Saturday, November 28, 2015

Lots of kinky fun

Saturday was... instense. There's no other word for it.

I met and played with the experienced guy, whom I wrote about here and who was the subject in the snapshots here. We wrote back and forth, negotiating limits and talking of what turned us on, for over a week. A wall of text. On that Saturday, we met up, eaten, chatted, admired eachother's equipment and spoke more about boundries and rules. Then we went to a party, and played. And it was great fun!

We were at a party in my local BDSM club, and had two long sessions. Both were in public, and in total they lasted close to four hours. This is without doubt the most play-intensive party I've had in years, perhaps ever. It's also the first time I've played that rough in public.

At this particular party, a group of sexology students were invited. T had fun explaining our lifestyle and what we do, and used my play with this guy as a living example of what he was talking about. The question he had to answer most often was "is that really your wife?". And yes, I am. The fact that I was fucking another man in the ass at the time, does not make me any less of T's wife. I find that situation quite hillarious, and I think T enjoyed himself as well. Although he might have gotten tired of answering the same questions over and over again.

But back to the experienced guy (I need to think of a pseodonym for him). First of all, he was nervous too. That helped. Secondly, while I was ridicculously nervous before we started, that all went away the moment I began touching him. Third, he's just been full of praise afterwards. He greatly enjoyed that I was so experienced. That I dared to push him further and hit him harder than many newbie-doms do. That I wasn't afraid of his whimpers and screams. That I reacted promptly to his safe words, but didn't let the fact that he needed to use them sap my spirit. That I was creative, and rough and enjoyed myself. (I also made some quite spectacular bruises, which has made him happy and proud. Silly boy.)

And oh, did I enjoy myself! That he so willingly used safe words (yellow only, I never heard any red), gave me confidence. It meant that I didn't have to think for both myself and for him, I could just go with my instincts, do what I wanted to do and have fun. He would let me know if it was too much. And it wasn't too much. The few times he did use safe words, it was mostly practical things like his arms falling asleep. He never used them on the humiliation, and only once on the pain (which was during CBT, so I'm not surprised). And like one of the first times I really played with humiliation (around here somewhere), it all comes down to trust. I can't trust my insticts on wether or not the other person is doing ok. So I HAVE to trust that he will use a safe word. Without that trust, I can't possibly allow myself to play that rough.

I loved how I didn't have to rein myself in. I could be as mean as I felt like, as sadistical as I felt like. This wasn't a newbie. This wasn't a sub who endured the pain because I wanted him to. This was an experienced submissive and masochist. He loves pain. He loves humiliation. There was nothing I did to him that he couldn't handle.

The trust was there. The kink was there. It was intense. It was intimate. Even though we never kissed, I never took off my underwear, he never touched me intimately in any way and I never touched him in any "vanilla" way... It felt intimate.

But despite that intensity and intimacy, when it was over it was over. Like flipping a light switch. After the mandatory aftercare, we were back to being... Neutral.  Acquaintances, possibly friends, but nothing more. No lingering touches, no knowing looks, no feeling of connectedness or belonging. I find that strange, but very comforting.  He's monogamous. He's got a fiancĂ©e, and although he plays with others, his love is for her alone. Sex, in the traditional sense, is for her alone.

Will I play with him again? Maybe. I wouldn't turn down the chance, if it was offered and I didn't already have plans. I had a great time with him. But there is no pulling need for him. No crush. No lingering feelings or desires. It's not a relationship, and I wouldn't want him in one either. This feels clean, almost clinical in it's loveless-ness. It feels like freedom from expectations, it feels like fresh oportunities and most of all: It feel like fun. Kinky fun.

Friday, November 27, 2015

Snapshots of humiliation and pain

It's been almost a week, but some images are still very clear.

Sitting over his naked body, hitting him with a small wooden club. Waching him writher underneath me, whimpering, shounting and begging.

Bending him over a small desk, fucking him roughly with a strap-on. First my pink one, then his huge black one.

Reminding him that people are waching, they see his humiliation and they can see and hear everything I do to him.

Making him ask me, beg me, to hurt and humiliate him. And making him repeat it, louder. I don't think the audience quite heard him the first time (or so I told him).

Slapping his face, spitting at him, calling him names.

Mocking his intellect, his ability to understand even the smallest and simplest of commands. First treating him like a slow, unwilling child, and then simply giving up on trying to teach him anything. Telling him that he's a disapointment.

Using a rubber-coated stick (which we've named The Elder Wand, because it looks like something out of Harry Potter), hitting him on any bodypart I can reach. When he moves one limb out of the way, I simply hit another. He's whimpering.

Using the back of a long-handled brush to hit him, and using the brush side to mockingly brush his back when he tries to curl up. Listening to his gasps, as he almost sobs.

Locking him in a pillory, bending over his back and grasping around his naked hips. A blow-up butt plug, being ground into his ass by the knee that I've forcefully pressed between his legs. Reminding him what I'm doing, reminding him that he loves this, and waching the shame and embarasement that floods his face.

Feeling his hips, and they grind down towards me. His ass just wants more, and more. Greedy. Horny. Yawning open, like some hungry animal, ready to devour anything and everything. Pointing this out to him. Calling him a horney ass slut. Waching him become flustered and start to stammer. Reapeting it. Making him repeat it.

Seeing him disolve into a puddle of sub-space. Everything becomes quiet, meditative. I want to keep him there, and so I keep hurting him. But I don't want to snap him out of it, so the hurt is never too much. Never sharp or sudden.

Telling him we will stop now. Having him curled up in a ball, snuggled in my lap. Covered, protected.

I'm so grateful.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Bring it on, I dare you!

At this week's munch at our local BDSM club, I started chatting with this guy. He's very experienced, always cheerful, knows almost everyone, and not someone I'd usually approach. In short, I find him a bit intimidating. He'd recently had a casual play session with a friend of us both, and I don't know what got into me.. I said somethning of a kind to "You should have mentioned you wanted some fun, I could very easily have had some fun with you", in a joking kind of way.

To my surprise, he took my proposal for what it was. He asked if I was serious, and when I confirmed my desire to play with him, he was practically beaming. He responded that he'd love to play with me sometime. He informed me that he's a masochist, and enjoy pain and humiliation. I warned him that as a sadist I'm not particularly patient... I want things to hurt bad, and hurt now. So if it was a slow, safe spanking he wanted, with lots of warm-up, I probably wasn't the right person. He kept saying he was fine with that, and kept repeating "bring it on, I dare you!". 

I asked him to message me on Fetlife when he got home, to show that he was serious. Then we could talk some more in writing and see if our interests aligned. If I didn't recieve a message, I would know that he didn't really mean it. That he wasn't interested, or up for it.

In my heart, I really hoped he would message me. 
He did. That very same night. 
Overjoyed, I messaged him back and we've been communicating and negotiating back and forth since.

His messages have confirmed what I already knew: This guy is experienced! He's done lots of things, he knows his limits, he communicates and he's played with lots of different people. Like I said in my previous entry, most people I play with are rather new. He isn't. Whilst this is exchiting and very interesting, it's aslo challenging. More threatening somehow, as I feel I get judged and compared to others. 

Perhaps it's just my low self-esteem talking, but this is what I find so comfortable when I play with newbies: They have very little to compare me to. I know the sessions won't be great, but I also know that they will enjoy whatever tiny taste they can get of kink stuff. This experienced guy... I know I'll have to plan this out more carefully, I know I'll be more nervous and I know I might overthink it all. But I also know that this COULD be really, really good. He's experienced and confident enough that if I manage to build the trust needed to play at all, the play might end up being really intense. Really nice. Really sexy. 

So yeah, a higher fall. But also a potential for a bigger gain. 
Bring it on, I dare you!

Black and white paint

I'm lucky enough to have a wonderful sub and boyfriend in my Saint. Next week, we'll have been together for two years. Imagine that! Two years! It's certainly the longest relationship I've ever had with a play partner. I love him, and I'm so glad he's in my life. 

I usually go to our local BDSM club along with Saint, and we play and have fun. However, sometimes he doesn't have the time or the energy to go, and I head there on my own. In the beginning, he was hesitant when I wanted to play with others. He was afraid he'd loose me to someone "better" (as if anyone could be better than him). However, he's mostly gotten past these insecurities now, and I think we're stronger and better for it. I haven't played with lots of people, but there's been a few.

As usual, most of the people I play with a newbies. I like them, they're cute and eager, and I enjoy feeling superior and more experienced. However, I occationally encounter more experienced subs. The recent Halloween party gave me one such experience. I'd been mumbling and moaning that I didn't have anyone to play with, and about halfway through the evening and friend comes running up: "I found one, I found one!" I couldn't help but laugh, as I was dragged over to meet a guy in white and black facepaint. Turns out, I'd met him a couple of times before many years ago, but I didn't know him well and we'd never played. He was just visiting the city, so he wasn't a regular.

After having talked for a while, we played. He wasn't a masochist, so I avoided the typical things like spanking and such. Our play was more sensation-based, lots of variation, and kind of primal. I enjoy using teeth and nails, mouth and hands. I enjoy being close, pressing my body into the other's body and pinning them down.

There were no fireworks, but it was a highly enjoyable session. If he's back in the city sometime, and we're free at the same event, I'd like to play with him again. I just have to recognize him without the face paint... :P