. Meaning that after 2 years, 3 months and about 12 days, Saint and I can finally have (piv) sex again!

So far, we've fucked twice: Wednesday and Thursday. After that, I was so sore that even wearing underwear was uncomfortable. That's finally gotten better again, but we've since been busy doing other things and haven't had the time. However, more sex will definitely happen again. And soon.

I just love having this kind of sex with him. There is no feeling in the world quite like it. Whoever claimed dominant women can't be fucked and still be dominant, were so incredibly wrong. I love fucking him, but I also love being fucked by him. And I'm never "not dominant", no matter what kind of sexual activity I enjoy. I decide. I rule. And I decide that he will fuck me again. And soon. Because I want it.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Late night ramblings (not a kink post)

I didn't sleep tonight, and there are many reasons why I didn't. Some bad, some good, some serious, some silly, and mostly just because that's what happened. It's now 5:30am, and I know that if I lie down and try to sleep, I most likely will fall asleep really quickly. And that's probably what I'll do shortly, because I do need to sleep eventually.

For now, however, I feel bright awake. I feel clear headed (despite the slight cold that is clogging up my sinuses). I feel emotionally stable (despite the recent stress, and the hormonal drugs that I'm on). I feel conscious in a way that only a really late night can make me feel. Almost like a slight high.

I was really planning to sleep. I even messaged both Saint and T, telling them I was going to bed really late and to not expect life signs from me tomorrow morning (Cogito already knew, as we'd been speaking some hours earlier). However, the air inside felt stuffy, so I opened my window thinking I'd air out for a couple of minutes before sleeping. Then I heard the birds singing in the trees outside, and the more I listened the more tempted I was to go outside. Even though I knew I should sleep.

I was tempted to go for a proper walk, but talked myself out of it. I do need to sleep, after all, and I do still have a cold. And so on. Instead, I threw on a bathrobe (I prefer to sleep naked) and walked barefoot out on the porch:

The rains have just stopped, and wet, cold, refreshing drops and falling on me from the balcony overhead. The boards on the porch are wet and cold, and on some places my feet can detect something that's almost like a slurry. It's obviously been a fairly cold night, although I can see now actual snow on the ground. My feet are getting really chilly, but it's a good chill (for now, anyway).

The air is clear and fresh, the way it can only feel right after it's stopped raining. I can hear the bird song even stronger now that I'm outside, and it's a beautiful morning chorus. There are no cars, no people, no sounds other than those made by the wind, the rain and the birds.

Straight in front of me is a rose hips bush, that has been growing wildly this spring and is now encroaching on our front porch. Some actual rose hips have been left on the branches through the winter, but there are no green buds or leaves hinting at the seasons to come. It's dark and still, but no less beautiful. On every branch, there is a shine and a glitter. The bush is covered in hundreds of water droplets, left after the rain. Like the most perfect pearls, only it's nature's own.

Right there, in that moment, I felt so connected. Connected to everything. Every bird singing, every creature crawling, every branch, every rain drop. I mentally reached out to it all, as in greeting. In my mind, or maybe my heart, I acknowledged the sanctity of our world, and how right it was that I was part of it all. One small piece of a much larger and more complex whole. I felt present. I felt calm.

I reached out with a finger, to catch one of the droplets on a branch. I intended to bring it to my lips to taste, but it burst as I touched it. I tried again, with the same result. Finally, I stuck my tongue out and caught the droplet straight in my mouth. At the same moment, another drop of water fell from the balcony above me and onto my forehead. It felt like a benediction.

I don't know if you'll blame my quasi-religious mental state on sleep deprivation, or stress, or superstition, or whatever. And I don't really care. They're probably all true, to some extent, but whatever works works. I felt a need to write this, because I felt moved. Calm. Aware. It was a pleasant experience, but also an unfamiliar and powerful one.

Now, maybe I can get some sleep.

Friday, April 7, 2017

Polyamory: Worth it.

This life of polyamory and kink is sometimes difficult. I've spoken repeatedly of the balancing act I need to do, and the constant worry that someone is feeling overlooked or ignored. Also the continuous series of compromises and discussions, and not to mention the numerous caveats ("yes, but I need to check with this-other-person-first").

But this life is also pretty sweet. Because all that work, and worry and planning, in the end is worth it. Because I love all of them, and I wouldn't want it any other way. Because through polyamory and kink, I change and I grow, and I discover that there is always more to learn.

Every new partner brings something new to the table. A kink I couldn't understand with one partner, suddenly makes sense with another one. An activity that I thought I had tried sufficiently and didn't really love, can become interesting again when I try it in new circumstances. This doesn't mean that the previous partner(s) did something wrong, far from it! They also introduced me to something new, when we were new. They also helped me grow and develop. And we're still growing, no matter how long we've been together.

I'm not the same now as when I met Saint. And I'm certainly not the same as when I had any previous subs. Things I liked or didn't like then, or that I understood or didn't understand, are not necessarily the same now. For example, I'd never quite understood or felt any attraction to CBT... Until I spontaneously tried out some light CBT with Tight (a previous sub) all those years ago. Since then, I've not done much hardcore stuff, but Saint and I have had some great fun with it.

On the other hand, Tight loved latex and I didn't. So we didn't play with that at all. I just didn't get the attraction. Not until I'd known Saint for a while, did I actually start to embrace that fetish and start to play with it. And although it's still not my fetish, I can see the appeal in wearing it and we're having fun playing with it.

With Cogito, again I'm trying new things, getting new perspectives and developing as a person and as a dominant. For example, we're currently exploring long-distance D/s, playing a lot over skype, experimenting with him performing self-bondage on my command (or "bondage-by-proxy"), and doing other things that I have little or no direct experience with. Just like the things I learnt with Saint and with other people affects the way I play with Cogito, so also does the flow of experience go the other way: The things I learn with him, will again affect me in my other (and my future) relationships.

In the end, I want to get really philosophical for a bit:
I imagine us all like an interconnected set of neurons: Experience and thoughts and ideas and impressions flowing from one to the other. Every link affecting not only the ones it's adjacent to, but also those people's "neighbours" and their "neighbours' neighbours". One huge network of love, and kink, and friendships, and teachers, and guides.

In the end, that's how I think of everyone, for better or for worse. All humans are connected to each other on some level, affecting the people around them. So that network is also comprised of friends, co-workers, relatives and even strangers on the street. This interconnectedness just becomes so much more obvious to me because I'm poly, and all the people in that closest network are all people that I love. I see that flow of experience, I see the growth and development and how it can be beneficial to all. And I revel in it.

So yes. I think polyamory is worth it.

Sunday, April 2, 2017

A fear Saint didn't know he had

I've been with Saint for 3 years and 4 months, and yet we still manage to surprise each other. We still manage to find nooks and crannies in each other's brains, that neither knew was there. This week, we discovered a fear that Saint didn't know he had.

Back when we first got together, he was new to the scene. He enjoyed talking with people at our BDSM club and being social, but he felt uncomfortable whenever people were playing.

The first couple of years, the two of us didn't do much playing in public. Saint just wasn't comfortable doing it. He couldn't relax, he got easily distracted, and he just didn't see the point. After we played at the fetish club in Amsterdam last summer, he grew more comfortable in public and started to actually see some point to it. He still doesn't love it, but we can do it and he can enjoy it because I enjoy it (or something).

After a few years in the BDSM-scene, he's also gotten more used to people playing in his presence. It doesn't freak him out as much, and we've even taken short trips into the open play areas together and watched other people at play. But he doesn't like it. This is fairly easy to handle at the BDSM club, because he can always go out of the play area or look somewhere else. However, it's much harder when he's at a cabin or in a private home and the space is filled with kinky people.

Back when we were first starting out, I tried playing with someone else (Beauty) while Saint was tied to a chair and forced to watch. That didn't go so well, and I didn't understand why. I chalked it up to him being shy. He IS rather shy, and I've never understood shy people... So I never searched for a deeper answer.

Until this week, that is.

Saint has encouraged me to play with others for a few years. However, when I show interest in anyone at the club, Saint usually leaves or at least goes to some other room. This makes me hesitant to play with other people, because I feel his actions communicate that he doesn't approve (despite what he says using words). So whenever we go to a kink event, I feel like I'm forced to play with him or not to play at all. (He'd never make such a demand on me, of course, but I feel like this anyway.)

We've had countless talks about our relationship, polyamory, jealousy/envy and insecurity these past few years. I feel like we trust in each other and in our relationship more than ever. However, he's always been uncomfortable when someone plays in in presence, and despite our growing trust and stable relationship that hasn't changed. So it couldn't only be related to us or him being insecure able us...

I raised the issue because we're going to a kinky cabin trip on the other side of the country in a few weeks. During this trip, I don't want to feel like I'm restricted to only playing with him. I want the option of playing with other people if I want, and the option to consciously and intentionally choose to play with him. I don't want to feel trapped with him. (And of course, he doesn't want me to feel trapped either.)

So we started talking about this, probing deeper into what made him so uncomfortable. Maybe there was something I could do? Through my probing, he realised that he generally struggles with watching other people play (or just be sexually active). He struggles with watching others, no matter who they are and what kind of sexual/BDSM activity they do.

This goes for a number of different situations. For example watching strangers play at the club, watching people we know play or be sexual, watching me flirt or play with someone else, or even watching me play with myself (masturbate). He also struggles when he and I are watching porn together. Why?

Because he's afraid of being judged. Afraid to be rejected. He's afraid that when he gets turned on by something, others will mock him for it. To be clear: It's not being a submissive that makes him ashamed, because whenever he's directly involved in D/s play there are no such bad feelings. It's the role of the observer that frightens him. Watching other people being sexual, without being directly involved in the action, feels like a taboo. Even when those people want to be observed. He's afraid to be judged/rejected both by the people he's watching, and by those who are present and watching with him.

He doesn't want to feel this way, so this is something we've decided to work on. And today was a great start: We watched porn together, and then he had to watch as I played with my pussy. His gaze was not permitted to leave my crotch. Eventually, I made him touch himself while he was watching me.

He struggled with believing that he was permitted to watch and that it was ok to be turned on. He said it felt like he was doing something wrong. (For reference: I'm an exhibitionist. I love showing myself off to him. He was definitely not doing anything wrong!) When I enforced my control over him, and made him feel like it wasn't his choice, watching became easier for him. Still, every time he started to get really turned on by what he saw, he would unconsciously kill those feelings. Apparently, these issues are deep and go a long way back.

We haven't fixed everything in an evening, but at least we've identified the an issue and started working on it. Even if we probably won't have changed everything in time for the cabin trip, I feel it helps to have a language with which to discuss these issues. That leaves less room for guilt and shame, and more room for communication, compromise and support.

I enjoy being able to help Saint grow and feel more comfortable. I know this will benefit us both in the future.

Cogito, therefore I grow

Cogito and I have really hit it off. We talk for hours at a time on Skype, usually 2-3 times per week. We talk about inconsequential things in our daily lives, we talk about serious things that we struggle with, we laugh and joke, and we play.

The D/s is challenging because it's long-distance, but we're making it work. I really love making up little tasks for him, insinuating myself in his daily life and routine. I also thoroughly enjoy the reports he writes afterwards, where he tells me how it went and admits to being horny and frustrated. I love having that effect on him.

He's fairly inexperienced when it comes to D/s-relationships. He also doesn't have any practical experience with polyamory. However, as all good geeks he reads up on stuff (T and Saint are also like that). So whilst I do stuff because of previous experience or gut instinct, he can usually analyse and explain what I do better than I can. I enjoy that he challenges my way of thinking and doing things. He can also see through many of my defences already, and he helps me to grow as a person and as a dominant. I love his analytical mind, how well-read he is, and how well he expresses himself. 

I've known him now for 5 weeks. In those 5 weeks he's gone from a random encounter, to a possible comet, to a friend and confidant and lover. We both know that nothing lasts forever, and that long-distance relationships are especially challenging to maintain. But right now, I don't care. Right now, I don't want to think about that. Right now, I want him in every way that I can, as much as I can and for as long as I can.

It's difficult to manage to surf on this wave of NRE, and not leave my other relationships wrecked in my wake. However, right now it feels like I'm doing well. It's one hell of a balancing act, and there's definitely been some challenging times. But it feels like I'm doing it. 

I love T, and I love Saint. And I love Cogito. All three in different ways, because all three relationships are unique. But it's love, one way or another. Love, and need, and want. And that's really, really nice. 

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Language matters

Saint and I have continued to explore service, because I want to learn to accept that and play with it. I feel like we've been making some headway, although there is still some ways to go for both of us.

For example, I like tea. Saint has been responsible for making me tea these last few months. At first I had to ask him to do, which I struggled to do. Then he started asking me if I wanted tea, but I still found it hard to accept that he'd want to do that for me. I felt guilty and selfish.

We then agreed that he wouldn't ask if I wanted tea, only ask me which tea I wanted. That made it easier, because it took the decision of whether I should get tea or not out of my hands. Didn't feel very much like D/s, as he was left with all the power and control.. But at least my mind wouldn't drown me in guilt.

Today, we found a better solution. From now on, he will ask: "May I please make you tea?", or something like that. And that works.

Why is "Would you like tea?" so much worse than  "May I please make you tea?"? Because language matters. In the first example, he is doing me a favor by making me tea. In the latter example, I'm doing him a favor by letting him make me tea. That removes my guilt, because it doesn't put me further into his debt.

The first time he asked me whether he could please be permitted to make me tea, I was so happy that I almost started crying. That simple question triggered so many feelings inside me. I felt such love for him, such happiness that he would want to serve me, and such joy and awe at the gift of his submission. Such gratefulness.

So yes, my love. Yes, you may be permitted to make me tea.