Thursday, June 25, 2015

Rejection, trust and confidence

I've written and deleted this blog entry twice already. This is my third go, and I'm still not sure what I'm writing about. 

The first entry was about rejection, and how I'm so not used to getting rejected anymore. Which is weird, because it used to be a common occurrence. But since I got together with T and got seriously into the BDSM community as a Dom, I don't think it's happened even once. Sure, I've flirted with people which didn't lead anywhere. But that's different. Once someone has had a taste of me and a taste of what I can do, they've always wanted more. I've been the one holding back. 

Arthur is holding back now. Not rejecting me, per say, but postponing. Which feels confusingly like rejection, even though I know intellectually that this isn't what he's trying to do. He just wants to dial things down a notch or two, and progress more slowly. Which is fine, really it is! It's just very, very... Unfamiliar. But I'm working on it.

The second entry was about trust, and how important trust is when you're doing anything sexual or intimate with anyone. I've written about power and responsibility before, here and here. And I tried to write something about how trust needs to be built upon emotional and/or intellectual "connection" and understanding between two parties. Preferably, the subject should be trusting me both intellectually and emotionally. 

I'm working on Arthur, trying to make him trust me, but it's a struggle because he doesn't really seem to trust anyone. Not even himself. I have these instincts about what I think could work, but I worry that I might be wrong. That I might end up making things worse. And as we've seen in those blog entries that I linked to, I can't afford to be insecure and to worry at this point. Because if I don't know what I'm doing, how can he possibly place any faith in me? 

And that worries me as well. Which goes full circle into making me feel like... failure. Which really isn't much of a confidence boost.

I still don't know what I want to say with this blog entry, or what point I wanted to make. Guess I'm confused. And tired. I'll leave it at that, and hope I get my head screwed on right by tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Next time? A good thing?

Speaking of "next time". Last weekend I flirted with a guy whom I'm naming Arthur (obviously not his real name, but a reference to the mythical king Athur). We'd been working together for some time, planning a social event, and had gotten to know eachother.

He's a nice, intelligent, clever guy who shares many of my interests. He's not into BDSM, but for the occational, casual flirt/fling, that doesn't really bother me. I like how he looks, how he thinks and how he acts. He's helpful, kind and interesting.

Of course, he's also fairly mentally unstable, but I guess you can't have it all... He struggles in social situations (though not as much as he apparently seems to think) and he struggles with depression/anxiety and low self-esteem. He hadn't hooked up with a girl for some time, or even gotten much attention or cuddles, so I thought I could do him some good. He's a nice guy and he deserves to have good things happen to him. (Yeah, I'm cocky enough to call myself a "good thing", in this context. Haha.) Besides, I was fascinated by him and wanted to get to know him better.

After having cleared things with both Saint and T, I met Arthur again today. We'd spoked extensively beforehand, about expectations and what we wanted/didn't want from a potential hook-up. As things stand right now, I think we're in agreement that this is a casual, occational, fun thing. Nothing long lasting, no formal relationship, no love or other loving emotions, and no actual penis-in-vagina sex. (Of course, I also thought that I'd cleared things with War, and then all of a sudden things weren't so clear.) I just have to cross my fingers and hope that we're on the same page.

Fooling around with Arthur today was fun. He's got a gorgeous dick, which was wonderfull to handle with both my hands and my mouth (I really, really love dicks). He's got significant skills with his fingers, and he's good at listening to my signals and instructions. I found him difficult to read, and the lack of any BDSM-dynamic was unfamiliar and took some getting used to. But in the end that didn't really matter, and both ended up naked, sweaty and satisfied.

Confusingly, I'm also nervous that he doesn't really want me. I mean, I know he wants something from someone, but I know that he doesn't desire me specifically. He's practically admitted as much. I don't know if that really matters, or if it should matter... Like I said, I think he should experience good things, and it shouldn't really matter to me wether he wants me specifically or if I'm just satisfying a need. But on the other hand, I don't want to feel like I'm just being used, or that I'm compteley interchangeable with anyone else. To be fair, I can't really blame him for any of this, as I'm the one who threw myself on him, not the other way around. If he's just grabbing the oportunity, regardless of who I am, then I guess that should be fine. I guess I need to work on that for a bit, as I'm not 100% fine with being completely interchangable. But that's not his problem, nor his responsibility. That's all on me.

I hope that he's ok with what we've done, and that he keeps being ok with it. To be truthful, I don't know exactly how mentally stable or unstable he is. And I don't know how much damage my pushing and prodding has done.

I want to do people good. Not hurt them or make them worse. And what happened to Corvus still terrifies me. He seemed fairly fine, and a few months later he was a suicidal mess. I'm not convinced that I left War in a better place than he was when we started either. Some days, I think I did, and some days I think I didn't. I wand to do good.

I want to help people, make them stronger and better than they were before they met me. And I'm terrified that I'm making people worse.

Expectations, endings and awkwardness

Endings are always hard, but in these last two instances I don't think I could have done anything differently. This entry is about War and Jump.

War and I were vanilla lovers for about a year, with flirting and the occational hookup both before and after that period. I cared about him, and still do, and I'm sure that us having to end things was partially my fault. But I'm unsure of what I could have done differently at the time. 

When we first became lovers, I was in a very vulnerable place. I was clinically depressed, on sick leave from work, and I just wasn't myself. He gave me attention, company and physical closeness/intimacy. I was very clear that I didn't want any strings attatched, and I didn't want any expectations of anything more. We were lovers, it was a casual, fun thing, and nothing more. We spoke about this repeatedly, and I was very, very frank. 

Of course, my actions might have come accross as something else. Because I was so depressed, and because he gave me exactly what I needed at the time, I spent a lot of time with him. I didn't have the energy to do much else or meet other people. It might have come accross as more than a casual fling, at least for a while. 

Then I started getting better. I got more energy, I felt like seeing people, socializing and started getting my life back on track. I got a new job, and generally got more busy. I didn't have as much time for War. I still wanted to see him, but I couldn't spend all my time with him anymore. That's when things started going wrong. Because all of a sudden, he got clingy. Needy. All of a sudden, what I expected to be a "no strings"-kind of thing, had all kinds of unexpected strings after all. 

And so I kept backing away. I didn't really communicate this clearly to War, because I wasn't entirely aware of it myself (I've analyzed my behavior several months later). The more I backed away and asked for space, the less space he gave me. I tried going to see him a couple of times, stating clarely that sex wasn't going to happen. And yet he kept pushing, making inuendoes and jokes, and obviously not accepting that sex wasn't on the table. On my last visit to his place, I stated clearly four times that his behavior was bothering me, and that it made me feel uncomfortable. He appologized, and then did it again. And again. 

I haven't been alone with him since. We still see eachother in social situations, but it's kind of awkward. He gets this look on his face, and we can't speak with eachother like regular friends anymore. Last weekend, we met while he was a bit tipsy and things were better. I really hoped that we could go back to the friendly tone we used to have before. But yesterday and today, he's sent me these weird messages about how he'd wanted to hug me, but didn't do it, and is now regretting not having done it. I don't really know what to say or how to answer, while still remaining truthfull. It's all just very awkward. I miss my friend, and really, really wish he'd just get over me. 

Jump and I kind of ended almost before it began. Jump is a good friend of War, that's actually how we met. We had a couple of fun, flirty months. We fooled around a bit, kissed and fondled. Then he was at a New Years party where both War and I were present, and he just couldn't handle me spending time with War. Whenever I spent time with War, sitting next to him or talking with him, Jump would sit starting at us. He'd have this abandoned puppy-look in his eyes, and he wouldn't socialize with anyone else at the party. This bothered War as well, and I know at least a few other guests noticed it too.

I tried to confront Jump with his behavior the following week, and told him how and why it wasn't acceptable. Not only did he not agree with me or understand what I ment, he flat out refused that such a thing could have happened. He claimed he hadn't done anything like that. Hearing him talking about the party, I realised that not only were we not communicating properly. We didn't have the same grip on reality. So I ended it there and then. 

Jump and I weren't very close before we started fooling around, but we still meet occationally in social settings. When we do, he completely ignores me. And to be honest, that's fine by me. I don't know what I every saw in the guy. It's certainly still awkward.

With Jump, I know I shouldn't have started fooling around with him in the first place. We didn't know eachother well enough and we were completely unable to communicate. Lesson learned. 

With War, I still don't know how I could have acted differently. I wasn't well when we became lovers, but I can't blame the depression. And I certainly can't avoid future relationships because I have or might have a mental illness. I really, truly thought that I'd been clear: I didn't want any strings, I didn't want any expectations. He developped expectations of an "us" anyway. 

I can't take responsiblity for what other people think or feel. I can only try to be as clear as I can. And to learn my lessons well, and be even clearer the next time.