Sunday, April 16, 2017

Fuck, yeah!

For various personal reasons, Saint and I haven't had sex (of the penis-in-vagina kind) since December 31st 2014. This was a decision I made, but that he was both understanding of- and agreeing to. However, we'd never thought it would be this long, and my original reasons were frankly getting ridiculous.

I missed having (piv) sex with him. I missed the feeling of having him inside of me, getting fucked. I missed that ultimate intimacy that can only come when two bodies are merging and interconnecting on a physical level as well as mentally. I missed having him on top of me, looking into his eyes as I hurt him and tease him, telling him "NO!" when he begs me to come. I missed feeling his dick twitching inside of me, as he struggled to obey my commands. I basically missed having that kind of sex with him.

After talking it over with both Saint and T, we agreed to change it back. Meaning that after 2 years, 3 months and about 12 days, Saint and I can finally have (piv) sex again!

So far, we've fucked twice: Wednesday and Thursday. After that, I was so sore that even wearing underwear was uncomfortable. That's finally gotten better again, but we've since been busy doing other things and haven't had the time. However, more sex will definitely happen again. And soon.

I just love having this kind of sex with him. There is no feeling in the world quite like it. Whoever claimed dominant women can't be fucked and still be dominant, were so incredibly wrong. I love fucking him, but I also love being fucked by him. And I'm never "not dominant", no matter what kind of sexual activity I enjoy. I decide. I rule. And I decide that he will fuck me again. And soon. Because I want it.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Late night ramblings (not a kink post)

I didn't sleep tonight, and there are many reasons why I didn't. Some bad, some good, some serious, some silly, and mostly just because that's what happened. It's now 5:30am, and I know that if I lie down and try to sleep, I most likely will fall asleep really quickly. And that's probably what I'll do shortly, because I do need to sleep eventually.

For now, however, I feel bright awake. I feel clear headed (despite the slight cold that is clogging up my sinuses). I feel emotionally stable (despite the recent stress, and the hormonal drugs that I'm on). I feel conscious in a way that only a really late night can make me feel. Almost like a slight high.

I was really planning to sleep. I even messaged both Saint and T, telling them I was going to bed really late and to not expect life signs from me tomorrow morning (Cogito already knew, as we'd been speaking some hours earlier). However, the air inside felt stuffy, so I opened my window thinking I'd air out for a couple of minutes before sleeping. Then I heard the birds singing in the trees outside, and the more I listened the more tempted I was to go outside. Even though I knew I should sleep.

I was tempted to go for a proper walk, but talked myself out of it. I do need to sleep, after all, and I do still have a cold. And so on. Instead, I threw on a bathrobe (I prefer to sleep naked) and walked barefoot out on the porch:

The rains have just stopped, and wet, cold, refreshing drops and falling on me from the balcony overhead. The boards on the porch are wet and cold, and on some places my feet can detect something that's almost like a slurry. It's obviously been a fairly cold night, although I can see now actual snow on the ground. My feet are getting really chilly, but it's a good chill (for now, anyway).

The air is clear and fresh, the way it can only feel right after it's stopped raining. I can hear the bird song even stronger now that I'm outside, and it's a beautiful morning chorus. There are no cars, no people, no sounds other than those made by the wind, the rain and the birds.

Straight in front of me is a rose hips bush, that has been growing wildly this spring and is now encroaching on our front porch. Some actual rose hips have been left on the branches through the winter, but there are no green buds or leaves hinting at the seasons to come. It's dark and still, but no less beautiful. On every branch, there is a shine and a glitter. The bush is covered in hundreds of water droplets, left after the rain. Like the most perfect pearls, only it's nature's own.

Right there, in that moment, I felt so connected. Connected to everything. Every bird singing, every creature crawling, every branch, every rain drop. I mentally reached out to it all, as in greeting. In my mind, or maybe my heart, I acknowledged the sanctity of our world, and how right it was that I was part of it all. One small piece of a much larger and more complex whole. I felt present. I felt calm.

I reached out with a finger, to catch one of the droplets on a branch. I intended to bring it to my lips to taste, but it burst as I touched it. I tried again, with the same result. Finally, I stuck my tongue out and caught the droplet straight in my mouth. At the same moment, another drop of water fell from the balcony above me and onto my forehead. It felt like a benediction.

I don't know if you'll blame my quasi-religious mental state on sleep deprivation, or stress, or superstition, or whatever. And I don't really care. They're probably all true, to some extent, but whatever works works. I felt a need to write this, because I felt moved. Calm. Aware. It was a pleasant experience, but also an unfamiliar and powerful one.

Now, maybe I can get some sleep.

Friday, April 7, 2017

Polyamory: Worth it.

This life of polyamory and kink is sometimes difficult. I've spoken repeatedly of the balancing act I need to do, and the constant worry that someone is feeling overlooked or ignored. Also the continuous series of compromises and discussions, and not to mention the numerous caveats ("yes, but I need to check with this-other-person-first").

But this life is also pretty sweet. Because all that work, and worry and planning, in the end is worth it. Because I love all of them, and I wouldn't want it any other way. Because through polyamory and kink, I change and I grow, and I discover that there is always more to learn.

Every new partner brings something new to the table. A kink I couldn't understand with one partner, suddenly makes sense with another one. An activity that I thought I had tried sufficiently and didn't really love, can become interesting again when I try it in new circumstances. This doesn't mean that the previous partner(s) did something wrong, far from it! They also introduced me to something new, when we were new. They also helped me grow and develop. And we're still growing, no matter how long we've been together.

I'm not the same now as when I met Saint. And I'm certainly not the same as when I had any previous subs. Things I liked or didn't like then, or that I understood or didn't understand, are not necessarily the same now. For example, I'd never quite understood or felt any attraction to CBT... Until I spontaneously tried out some light CBT with Tight (a previous sub) all those years ago. Since then, I've not done much hardcore stuff, but Saint and I have had some great fun with it.

On the other hand, Tight loved latex and I didn't. So we didn't play with that at all. I just didn't get the attraction. Not until I'd known Saint for a while, did I actually start to embrace that fetish and start to play with it. And although it's still not my fetish, I can see the appeal in wearing it and we're having fun playing with it.

With Cogito, again I'm trying new things, getting new perspectives and developing as a person and as a dominant. For example, we're currently exploring long-distance D/s, playing a lot over skype, experimenting with him performing self-bondage on my command (or "bondage-by-proxy"), and doing other things that I have little or no direct experience with. Just like the things I learnt with Saint and with other people affects the way I play with Cogito, so also does the flow of experience go the other way: The things I learn with him, will again affect me in my other (and my future) relationships.

In the end, I want to get really philosophical for a bit:
I imagine us all like an interconnected set of neurons: Experience and thoughts and ideas and impressions flowing from one to the other. Every link affecting not only the ones it's adjacent to, but also those people's "neighbours" and their "neighbours' neighbours". One huge network of love, and kink, and friendships, and teachers, and guides.

In the end, that's how I think of everyone, for better or for worse. All humans are connected to each other on some level, affecting the people around them. So that network is also comprised of friends, co-workers, relatives and even strangers on the street. This interconnectedness just becomes so much more obvious to me because I'm poly, and all the people in that closest network are all people that I love. I see that flow of experience, I see the growth and development and how it can be beneficial to all. And I revel in it.

So yes. I think polyamory is worth it.

Sunday, April 2, 2017

A fear Saint didn't know he had

I've been with Saint for 3 years and 4 months, and yet we still manage to surprise each other. We still manage to find nooks and crannies in each other's brains, that neither knew was there. This week, we discovered a fear that Saint didn't know he had.

Back when we first got together, he was new to the scene. He enjoyed talking with people at our BDSM club and being social, but he felt uncomfortable whenever people were playing.

The first couple of years, the two of us didn't do much playing in public. Saint just wasn't comfortable doing it. He couldn't relax, he got easily distracted, and he just didn't see the point. After we played at the fetish club in Amsterdam last summer, he grew more comfortable in public and started to actually see some point to it. He still doesn't love it, but we can do it and he can enjoy it because I enjoy it (or something).

After a few years in the BDSM-scene, he's also gotten more used to people playing in his presence. It doesn't freak him out as much, and we've even taken short trips into the open play areas together and watched other people at play. But he doesn't like it. This is fairly easy to handle at the BDSM club, because he can always go out of the play area or look somewhere else. However, it's much harder when he's at a cabin or in a private home and the space is filled with kinky people.

Back when we were first starting out, I tried playing with someone else (Beauty) while Saint was tied to a chair and forced to watch. That didn't go so well, and I didn't understand why. I chalked it up to him being shy. He IS rather shy, and I've never understood shy people... So I never searched for a deeper answer.

Until this week, that is.

Saint has encouraged me to play with others for a few years. However, when I show interest in anyone at the club, Saint usually leaves or at least goes to some other room. This makes me hesitant to play with other people, because I feel his actions communicate that he doesn't approve (despite what he says using words). So whenever we go to a kink event, I feel like I'm forced to play with him or not to play at all. (He'd never make such a demand on me, of course, but I feel like this anyway.)

We've had countless talks about our relationship, polyamory, jealousy/envy and insecurity these past few years. I feel like we trust in each other and in our relationship more than ever. However, he's always been uncomfortable when someone plays in in presence, and despite our growing trust and stable relationship that hasn't changed. So it couldn't only be related to us or him being insecure able us...

I raised the issue because we're going to a kinky cabin trip on the other side of the country in a few weeks. During this trip, I don't want to feel like I'm restricted to only playing with him. I want the option of playing with other people if I want, and the option to consciously and intentionally choose to play with him. I don't want to feel trapped with him. (And of course, he doesn't want me to feel trapped either.)

So we started talking about this, probing deeper into what made him so uncomfortable. Maybe there was something I could do? Through my probing, he realised that he generally struggles with watching other people play (or just be sexually active). He struggles with watching others, no matter who they are and what kind of sexual/BDSM activity they do.

This goes for a number of different situations. For example watching strangers play at the club, watching people we know play or be sexual, watching me flirt or play with someone else, or even watching me play with myself (masturbate). He also struggles when he and I are watching porn together. Why?

Because he's afraid of being judged. Afraid to be rejected. He's afraid that when he gets turned on by something, others will mock him for it. To be clear: It's not being a submissive that makes him ashamed, because whenever he's directly involved in D/s play there are no such bad feelings. It's the role of the observer that frightens him. Watching other people being sexual, without being directly involved in the action, feels like a taboo. Even when those people want to be observed. He's afraid to be judged/rejected both by the people he's watching, and by those who are present and watching with him.

He doesn't want to feel this way, so this is something we've decided to work on. And today was a great start: We watched porn together, and then he had to watch as I played with my pussy. His gaze was not permitted to leave my crotch. Eventually, I made him touch himself while he was watching me.

He struggled with believing that he was permitted to watch and that it was ok to be turned on. He said it felt like he was doing something wrong. (For reference: I'm an exhibitionist. I love showing myself off to him. He was definitely not doing anything wrong!) When I enforced my control over him, and made him feel like it wasn't his choice, watching became easier for him. Still, every time he started to get really turned on by what he saw, he would unconsciously kill those feelings. Apparently, these issues are deep and go a long way back.

We haven't fixed everything in an evening, but at least we've identified the an issue and started working on it. Even if we probably won't have changed everything in time for the cabin trip, I feel it helps to have a language with which to discuss these issues. That leaves less room for guilt and shame, and more room for communication, compromise and support.

I enjoy being able to help Saint grow and feel more comfortable. I know this will benefit us both in the future.

Cogito, therefore I grow

Cogito and I have really hit it off. We talk for hours at a time on Skype, usually 2-3 times per week. We talk about inconsequential things in our daily lives, we talk about serious things that we struggle with, we laugh and joke, and we play.

The D/s is challenging because it's long-distance, but we're making it work. I really love making up little tasks for him, insinuating myself in his daily life and routine. I also thoroughly enjoy the reports he writes afterwards, where he tells me how it went and admits to being horny and frustrated. I love having that effect on him.

He's fairly inexperienced when it comes to D/s-relationships. He also doesn't have any practical experience with polyamory. However, as all good geeks he reads up on stuff (T and Saint are also like that). So whilst I do stuff because of previous experience or gut instinct, he can usually analyse and explain what I do better than I can. I enjoy that he challenges my way of thinking and doing things. He can also see through many of my defences already, and he helps me to grow as a person and as a dominant. I love his analytical mind, how well-read he is, and how well he expresses himself. 

I've known him now for 5 weeks. In those 5 weeks he's gone from a random encounter, to a possible comet, to a friend and confidant and lover. We both know that nothing lasts forever, and that long-distance relationships are especially challenging to maintain. But right now, I don't care. Right now, I don't want to think about that. Right now, I want him in every way that I can, as much as I can and for as long as I can.

It's difficult to manage to surf on this wave of NRE, and not leave my other relationships wrecked in my wake. However, right now it feels like I'm doing well. It's one hell of a balancing act, and there's definitely been some challenging times. But it feels like I'm doing it. 

I love T, and I love Saint. And I love Cogito. All three in different ways, because all three relationships are unique. But it's love, one way or another. Love, and need, and want. And that's really, really nice. 

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Language matters

Saint and I have continued to explore service, because I want to learn to accept that and play with it. I feel like we've been making some headway, although there is still some ways to go for both of us.

For example, I like tea. Saint has been responsible for making me tea these last few months. At first I had to ask him to do, which I struggled to do. Then he started asking me if I wanted tea, but I still found it hard to accept that he'd want to do that for me. I felt guilty and selfish.

We then agreed that he wouldn't ask if I wanted tea, only ask me which tea I wanted. That made it easier, because it took the decision of whether I should get tea or not out of my hands. Didn't feel very much like D/s, as he was left with all the power and control.. But at least my mind wouldn't drown me in guilt.

Today, we found a better solution. From now on, he will ask: "May I please make you tea?", or something like that. And that works.

Why is "Would you like tea?" so much worse than  "May I please make you tea?"? Because language matters. In the first example, he is doing me a favor by making me tea. In the latter example, I'm doing him a favor by letting him make me tea. That removes my guilt, because it doesn't put me further into his debt.

The first time he asked me whether he could please be permitted to make me tea, I was so happy that I almost started crying. That simple question triggered so many feelings inside me. I felt such love for him, such happiness that he would want to serve me, and such joy and awe at the gift of his submission. Such gratefulness.

So yes, my love. Yes, you may be permitted to make me tea.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Primary relationship(s)

I hesitate to write this, because it seems like everyone in my life are really vulnerable right now. I worry that I've cause it somehow, since they all seem to go off at once. On the other hand, if I could go back in time I wouldn't have done much differently. So I don't really know what I should or shouldn't do. I worry that I'll hurt people or make things worse.

I need to write, though, so I do. I might just postpone posting it for a few hours or a few days, until people around me seem more stable.

A consequence of the new relationship model is that I've taken a long and hard look at Saint's place in my life. When we started out, we were play partners. We quickly progressed to a romantic relationship, but we were still very separate entities and maintaining that separation was important to both of us. For the longest time, we didn't even define ourselves as "a couple". We would object if people thought we were "together".

That changed as I spent more and more time with him. It got to a point where we agreed that we were, in fact, together. We started speaking of each other as boyfriend/girlfriend. I started spending more and more time with him, de facto living part time with him. I still have all of my things in the apartment that I share with T, but I left (or bought extra) things at Saint's place too. Like my asthma meds, or an extra set of vibrators, or some underwear or little things like that.

We've now been in some sort of relationship for 3 years and 4 months. And for over two years, we've remained in almost the same place. At least when it came to formal agreements and arrangements. We are boyfriend/girlfriend. We are together, we are a couple.

However, in the last few weeks we've been talking more and more about this not being the entire truth anymore. We have somehow moved beyond this, and have become more than this. And this is where my vocabulary falls short, because I lack poly-terms to describe the way we feel. He said, a couple of weeks back, that if we'd been in a monogamous relationship, he'd propose to me. I feel the same way, and just the fact that he would entertain that thought makes me extremely happy. To me, that means we're in the same place and that we want the same thing in our relationship. We want a commitment, we want the long term. Something beyond the casual boyfriend/girlfriend.

I am already married though. There wouldn't be any point in getting engaged with me, or anything like that. Marriage is just a social and legal construct anyway. I don't feel we need THAT, specifically. We just need the agreement and recognition that we are something serious and committed. The biggest change, in how I think about us, is the way I envision the future with him. Not as some dream, but as a realistic plan.

My future is of course malleable, and if this developpement continues I might be able to envision one where he's even more involved. I'm not sure where that line will or should be drawn. But right now, I envision him having a part in raising T's and my children. Not just as a distant "uncle", but much like a parent. I'd even want him present at the hospital while I was giving birth. Hopefully even in the room, if T is ok with that. I'd want him living in the same building as us, but still having his own space where he could withdraw if he needed it. I want to be open about being polyamorous with everyone we come across.

I will probably always have a more intertwined relationship with T. Not just because we're married, and have known each other the longest, but also because of living arrangements, finances, plans for having children and other factors. I don't want that to change. However, I don't want Saint to be "less than". The relationships are different, sure, and I wouldn't want them to be exactly the same. However, they're both important, long-term, committed relationships, where I wouldn't always prioritize one over the other.

And in that sense, I don't have one primary relationship. I have two.

Friday, March 24, 2017

Relationship models

A conversation with Cogito and this article here led me to have a long and serious conversation with Saint. A good conversation, even though not many answers were found. It's a start, and I enjoy the direction we're going (and that deserves a blog post of it's own).

That conversation made me think about how I usually explain my relationships to others. It would go something like this: 
"T and I are married. I have a boyfriend. He has a girlfriend."
If pressed, I might also add that she's got a boyfriend of her own. Or I might add that we also flirt with other people, on a more casual level. 
But this hasn't actually been an accurate representation of "us" for quite some time. I just haven't thought to re-define it. 

Here's how I've usually thought about "us":
In the above model, everything is defined based on The Couple.
T and I are like the hub of a wheel, and I explain everyone else's position based on how they relate to that central core that is "me&him". In the above model, I also have a really clear idea of who T's involved with at any time, I know their level of connection and type of relationship. And he does the same for my relationships. In the above model, T and I also have the theoretical veto right of each others partners. In other words, in the above model there are many rules and regulations in place, to safeguard the primary couple.

Now, this is a fairly accurate representation of how we practiced, and thought, and spoke about polyamory three-four years ago. But in my mind it isn't accurate anymore. The above model has some serious weaknesses:
-First of all, the entire poly network is larger than this. Beauty has a boyfriend, and so has at least two of T's other persons of interest.
-Secondly, it's much more fluid than this. Swede and I had some sort of relationship, and we'll meet again this summer. I'm not sure exactly what we are now, or what we'll be then, but we're something. T also has other relationships, and where a casual fling ends and a serious relationship begins is not something that is easy to pin down. I'm not exactly sure how he and Beauty define themselves these days, and his other persons of interest I'm even less certain about. I just know they're all something.
-Third (and I'll get to this in a later post), Saint doesn't occupy such a secondary place in my life anymore. Having him outside of the "primary box" feels wrong. He feels like my family now, almost as much as T does.
-Fourth, why is there even a box there? Sure, some connections have lasted longer than others or are more involved than others... But that doesn't mean other people are forever excluded from entering (or leaving) that box. Again, this model feels too rigid.

Basically, I'm deluding myself if I try to claim this to be some sort of objective image of the entire network. It's not. It's only a representation of my own small slice of it, with me in the center. Not only that, but I also try to define other people's relationships for them. I don't know what T's other relationships are, or how they define them. I'm not even certain how many of them there are, or where to draw that line. And doing so is not my place. It should be up to them.

Sure, no man is an island. We're all interconnected. For example, when Saint and I are having issues, I confide in T, who draws emotional support from his other relationships. It's all a daisy chain of emotional support. Likewise, when T is experiencing NRE because of some new fling, his positive energy affects me and his other relationships, which in turn can affect the next link in that chain. But T and I have no real veto right anymore.

We could do interventions, sure, if one of us felt that the other was doing themself harm. We could voice our concern, and ask whether this other relationship of ours was such a good idea in it's current form. But to outright veto it? No, there is no such right anymore.

Where does this faulty/outdated model come from?
I think partially, we did develop our poly network from the basis of a primary couple. So it's a natural development when we went from monogamous to polyamorous. However, I also think that much of the blame is mine:

Ever since I entered into my very first relationship (at 15), I've always defined myself through my relationship. I've always been just a part of someone else. I've been very malleable, shaping myself, my behavior and interests, to my partner. For example, I adopted some very varied interests for styles of music and types of art through my teen years, because my partners at the time liked specific things. Same goes for hair colour, and clothing, and lots of other things.

This isn't solely a bad thing, of course. Empathy and adaptation/compromise are good traits to have in a relationship. But there is such a thing as overdoing it. To a certain extent, I've been erasing my own personality and substituting it with theirs.

When T and I got together, he was made aware of this and we've specifically worked to counter it. Even so, it's been really hard for me to admit that he likes things that I don't really like as much. And it's been hard to do / learn /experience something that T has no interest in doing / learning / experiencing. I've steadily been getting better at this, but it's taken me a long, long time to develop some sort of personality and field of interests separate from his.

I feel like I'm at a point now where I need a more individual model for my relationships. A more fluid model, that doesn't play at being a complete and permanent image. A model where I bloody well stop defining other people's relationships for them, and realise that I have a highly subjective perspective. A model that doesn't even TRY to encompass the entire network (because again, where should you draw the line?).


Above is pictured an attempt at a new relationship model. I say attempt, because I'm sure it will change as I discuss it with others. 
-First, notice that I've not even tried to define T's other relationships. I acknowledge that he has them, but there's basically just a big question mark there. It's not my place to count or define them.  
-Secondly, notice that the model is no longer centered so much on The Couple. It's centered on me. I feel this to be more honest, though also a lot more scary. It feels like I'm being selfish, somehow.. Egocentric (which is literally what this is) feels like such a bad word..
-Third, notice that the total number of relationships aren't actually numbered. I don't know what my maximum number is, or what form other relationships might take. That's why there's an "Others?"-box. Relationships are fluid, and they don't (all) have to follow the progression of the Relationship Escalator.
-Fourth, there is no longer a clear hierarchy here. Sure, some relationships have lasted longer than others and are more committed (represented by thicker lines), but there's no "us vs. them". No borders. 

At the same time, I'm not sure if that fourth point is completely correct either. T and Saint feel like my family now, to a larger extent than any other relationships do. And T and I still own stuff together, and are married, and all that primary stuff. So maybe there should be some sort of box there after all... But not one with such hard lines. Something like this, maybe?

Where am I going with all this? Not sure. These are new thoughts to me as well. I haven't actually challenged myself to think about or define my relationships in a long, long time. It's good to take stock and see what's what. I don't attempt to present any clear answers here, as I don't have them myself. I just know that I enjoy my relationships as they are, and I look forward to the future. With all of them. 

Friday, March 10, 2017

Glimpses of intensity

A latex outfit.
Too tight in some spots,
too loose in others. 

Seeing all my flaws,
and not caring.
The look in your eyes changes what I am.
What I see. 
What I feel. 
In your eyes, I'm the most beautiful woman in the world.
And I believe you. 
In that moment only, perhaps. 
But such a glorious moment.
I'm beautiful.

A goddess
All-powerful
Confident.
In control. 

All you want is to grovel. 
Beneath me.
All I want is to rule.
Above you.

Your face to the ground,
Shoving you down.
My toes into your mouth. Woolen socks. Slightly dirty. 
You hate it. It's disgusting. 
I hate it. It's disgusting.

Who'd ever do something like this to another person?
Who'd actually enjoy something so disgusting?

You don't get a choice.
Submitting to my will. 
I make you beg.
I hear you whimper. 

You love it. 
I love it. 
I decide all.

Through my ruling
we're both free 
to enjoy each other
and enjoy ourselves.
The connection.

Love you.
Love me.

Later on the bed:
Still in latex, my skin out of bounds. 
Grinding against me. 
So turned on. By everything.
And me as well. 

Begging me to hurt you. 
Hurting you,
too much.
Reminding you that you begged for it.
Laughing.

Making you cum,
handsfree. 

Afterwards:
Dazed
Like a drug, a buzz.
Feeling high as a kite, 
mind like fog,
thoughts like molasses. 

Conclusion: 
It wasn't about me. 
I didn't want cuddles, 
didn't want penetration, 
didn't want petting, 
didn't want orgasms. 

And yet it was all about me.
Never stronger,
more powerful,
more sexy,
more beautiful.

Never believing it more. 

Under the latex
Wetness
Soaked
Though not from physical touch.

All mental.

Pure control. 
Pure dominance. 

Perfection,
or so it felt
in that moment,
the moment was all that mattered

Love. 

Thank you. 

I'm still flying.

A rebuttal

You can mostly ignore my previous post. That was 80-90% the drop speaking. I feel much better now.

Wonderful tonight?

It's late in the evening
I'm not wondering what clothes to wear
I sit in the darkness, braiding my long red hair
And then he asks me, "Do you feel all right?"
And I say, "Yes, I feel wonderful tonight"

Or do I?

Tonight has been intense. All highs and lows. Or actually.. Mostly a huge high, but not unexpected I'm now dropping like a stone. I probably would have gotten some sort of drop no matter what, being tired and having had a really intense play session. But I made it worse by hurting someone I care about. And right now, all the guys that l care deeply for are either busy or asleep. So I write. It's how I deal with stuff.

Sometimes it feels like whenever I try to share something of mine... Try to share the joy, the love, the life that I feel/think/experience... I end up hurting someone.

Is this just the drop speaking? Probably. That doesn't make it any less unpleasant, though.

I worry about writing these very words. I'll probably hurt someone by giving details of my awesome play session tonight... But I'll probably also hurt someone by not writing about it. And if I write of this funk that I'm currently in, and all the elements that combined to cause it, I might also cause someone pain. So this blog post will cause pain by being positive, and cause pain by being negative. It's like no matter what I do, it's wrong for someone.

I guess I could refrain from writing anything at all. That might hurt me, in the end. Maybe that's preferable?

Why would I hurt? Because I need this blog. To think. To process. To document. To go back and read through stuff from earlier and go "man, what I crazy back then" or "wow, I guess I really have changed" and sometimes "hm, guess I wasn't as stupid as I thought I was".

I need it because writing helps me go through things, helps me get in touch with my feelings and figure them out. Unravel the chaos, and wind them all up on spools... Separate by colour, material and weight. Crying from an overwhelming mess of emotions feels like adding chaos to the mess, making more knots and tangles. Crying while writing this feels better. Cathartic, cleansing. Like a balm.

But my comfort is not worth hurting the people I love. Maybe I should write, and not publish?

No, I think that would feel fake to me... Like I could go back and change it at any time. Also, I couldn't go back and read through it in the same way. I couldn't sort them by categories and keywords, I couldn't do word searches, couldn't cross-reference and link, or add pictures. Not without making a completely different system for my notes, and using some kind of cloud program with an inbuilt archiving system (like a blog?)... And changing to a whole new system just doesn't feel worth it. I think it would be easier not to write at all, and damn my personal consequences.

Gah, I don't know. Feels like I'm running in circles, each argument countering the previous one. Can't decide, can't think.

Tea, a blanket and simple entertainment (my usual recipe for drops) doesn't seem to work. Writing doesn't really seem to work.

I'll just leave this as it is, and come back to it later. Maybe I can make more sense of it then... Or maybe it will all feel different tomorrow and I'll write my own rebuttal then.

"I feel wonderful because I see
The love light in your eyes
And the wonder of it all
Is that you just don't realize how much I love you"

Monday, March 6, 2017

Service from Saint

Saint and I have started working on me being more comfortable receiving service from him. Like having him pleasure me orally just for my sake, massage my feet, hold things for me, fetching things for me etc. Little things, but they've been hard to me to accept. Hard, but good, because I feel like this is something I need to work on.

The other day, he first made me tea and then knelt at my feet. I used him as a footstool, while I read a book, ate some sandwiches and checked my phone. While it was going on, my mind was like a pendulum going back and forth between enjoying it tremendously and freaking out.

It got easier when I felt that he was relaxing and enjoying himself as well. It made me feel less selfish, less like I was taking advantage. And I did enjoy myself. It was submission and dominance, but in a calm almost zen-like manner. Not directly sexual (at least not to me), just very pleasant. Close, intimate, nice.

I want to do it again, if I get the chance. I just have to overcome my own insecurities each time, to actually suggest it. I'm working on that.

Monday, February 27, 2017

Unfair to the comets?

When I first met Swede, we tried to do a more "full time"-ish relationship. Despite the long distance. After a few months, I realised (again!) that I didn't have the time or energy for yet another full time relationship. I've come to this realisation several times before, but I keep trying again. Because I like having intense emotional connections with people.

Instead of cutting Swede completely off, he became something like a comet (which I explained here). Sometimes we chat several times per day, sometimes we don't speak for a week. We have some great long skype calls, but they have become much less frequent than they used to be. I still care deeply for him, and I'm really looking forward to seeing him again this summer. I hope we can play and have fun, but just as important is cuddling and talking. Because I love him and look forward to spending time with him.

For me, this amount of contact works out perfectly. I spend time with him when I've got the energy and opportunity to do so, and don't feel bad when that isn't possible (or try not to feel bad, anyway). I've got a fairly busy schedule, he has a very open schedule, meaning that he's almost always available whenever I want him to be.

What bothers me about this arrangement is that it gives me too much power. I feel like I become some sort of royalty, doling out my attention to supplicants who come begging. He has to wait on my time. On my whims. I'm keeping him at arm's length, because I don't have the energy for anything closer or more involved. And he accepts that, despite missing me and despite not having anyone else in his life that he can turn to for intimate relations or close emotional support. It feels too unfair, for him. Too unbalanced.

Of course, I don't see how we could have any other sort of relationship. This is the best and the most involved that I can offer. I don't have any other solution. I guess it just makes me feel bad that I'm his only source for emotional or physical closeness, so he's left bereft whenever I can't prioritize him.

We've spoken about this, and he claims to be ok with it. He says that some of me is better than none of me, and that he's glad he's getting anything at all. That the longing and emotional ups and downs are worth it. I have to trust that, and trust that he's able to take care of himself and his own needs. I just worry that I'm taking advantage, seeing as everything is on my terms.

The reason this has come up at all, is because of Cogito, the guy I met this weekend. If things work out, and we keep getting along, he could theoretically become another comet. Another "this is great fun when it happens, but for long stretches of time it won't"-kind of relationship. And I worry.

That guy claims that it only seems unfair from my standpoint, but I don't understand that statement. It's the guys I worry about, after all. Not myself. I'm in the sweet spot, getting the most by giving the least. I don't understand how that isn't unfair on some level, but like I said: I don't have a solution.

Sunday, February 26, 2017

What did work out: Cogito

After the first 30 hours or so of the festival this weekend (some, of course, spent sleeping, so perhaps they shouldn't count), no one had shown any interest in me that wasn't just regular friendliness. At least not that I could notice. (Now, I don't want to rule out that I might have lacking abilities in discovering when people are flirting. If I do, that could be part of the problem.)

I'd been participating, asking questions, meeting new people, dancing, and even (for the first time in over two years) drunk enough to make me slightly tipsy. I'd been very frank about being poly and about being sexually liberal, open and interested. I'd also talked to quite a few people about my interests in kink and in particular in bondage, though not in great detail.

I made a decorative shibari pattern of yarn on my name tag, as a sort of kink-recognition trap. You either see what it is, or you don't, and if you do... Well, we could have overlapping fields of interests. I also carried a half-length of rope on my body during the evening hours, so as to be able to show people rope stuff in a social context, if they were interested.

I was trying to present myself and my interests in a way that was light hearted and fun, so as to not come off as too aggressive. I also wanted to leave people the option of pursuing those topics further if they wanted to, but also the option ignoring those topics and just talk of other things.

After well over 24 hours, I was slowly becoming disillusioned and concluding that still practically no one found me attractive enough to show any interest beyond friendliness. I was seriously considering seeking out the French guy whom I'd gotten to know during the previous week, even though I didn't really fancy him at all. At least it would be some physical attention, even if I didn't feel quite comfortable with the idea.

Then, due to a series of random events, I started talking with a guy at a party (edited to add: This is the guy I've since named Cogito.) I offered him some of my cider, and he commented on my name badge (with the shibari-like decorative pattern on it).

I showed him the length of proper shibari rope that I "happened" to carry on my body, saying half-jokingly that I was looking for "willing victims" to tie up. I asked him, like I'd asked everyone else I'd talked to about it, to spread the word to anyone who might be interested. However, as opposed to everyone else I'd talk to, he said "I might be a very willing victim".

Score.

Admittedly... Not quite in the way I originally wanted to.
It was not someone who saw me, found me attractive, and started flirting with me.
It was not someone who viewed me as a sexy and interesting person, based on who I am or how I look, and therefore desired me.
It was someone who saw me as an available dominant woman, and who desired me for that. For what I could do to them. For the experience I could provide. The service I could give. Not for who I am.

After the comment about being tied up, things quickly developed. We talked a lot, got to know each other better, negotiated, kissed and played and had fun. I loved the time I had with him, and really grew to care for him over the two short nights that we had. I have no doubt that he enjoyed spending time with me, liked me as a friend, found me intelligent and interesting, and that he liked the things I did to him.

However, the idea of being desired for who I am, and not for my skills or the service I can provide, is an old insecurity of mine. I wrote about this already back in 2012, and although I'm somewhat more confident now than I was then, most of that blog post is still true. I am not just my looks, of course. I also consist of my experiences, thoughts, ideas, temperament, and all those other things. But my looks is my weak point. (If not in reality, then at least confidence wise.)

I had a great time with him, I'm glad we found each other and very happy that we played. I'll probably write more about it at some later point. But just like with Swede (and back in 2012 with Tight), I have a very hard time to believe that this guy actually desires the person I am.

It might just be a personality issue...? Thinking back, I notice that both that guy, Swede and Tight (and Corvus and Mondage, before them), are rather reserved people. Not all of them are shy, but all are careful in social contexts. They sometimes struggle with what to say, they over-think, and they aren't among the most "popular" or loud guys in a crowd.

However, that description fits Saint as well. And I feel very confident that Saint desires me for me. I've been able to trust that since the first week we played. So personality isn't the whole explanation...

Besides, as opposed to Swede, Tight and Corvus, this guy is really, really good at speaking his mind. He seems to be more in contact with his emotions, he articulates both feelings and intentions clearly, he expresses his needs and he's able to explain (to a large degree) how he "ticks".

So am I just misreading him? Putting too much weight on observations and behaviors, and not enough into what he actually says? I'm not sure if I can do otherwise...

Maybe I'm the one over-thinking things?

What didn't work out: The French

This weekend, T and I participated in a conference/festival. It's not a kink/poly/BDSM event, but many of the participants were kinky/poly in some way. And the majority of the participants were sex positive, open minded and fairly liberal.

This festival has a long and proud tradition, and many of our friends and acquaintances have participated several times before. I went there mostly to figure out what the fuss was about, and to be more "in" on all the jokes and stories people in our social group tell to each other. I also wanted to find someone to hook up with and have some casual and intimate fun. I'd prefer if it was BDSM-related, but would also have been happy with some heavy vanilla petting.

Or so I thought.

A few days before the event began, three people crashed in T's and mine appartement. One of them was a polyamorous, bearded french guy around 40. Not particularly kinky or at least not part of any kink scene, and therefore unused to the typical BDSM-like negotiations. We got to know each other a bit (despite his poor English and my poor French) and he was nice enough, and we ended up kissing for a bit. However, I hesitated with taking that any further.

I spent the next two days trying to figure out why. Partially, I think it was because I wasn't particularly interested in him. He was nice enough sure, but I didn't feel like we "clicked" in any way neither physically or mentally, and he didn't have the charisma to overcome that lack (as some people do).

But partially, I think it was because I felt uncomfortable entering into any intimate encounter without a proper negotiation. At least, I felt a need to express where my boundaries were (for example no penis-in-vagina sex), so that he wouldn't feel like I was leading him on in any way..  and I wanted to talk about health issues (like the use of protection and those kinds of things). And with the language barrier being as it was, I simply wasn't interested enough to actually make the effort of having that talk.

And that makes me wonder... If I actually did catch the eye of someone interesting.. On a dance floor, for example.. Would I actually feel able to do anything with him? Spontaneous, in a darkened corner of a room, music blaring? Or would I not be able to go beyond a kiss, without really talking properly first? Doesn't all that talking remove some of the magic, the spontaneity, the flow, the feeling of being in the moment?

Is this attention that I desire, really just a mental construct? A fantasy that I'm too much of a control freak to actually explore in real life? And if the answer is yes: Is this something I ought to change? Or is this desire for control actually a good thing, because it means I'm being more safe. Not just for my own security's sake, but for the sake of my other partners and metamours..

The French encounter has given me new insight into my own reactions, thought patterns, wants and needs. I don't have any answers, but I've at least discovered more questions.

A philosophical ramble on attention and attraction

(I thought I'd written this elsewhere in this blog, but apparently I hadn't. So I'm writing it here.)

In the kink community, dominant women are in high demand. And since I'm an experienced, highly visible and outspoken person, who's willing to play casually with others.. Well, I'm usually not lacking in offers.

However, in no other social scene do I get the same attention. In other social settings, it feels like I'm still stuck in high school, sitting in a corner and watching the more popular girls having all the fun. Being alone, while others are swimming in offers (often more than they want).

For this reason, it's always difficult for me to deal emotionally with the discussions concerning unwanted sexual attention from guys. Like cat-calling or people groping women in a bar queue.

(Now, I don't doubt that this is a problem, for lots of women, and I can sympathise on an intellectual level. I've also felt slightly worried when walking alone in town at night, I've taken precautions with where I meet someone for the first time, I try not to get overly drunk at parties, I worry that I'm "leading someone on" if I'm too nice to them... So yeah "rape culture" is definitely a problem. I do think about my own safety in my daily life, and especially when interacting with men I don't know that well.)

But on some level, I wish I could get some of that attention that other women seem to hate. I know it's irrational, and that I probably wouldn't want any such attention from guys if it did happen to me... I know that stalking and cat-calling and groping and veiled threats hidden as compliments aren't nice, and they don't make people feel wanted or desired or safe. But still...

But still, I can't help notice that some women get all the attention. All the positive attention AND all the negative attention. Some women... not me.

Like I said, it's like being back in high school, watching the popular kids. Sometimes, I feel like negative attention would be better than none at all. That way, at least, I'd know that SOMEONE was attracted to me. Someone thought I was sexy. (Someone, who didn't know that I represent the commodity that is "Dominant Woman".) Someone who saw me, and was attracted to me. Yeah, it's sort of irrational, I know.

Still, I can't quite shake it.

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Rope weekend (with pictures!)

Saint and I just had an amazing weekend with a group of shibari / bondage enthusiasts. The entire weekend was just ropes, ropes, ropes. I didn't read books, or use my computer, or check Facebook or read blogs like I use to. On our way home on Sunday, my fingers and hands were so raw and sore, even typing on my phone hurt! I'm still sore, and my muscles ache.

It was SO worth it, though. The atmosphere was amazing, with several couples all tying, watching, learning and enjoying rope in the same room. I got to try stuff that I'd never done before, practice techniques that I've yet to master, and got to develop as a rigger. Saint and I also had a great time as a couple, growing closer and sharing our love of rope with each other.

One technique I kept practicing was a "rope ladder", for use with (full- or partial-) inverse suspensions. I did it four times (!!!), and still it kept slipping. I just couldn't get it tight enough. Finally, another woman there showed me how to do it tighter. Here's a picture of her work, on Saint's legs. I look forward to practicing some more, and see if I can finally get it right.


(Also, Saint dislikes feet, both his own and other peoples. So posting this might embarrass him a bit... And we both enjoy humiliation, so hopefully that will be fun.)

Under the skilled guidance of a friend of ours, Saint even got to tie me up. He's never done such advanced bondage before, only some self-bondage and some simple cuffs. He did a "3TK", a box tie with an extra rope added for security and tightness. Here's a picture of my back with the ropes in place:


I had to struggle between freaking out (because I was tied up) and enjoying it (because I was tied up). It was exhausting, and several times I was close to using a safe word and begging them cut me out. In the end, the exhaustion, thrill and pain of the ropes, made me zone out. Meditatively. Drunkenly, sort of. A very interesting experience, and I've still got the bruises to show for it. Though in my mind, this has confirmed that I'm still more of a rigger than a bunny.

I also did my first self-suspensions during the weekend. Both times from a hip harness, the first one very improvised and the other one a proper (if slightly loose) Leto harness. You're supposed to be able to turn up-side-down in it, and another women there did just that... I only dared to go down to about 60 degrees, and then chickened out. I've never liked being up-side-down. It was fun to swing, though!



I'd like to try self-suspension again. As long as I could control it 100%, being in the ropes itself wasn't so bad. I want to do it again, not only because it was challenging (though that's part of it).. But also because self-suspension will make me a better rigger. It demands more control, more strength and better technique. Honing my skills, will make the bondage experience better for both my bunny and me in the future.