Saturday, December 5, 2015

One Submissive Act

Thanks to Ferret, a sex positive blogger and author, I've recently discovered a site called One Submissive Act. This isn't a social network, or a dating site. It's very barebones, and based solely on one idea: Submissives post that they are willing to perform a submissive act, either to a person of their choosing or publically for anyone to claim. They don't get to decide what they do, only the difficulty level of the act. They also post their hard limits in their profiles, so the doms can avoid those.

The dominants may also post a demand, either to a specific person (by sending a link to someone, or by claiming one of the public submissive acts) or publically to any submissive who wants it. Again, the subs don't get to read the description of the act before they accept the demand. They only get to see the difficulty level, as well as the dom's hard limits.

If you're a switch, you can "battle" other switches. You both write up your demands. Whoever looses a game of rock-paper-scissors has to perform the other's demand.

Both subs, doms and switches can choose among a long range of genders, both self-identifying and also choosing their target audience. Public submissions/demands may be posted to every gender, or to your targeted audience.

Once a sub performs the act demanded, he must document the act through a photograph. The photo is uploaded to the site and shared only with the dom making the demand. At this point, the sub may write a comment. The dom, upon viewing the picture (and comment), may choose to also make a comment. The dom then grades the submission on a scale from A to F.

There is no further option for communication, unless another submission is made. And you can't send submissions/demands to specific profiles on the site, you can only target their public submissions/demands or copy the act's link and email it to someone. Nor can you search for profiles you haven't already acted with.

Why this might be a bad idea:
Assuming one chooses the public option, thus having the submissions/demands posted openly on the site: This removes almost all negotiation. The hard limits are there, but aside from that you have no idea what the other person likes or dislikes. The subs and doms don't actually talk to eachother before they start playing, and there is no option to continue talking afterwards. So no aftercare.

However, there is the option for the sub to "chicken out" of a demand after having read it. That will cancel the demand. It's also possible to choose reasons for this, for example that the demand is too dangerous to do. This is a good thing, as it basically leaves the option of using a safe word to get out of an act.

Why this might be a good idea:
There is no possibility for stalking people on the site. And no creepy, unsolicited messages that can flood someone's inbox. And no one to actually force you to do anything. Chickening out of an act doesn't have any consequences other than the act being terminated. Also, leaving an act undone doesn't have any consequences either. So it's fairly safe, assuming all people involved have enough self preservation to avoid harming themselves. The ability to target specific difficulty levels, means that someone who's not comfortable with full nudity and sexual acts, may still have fun submitting or demanding submission.

And last, but not least: It's fun. It's titillating, to demand something of a random group of kinky strangers. Hoping someone will bite. It's thrilling to see that someone has claimed your demand, and waiting for that photo to prove that they've performed the act. And it's great fun to see random kinky strangers actually doing the things you demand of them. Some follow the letter of the demand, some go above and beyond what you asked for. It's interesting to see their comments.

It's turns me on, knowing that I made this random stranger do this thing. That he felt exposed, small, humiliated and in pain, because of a demand I made. That I have the picture to prove it.

So yeah, I really like One Submissive Act. If you're interested in these sorts of things, I hope to see you there.

Saturday, November 28, 2015

Lots of kinky fun

Saturday was... instense. There's no other word for it.

I met and played with the experienced guy, whom I wrote about here and who was the subject in the snapshots here. We wrote back and forth, negotiating limits and talking of what turned us on, for over a week. A wall of text. On that Saturday, we met up, eaten, chatted, admired eachother's equipment and spoke more about boundries and rules. Then we went to a party, and played. And it was great fun!

We were at a party in my local BDSM club, and had two long sessions. Both were in public, and in total they lasted close to four hours. This is without doubt the most play-intensive party I've had in years, perhaps ever. It's also the first time I've played that rough in public.

At this particular party, a group of sexology students were invited. T had fun explaining our lifestyle and what we do, and used my play with this guy as a living example of what he was talking about. The question he had to answer most often was "is that really your wife?". And yes, I am. The fact that I was fucking another man in the ass at the time, does not make me any less of T's wife. I find that situation quite hillarious, and I think T enjoyed himself as well. Although he might have gotten tired of answering the same questions over and over again.

But back to the experienced guy (I need to think of a pseodonym for him). First of all, he was nervous too. That helped. Secondly, while I was ridicculously nervous before we started, that all went away the moment I began touching him. Third, he's just been full of praise afterwards. He greatly enjoyed that I was so experienced. That I dared to push him further and hit him harder than many newbie-doms do. That I wasn't afraid of his whimpers and screams. That I reacted promptly to his safe words, but didn't let the fact that he needed to use them sap my spirit. That I was creative, and rough and enjoyed myself. (I also made some quite spectacular bruises, which has made him happy and proud. Silly boy.)

And oh, did I enjoy myself! That he so willingly used safe words (yellow only, I never heard any red), gave me confidence. It meant that I didn't have to think for both myself and for him, I could just go with my instincts, do what I wanted to do and have fun. He would let me know if it was too much. And it wasn't too much. The few times he did use safe words, it was mostly practical things like his arms falling asleep. He never used them on the humiliation, and only once on the pain (which was during CBT, so I'm not surprised). And like one of the first times I really played with humiliation (around here somewhere), it all comes down to trust. I can't trust my insticts on wether or not the other person is doing ok. So I HAVE to trust that he will use a safe word. Without that trust, I can't possibly allow myself to play that rough.

I loved how I didn't have to rein myself in. I could be as mean as I felt like, as sadistical as I felt like. This wasn't a newbie. This wasn't a sub who endured the pain because I wanted him to. This was an experienced submissive and masochist. He loves pain. He loves humiliation. There was nothing I did to him that he couldn't handle.

The trust was there. The kink was there. It was intense. It was intimate. Even though we never kissed, I never took off my underwear, he never touched me intimately in any way and I never touched him in any "vanilla" way... It felt intimate.

But despite that intensity and intimacy, when it was over it was over. Like flipping a light switch. After the mandatory aftercare, we were back to being... Neutral.  Acquaintances, possibly friends, but nothing more. No lingering touches, no knowing looks, no feeling of connectedness or belonging. I find that strange, but very comforting.  He's monogamous. He's got a fiancĂ©e, and although he plays with others, his love is for her alone. Sex, in the traditional sense, is for her alone.

Will I play with him again? Maybe. I wouldn't turn down the chance, if it was offered and I didn't already have plans. I had a great time with him. But there is no pulling need for him. No crush. No lingering feelings or desires. It's not a relationship, and I wouldn't want him in one either. This feels clean, almost clinical in it's loveless-ness. It feels like freedom from expectations, it feels like fresh oportunities and most of all: It feel like fun. Kinky fun.

Friday, November 27, 2015

Snapshots of humiliation and pain

It's been almost a week, but some images are still very clear.

Sitting over his naked body, hitting him with a small wooden club. Waching him writher underneath me, whimpering, shounting and begging.

Bending him over a small desk, fucking him roughly with a strap-on. First my pink one, then his huge black one.

Reminding him that people are waching, they see his humiliation and they can see and hear everything I do to him.

Making him ask me, beg me, to hurt and humiliate him. And making him repeat it, louder. I don't think the audience quite heard him the first time (or so I told him).

Slapping his face, spitting at him, calling him names.

Mocking his intellect, his ability to understand even the smallest and simplest of commands. First treating him like a slow, unwilling child, and then simply giving up on trying to teach him anything. Telling him that he's a disapointment.

Using a rubber-coated stick (which we've named The Elder Wand, because it looks like something out of Harry Potter), hitting him on any bodypart I can reach. When he moves one limb out of the way, I simply hit another. He's whimpering.

Using the back of a long-handled brush to hit him, and using the brush side to mockingly brush his back when he tries to curl up. Listening to his gasps, as he almost sobs.

Locking him in a pillory, bending over his back and grasping around his naked hips. A blow-up butt plug, being ground into his ass by the knee that I've forcefully pressed between his legs. Reminding him what I'm doing, reminding him that he loves this, and waching the shame and embarasement that floods his face.

Feeling his hips, and they grind down towards me. His ass just wants more, and more. Greedy. Horny. Yawning open, like some hungry animal, ready to devour anything and everything. Pointing this out to him. Calling him a horney ass slut. Waching him become flustered and start to stammer. Reapeting it. Making him repeat it.

Seeing him disolve into a puddle of sub-space. Everything becomes quiet, meditative. I want to keep him there, and so I keep hurting him. But I don't want to snap him out of it, so the hurt is never too much. Never sharp or sudden.

Telling him we will stop now. Having him curled up in a ball, snuggled in my lap. Covered, protected.

I'm so grateful.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Bring it on, I dare you!

At this week's munch at our local BDSM club, I started chatting with this guy. He's very experienced, always cheerful, knows almost everyone, and not someone I'd usually approach. In short, I find him a bit intimidating. He'd recently had a casual play session with a friend of us both, and I don't know what got into me.. I said somethning of a kind to "You should have mentioned you wanted some fun, I could very easily have had some fun with you", in a joking kind of way.

To my surprise, he took my proposal for what it was. He asked if I was serious, and when I confirmed my desire to play with him, he was practically beaming. He responded that he'd love to play with me sometime. He informed me that he's a masochist, and enjoy pain and humiliation. I warned him that as a sadist I'm not particularly patient... I want things to hurt bad, and hurt now. So if it was a slow, safe spanking he wanted, with lots of warm-up, I probably wasn't the right person. He kept saying he was fine with that, and kept repeating "bring it on, I dare you!". 

I asked him to message me on Fetlife when he got home, to show that he was serious. Then we could talk some more in writing and see if our interests aligned. If I didn't recieve a message, I would know that he didn't really mean it. That he wasn't interested, or up for it.

In my heart, I really hoped he would message me. 
He did. That very same night. 
Overjoyed, I messaged him back and we've been communicating and negotiating back and forth since.

His messages have confirmed what I already knew: This guy is experienced! He's done lots of things, he knows his limits, he communicates and he's played with lots of different people. Like I said in my previous entry, most people I play with are rather new. He isn't. Whilst this is exchiting and very interesting, it's aslo challenging. More threatening somehow, as I feel I get judged and compared to others. 

Perhaps it's just my low self-esteem talking, but this is what I find so comfortable when I play with newbies: They have very little to compare me to. I know the sessions won't be great, but I also know that they will enjoy whatever tiny taste they can get of kink stuff. This experienced guy... I know I'll have to plan this out more carefully, I know I'll be more nervous and I know I might overthink it all. But I also know that this COULD be really, really good. He's experienced and confident enough that if I manage to build the trust needed to play at all, the play might end up being really intense. Really nice. Really sexy. 

So yeah, a higher fall. But also a potential for a bigger gain. 
Bring it on, I dare you!

Black and white paint

I'm lucky enough to have a wonderful sub and boyfriend in my Saint. Next week, we'll have been together for two years. Imagine that! Two years! It's certainly the longest relationship I've ever had with a play partner. I love him, and I'm so glad he's in my life. 

I usually go to our local BDSM club along with Saint, and we play and have fun. However, sometimes he doesn't have the time or the energy to go, and I head there on my own. In the beginning, he was hesitant when I wanted to play with others. He was afraid he'd loose me to someone "better" (as if anyone could be better than him). However, he's mostly gotten past these insecurities now, and I think we're stronger and better for it. I haven't played with lots of people, but there's been a few.

As usual, most of the people I play with a newbies. I like them, they're cute and eager, and I enjoy feeling superior and more experienced. However, I occationally encounter more experienced subs. The recent Halloween party gave me one such experience. I'd been mumbling and moaning that I didn't have anyone to play with, and about halfway through the evening and friend comes running up: "I found one, I found one!" I couldn't help but laugh, as I was dragged over to meet a guy in white and black facepaint. Turns out, I'd met him a couple of times before many years ago, but I didn't know him well and we'd never played. He was just visiting the city, so he wasn't a regular.

After having talked for a while, we played. He wasn't a masochist, so I avoided the typical things like spanking and such. Our play was more sensation-based, lots of variation, and kind of primal. I enjoy using teeth and nails, mouth and hands. I enjoy being close, pressing my body into the other's body and pinning them down.

There were no fireworks, but it was a highly enjoyable session. If he's back in the city sometime, and we're free at the same event, I'd like to play with him again. I just have to recognize him without the face paint... :P

Thursday, September 24, 2015

The good sides and the bad

I'm difficult to live with sometimes. Most of the time, I'm a fairly stable person. I can be argumentative and stubborn and emotional, but usually these three don't happen at once. Sometimes, though, they do. Like today, when I take a tiny problem and blow it way out of proportion. I don't know why that happened, though I suspect it has to do with a combination of low blood sugar and being tired because of a cold.

Usually, these bouts of unstableness don't last. I also tend to have the presence of mind to appologize afterwards, which I hope makes it a bit more bearable. As T was away, Saint had to bear the brunt of my temper today. And he did well. He yielded just enough to not fuel the flames, but not so much as to seem dishonest or moching.

Once my temper had calmed down, and I'd eaten and relaxed for a bit, I made it up to him: I tied him up, teased him, sat on his face and made him come. I even used the Fairy (a very strong vibrator) on him. It was great fun for us both, and it was an important moment of bonding, and of reaffirming our feelings for each other and our power dynamic. We've both been sick and tired lately, there hasn't been much energy left to play. Hopefully, that will change.

Saturday, there will be a party at our local BDSM club. I'm really looking forward to it, and hope I get to play some more with Saint. I'm also looking forward to dressing up and making an effort to look nice. I love the attention and the compliments that brings from Saint.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Ramblings on perfect matches

This post was inspired by something Drew wrote in his blog Drew Duality. He talked about how you realise that you can't be everything for someone, and it bothered him for a bit.

I'm not everything that T needs. I'm not everything Saint needs either. I don't think anyone can be everything for someone else. Sure, it might feel like you can, in the beginning of a relationship, when everything is new and the high of being in love glosses over all the differences. But once that high fades, you begin to show who you really are, and you realise: No one is a perfect match. No one is both someone's identical clone, and different enough to stay interesting. No one is actually a mind reader (and even if they were, that would just be creepy).

For a relationship to work, you have to be honest and open in your communications. You need to express your needs, listen and try to accomodate the other person's need, and find working compromises and solutions that work for both. In many monogamous relationships, that means that some needs won't be met. You might try, for a while, but everything doesn't always works out the way you want them to. The result is then either that you suppress your need, that you change and just get over it, or that you end up leaving your partner.

I believe polyamorous relationships have a better solution to this problem. Now, polyamory doesn't work for everyone. And you still have to work on your relationship(s), at least as much as in a monogamous relationship (if not more). But when your current partner can't fulfill your need, and it's important enough for you that you can't just change and get over it, you don't have to remain miserable or break up the relationship. There's a fourth option: Get someone else to fill that need for you.

Now, can two people be someone's all? Can three? Four? I don't think anyone, regardless of the number of people involved, can get all their needs met for all time. I don't think they should! That just doesn't sound healthy to me. Also, people change. If you had, say two partners, that was 100% of what you needed now, in a year they might be 95%. Or 105%. People change, and that's how it should be. The trick is to love them, and keep finding new ways and new reasons for loving them regardless.

Where am I going with this? I have absolutely no idea! Haha! These are just musings and ramblings on the idea of being someone's "everything". Which I conclude is impossible. And that's fine. People are as much as they can be, and we love them for it. Happiness isn't in perfection, I think. Happiness is in the small, the weird, the wibbly wobbly, timey wimey stuff. :)

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Light and fun play with others

In the months before I met Saint, I played with a lot of different guys. I used to frequent my local BDSM club, and play with anyone and everyone I could get my hands on. Sometimes we had a great match, something it didn´t work out. It completely lacked the depth of a long-term relationship, but it was flirtatious and fun. I also got to help out a lot of new guys and introduce them to the world of kink and BDSM, give them a small taste of what BDSM could be. And information work and helping new people is a true passion of mine. 

After I started playing with Saint, two things happened in tandem: I got busy with other parts of my life, and didn´t go to the BDSM club as often. At the same time, Saint wasn´t comfortable with me playing with others. He felt uncertain, and was afraid he´d loose me to some other guy. After all, such random play was how the two of us met in the first place. One one hand this felt like a bit of a loss to me, because I truly enjoy such light play with others. Not in stead of the serious, in-depth play I have with Saint, but in addition to it. On the other hand, it didn´t really bother me much. I was fairly busy anyway, so I didn´t have much time for such encounters. And the play and relationship I developped with Saint more than made up for any such feelings of loss. 

Note that he´s never really denied me anything. That wouldn´t be like him. But he was honest about his feelings on the subject, and I´m very grateful for that. I take heed and try to make him as comfortable and confident as I can. If that means giving up a minor and not-vital part of my life then I will happily do so. I love him, it´s easily worth it.

As long as we didn´t go to the BDSM club much, I didn´t notice this restriction. However, after having played with eachother for over 1,5 years, we decided to start going there more regularly again. We missed the people and the atmosphere. Getting back there, the restrictions on me playing with others was more keenly felt. Now, I´ve raised this issue regularly over the past couple of years, but the conclusion was always the same and no changes were made. However, this fall Saint surprised us both:

I had a nice conversation with a new guy. The kind of guy I´d typically play with, a couple of years ago. Saint approached me later that night and said he thought I should play with this new guy. He´d been really surprised at his own thoughts, but having concidered it some more he´d realised that it didn´t really bother him anymore. I pressed, really quizzed him on the subject, but he seemed genuinely ok with the idea. So I made arrangements for a potential play date with this new guy the following week. During that week, Saint and I talked about it some more. And he was still ok with it.

The day arrived, and I had my play session with this new guy. It wasn´t a great session, but it was light and fun. It felt good being "back in the saddle", so to speak. Though I worried  a lot about what Saint would think. But we talked it over later, and he was still ok with it. It´s now been almost a month, and I´m heading back to the BDSM club on Tuesday. Saint won´t be able to go, because of previous comittements, so I´m headed there on my own. And again, Saint has given the "ok" for me to find someone else to play with.

I still worry. I still don´t want to hurt him, or make him feel uncertain. I love him, and will always prioritize him higher than some random play date. Which means that if he starts feeling uncomfortable with this again, I will scale it back. His feelings matter to me. Hopefully, this is a sign that he´s grown more confident in himself and in our relationship. I hope it is. And I hope we will grow stronger from it. 

My Saint, my love

I´ve been playing with Saint for about one year and ten months now. We´ve evolved way past just play partners though. We are lovers, boyfriend/girlfriend and part-time room mates. I spend a few nights at his place every week, and the rest of the time I´m home with T.

It feels like we just started playing. I remember the eager, shy, passionate, uncertain boy that I got to know almost two years ago. Full of preconcieved ideas of what BDSM was and what he would and wouldn´t enjoy. He´s grown into a confident, happy, strong, eager and passionate man. I won´t go so far as to take the credit for all that developement, but I hope to have been a cathalyst and a good support on the way. And I´ve certainly helped bnroaden his horizons and tought him to enjoy a larger variety of experiences and sensations. 

When Saint submits, he does so with his whole heart. He expresses pleasure, pain and all the inbetweens with such a ferocity that it sometimes startles me. But I always enjoy it tremendously. I always know if something is off (though I might not always know what it is). I love how we can combine the mundane life of grocery shopping, computer gaming and museum visits, with the kinky, sexy stuff. Ofcourse things aren´t perfect, but I´m thoroughly enjoying my life with him. I´m proud of him, and I´m proud and very happy to be his dom, girlfriend and lover. And I love him.

Saturday, August 29, 2015

Weird but interesting

This polyamorous lifestyle sometimes ends me in weird, though not unplessant, situations. Right now, I'm sitting in the dark, in my bedroom, waching Netflix. I'll be going to sleep soon. In our livingroom, my husband is fondling another woman. And it was at least partially my idea.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Fairy power: Fun with new vibrator

T recently bought a new sex toy. A Fairy, which is a wand-like vibrator with a power cord. It's similar in design and function to the famous Hitatchi Wand, but the Hitatchi isn't sold in Norway/Europe. 
Running on power out of a socket in the wall, and not on batteries, this vibrator is REALLY powerful. So powerful that I found it painful to hold in my hand, when it was set to it's strongest setting. Ofcourse, I'm really sensitive. I can't take much stimulus before it turns painful. On it's very lowest setting, it feels like a strong, but pleasant vibrator. Which is much more to my taste.

I've tried strong vibrators before, but they've mostly been rechargeable or simply way too powerful for me. I've also found that there are differences between vibrators in terms of how the vibrations feel. Some have a high-pitched "hizzing" or "buzzing", others are more low and rumbling. I guess it's got something to do with the frequency of the vibrations or something. In any case, I've learnt that not all vibrators suit me, and it's impossible to know for sure until I try. I was home alone today, and took the oportunity to try the Fairy.

The vibrations were really, really strong and took some getting used to. I had to start at the very lowest setting, indirectly. As I got more used to it, I could use it more directly on my pussy. Then I came once. A short cooldown period with indirect stimulus, and I went back at it. A tiny bit stronger now, and I came again. Stronger this time. I wanted to try it a third time. It took more work, but I managed to come a third time. That was enough, my pussy felt swollen and tender and I was slightly dizzy.

After the third orgasm, I looked at the Fairy's settings. The highest setting I'd used, still was in the lower third of the Fairy's possible strength. In conclusion, I made the Fairy work for me, even though I'm really, really sensitive. I don't think I could handle it being used on me, as it would quickly go from pleasant to painful. But alone, it was pretty damn fun.

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Dropping, bad.

Addendum: This post was written on my phone late last night. As I expected, I feel fine now. No cause for alarm.

It's 11.30pm and Arthur has just left. I worry about writing this, because I know who will be reading. There will be worry and guilt and stuff, but I can't really deal with anyone else's shit right now. Need to focus on me.

Today with Arthur was intense. We played with power, control and trust, both giving and receiving. I thought it would be a useful exercise for him, to be given trust and see how he responded in turn. And it worked, kind of. I got responses neither of us had predicted (but that really weren't that surprising). Both had their clothes mostly on, and there was no real sex of any kind. But it kind of felt like we were having a mental kind of sex. Like I said, it was intense.

Like any "virgin", so to speak, Arthur was a mixture of excited and scared. Scared of his own reactions, and most of all scared that he'd unwittingly hurt me. He didn't, and we both had a very good time.

Once it was all done, and we started analyzing and digesting the events and feelings, things went sour. I was vulnerable, trusting, open, and had a tiny bad reaction to something he said. I recanted it and apologized almost immediately, but by then the damage was done. He was convinced that he'd hurt me, that he was a terrible person etc. Not a healthy place to be, but we were both to tired to even attempt to get him back out if it.

So after cuddling a bit and trying to convince him that he'd done nothing wrong, he wanted to get home. I felt terrible for leaving things like that, but didn't know what else to do.

And what usually happens when I know someone is hurting, and it's my fault, and I'm not permitted to help? I drop. Badly. I know this is a somewhat selfish act which is of very little use, but I can't control it. Basically, I feel terrible. Like a worn out dish rag, hanging limp somewhere, I feel raw and empty. Of no use. No good. Unwanted, unneeded.

Now, I KNOW that this is mostly a chemical reaction, caused by the intense interactions earlier today. It feel 100% real, 100% legit, and yet I KNOW that it will pass. I will look back on tonight, scratch my head and go "that wasn't logical at all, it made no sense". But it still feels so real now, so painful.

So instead of wallowing in my own misery, feeling sorry for myself and guilty for the hurt I've caused; I write. Writing this helps me focus, structure and see things clearly. Once I've written this, I will sleep (probably wouldn't have been able to sleep otherwise). And tomorrow, I will feel better.

That's how a drop works. That's what a drop is, at least to me.

I wish Arthur would understand that. He struggles with chemistry, too. That's all this is: Chemistry.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Rejection, trust and confidence

I've written and deleted this blog entry twice already. This is my third go, and I'm still not sure what I'm writing about. 

The first entry was about rejection, and how I'm so not used to getting rejected anymore. Which is weird, because it used to be a common occurrence. But since I got together with T and got seriously into the BDSM community as a Dom, I don't think it's happened even once. Sure, I've flirted with people which didn't lead anywhere. But that's different. Once someone has had a taste of me and a taste of what I can do, they've always wanted more. I've been the one holding back. 

Arthur is holding back now. Not rejecting me, per say, but postponing. Which feels confusingly like rejection, even though I know intellectually that this isn't what he's trying to do. He just wants to dial things down a notch or two, and progress more slowly. Which is fine, really it is! It's just very, very... Unfamiliar. But I'm working on it.

The second entry was about trust, and how important trust is when you're doing anything sexual or intimate with anyone. I've written about power and responsibility before, here and here. And I tried to write something about how trust needs to be built upon emotional and/or intellectual "connection" and understanding between two parties. Preferably, the subject should be trusting me both intellectually and emotionally. 

I'm working on Arthur, trying to make him trust me, but it's a struggle because he doesn't really seem to trust anyone. Not even himself. I have these instincts about what I think could work, but I worry that I might be wrong. That I might end up making things worse. And as we've seen in those blog entries that I linked to, I can't afford to be insecure and to worry at this point. Because if I don't know what I'm doing, how can he possibly place any faith in me? 

And that worries me as well. Which goes full circle into making me feel like... failure. Which really isn't much of a confidence boost.

I still don't know what I want to say with this blog entry, or what point I wanted to make. Guess I'm confused. And tired. I'll leave it at that, and hope I get my head screwed on right by tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Next time? A good thing?

Speaking of "next time". Last weekend I flirted with a guy whom I'm naming Arthur (obviously not his real name, but a reference to the mythical king Athur). We'd been working together for some time, planning a social event, and had gotten to know eachother.

He's a nice, intelligent, clever guy who shares many of my interests. He's not into BDSM, but for the occational, casual flirt/fling, that doesn't really bother me. I like how he looks, how he thinks and how he acts. He's helpful, kind and interesting.

Of course, he's also fairly mentally unstable, but I guess you can't have it all... He struggles in social situations (though not as much as he apparently seems to think) and he struggles with depression/anxiety and low self-esteem. He hadn't hooked up with a girl for some time, or even gotten much attention or cuddles, so I thought I could do him some good. He's a nice guy and he deserves to have good things happen to him. (Yeah, I'm cocky enough to call myself a "good thing", in this context. Haha.) Besides, I was fascinated by him and wanted to get to know him better.

After having cleared things with both Saint and T, I met Arthur again today. We'd spoked extensively beforehand, about expectations and what we wanted/didn't want from a potential hook-up. As things stand right now, I think we're in agreement that this is a casual, occational, fun thing. Nothing long lasting, no formal relationship, no love or other loving emotions, and no actual penis-in-vagina sex. (Of course, I also thought that I'd cleared things with War, and then all of a sudden things weren't so clear.) I just have to cross my fingers and hope that we're on the same page.

Fooling around with Arthur today was fun. He's got a gorgeous dick, which was wonderfull to handle with both my hands and my mouth (I really, really love dicks). He's got significant skills with his fingers, and he's good at listening to my signals and instructions. I found him difficult to read, and the lack of any BDSM-dynamic was unfamiliar and took some getting used to. But in the end that didn't really matter, and both ended up naked, sweaty and satisfied.

Confusingly, I'm also nervous that he doesn't really want me. I mean, I know he wants something from someone, but I know that he doesn't desire me specifically. He's practically admitted as much. I don't know if that really matters, or if it should matter... Like I said, I think he should experience good things, and it shouldn't really matter to me wether he wants me specifically or if I'm just satisfying a need. But on the other hand, I don't want to feel like I'm just being used, or that I'm compteley interchangeable with anyone else. To be fair, I can't really blame him for any of this, as I'm the one who threw myself on him, not the other way around. If he's just grabbing the oportunity, regardless of who I am, then I guess that should be fine. I guess I need to work on that for a bit, as I'm not 100% fine with being completely interchangable. But that's not his problem, nor his responsibility. That's all on me.

I hope that he's ok with what we've done, and that he keeps being ok with it. To be truthful, I don't know exactly how mentally stable or unstable he is. And I don't know how much damage my pushing and prodding has done.

I want to do people good. Not hurt them or make them worse. And what happened to Corvus still terrifies me. He seemed fairly fine, and a few months later he was a suicidal mess. I'm not convinced that I left War in a better place than he was when we started either. Some days, I think I did, and some days I think I didn't. I wand to do good.

I want to help people, make them stronger and better than they were before they met me. And I'm terrified that I'm making people worse.

Expectations, endings and awkwardness

Endings are always hard, but in these last two instances I don't think I could have done anything differently. This entry is about War and Jump.

War and I were vanilla lovers for about a year, with flirting and the occational hookup both before and after that period. I cared about him, and still do, and I'm sure that us having to end things was partially my fault. But I'm unsure of what I could have done differently at the time. 

When we first became lovers, I was in a very vulnerable place. I was clinically depressed, on sick leave from work, and I just wasn't myself. He gave me attention, company and physical closeness/intimacy. I was very clear that I didn't want any strings attatched, and I didn't want any expectations of anything more. We were lovers, it was a casual, fun thing, and nothing more. We spoke about this repeatedly, and I was very, very frank. 

Of course, my actions might have come accross as something else. Because I was so depressed, and because he gave me exactly what I needed at the time, I spent a lot of time with him. I didn't have the energy to do much else or meet other people. It might have come accross as more than a casual fling, at least for a while. 

Then I started getting better. I got more energy, I felt like seeing people, socializing and started getting my life back on track. I got a new job, and generally got more busy. I didn't have as much time for War. I still wanted to see him, but I couldn't spend all my time with him anymore. That's when things started going wrong. Because all of a sudden, he got clingy. Needy. All of a sudden, what I expected to be a "no strings"-kind of thing, had all kinds of unexpected strings after all. 

And so I kept backing away. I didn't really communicate this clearly to War, because I wasn't entirely aware of it myself (I've analyzed my behavior several months later). The more I backed away and asked for space, the less space he gave me. I tried going to see him a couple of times, stating clarely that sex wasn't going to happen. And yet he kept pushing, making inuendoes and jokes, and obviously not accepting that sex wasn't on the table. On my last visit to his place, I stated clearly four times that his behavior was bothering me, and that it made me feel uncomfortable. He appologized, and then did it again. And again. 

I haven't been alone with him since. We still see eachother in social situations, but it's kind of awkward. He gets this look on his face, and we can't speak with eachother like regular friends anymore. Last weekend, we met while he was a bit tipsy and things were better. I really hoped that we could go back to the friendly tone we used to have before. But yesterday and today, he's sent me these weird messages about how he'd wanted to hug me, but didn't do it, and is now regretting not having done it. I don't really know what to say or how to answer, while still remaining truthfull. It's all just very awkward. I miss my friend, and really, really wish he'd just get over me. 

Jump and I kind of ended almost before it began. Jump is a good friend of War, that's actually how we met. We had a couple of fun, flirty months. We fooled around a bit, kissed and fondled. Then he was at a New Years party where both War and I were present, and he just couldn't handle me spending time with War. Whenever I spent time with War, sitting next to him or talking with him, Jump would sit starting at us. He'd have this abandoned puppy-look in his eyes, and he wouldn't socialize with anyone else at the party. This bothered War as well, and I know at least a few other guests noticed it too.

I tried to confront Jump with his behavior the following week, and told him how and why it wasn't acceptable. Not only did he not agree with me or understand what I ment, he flat out refused that such a thing could have happened. He claimed he hadn't done anything like that. Hearing him talking about the party, I realised that not only were we not communicating properly. We didn't have the same grip on reality. So I ended it there and then. 

Jump and I weren't very close before we started fooling around, but we still meet occationally in social settings. When we do, he completely ignores me. And to be honest, that's fine by me. I don't know what I every saw in the guy. It's certainly still awkward.

With Jump, I know I shouldn't have started fooling around with him in the first place. We didn't know eachother well enough and we were completely unable to communicate. Lesson learned. 

With War, I still don't know how I could have acted differently. I wasn't well when we became lovers, but I can't blame the depression. And I certainly can't avoid future relationships because I have or might have a mental illness. I really, truly thought that I'd been clear: I didn't want any strings, I didn't want any expectations. He developped expectations of an "us" anyway. 

I can't take responsiblity for what other people think or feel. I can only try to be as clear as I can. And to learn my lessons well, and be even clearer the next time.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Status: Who, what etc.

While I was writing the previous entry, I realized that a lot of things has changed since I started this blog. Therefore, I figured it was time to do another update on my status and what's going on in my life. All, or very nearly all, of this information can be found other places in this blog. I'm just gathering and updating it.

The name that I use on this blog is Sexy Blue. I'm a (cis-)woman, living in Oslo. I'm currently 29 years old. I started dating my now husband (called T) in 2005, which is ten years ago. No kids yet, nor any pets, but hopefully some day. I'm a state-employed councilor / case worker with a university degree. I speak four languages, and can understand bits and pieces of several other (related) languages.

I'm a nerd, and proud of it. I see learning as something that has value in itself, and not something that must always be done with some purpose in mind. I spend a lot of time on my computer and my PS3. I play games, both video games, board games, tabletop roleplaying games, among other things. I love to read, particularly fantasy and science fiction.

I strongly feel that religion is something you do and not something you believe. Most days I'm an agnostic, and I'm a practicing heathen. I care deeply about tolerance, equal rights and the importance of sex education. Even the most right-wing of Norway's political, parties are still to the left of the American left. And since I support the left side (though not the extreme left) of Norwegian politics, I'm politically somewhere far off-field in American terms.

I'm kinky, and BDSM is my kink of choice. For many years I identified as a switch, and although there's still a switch in me somewhere, I'm 95% dominant now. I'm also a top, which I wrote about earlier today. I've been more or less part of the Norwegian BDSM scene since I turned 18, which is over 11 years ago now. I love bondage, sensory deprivation, tease&denial, and I enjoy chastity play. I'm also a sadist. Giving pain is fun and it turns me on, but consent and communication are must-haves when I play.

I have a lover, boyfriend, sub and friend whom I call Saint. He is mine, and I love him. I split my week, spending some nights at his place and some nights at home with T. T has a girlfriend, lover, sub and friend, whom I've nicknamed Beauty (because she is beautiful, though she's also clever, funny, brave and kind). She lives in another part of the country, but they still try to see each other once a month or so. She's a great person, and the two of us get along splendidly. I even wore a necklace she gave me at a formal dinner with my relatives (who know nothing of any of this). It amused T and I to no end. 

We're a big, happy, somewhat unusual family. Every day we struggle against what society tells us is the right way to do things, and we all agree that this way of life might not last forever. But what does? This is working for us now, and it has been for over a year. As long as all parties involved are happy, I see no harm in it.

Internet and blogs: Caring about complete strangers

It's interesting how people come from different places, meet up somehow (physially or otherwise), their paths intertwine for a while and they affect each others' lives, and then move apart again. The world is indeed smaller than we think, and internet has made it smaller.

For example, I follow a large number of blogs almost daily. Some blogs are written by near friends of mine, some by best-selling authors, or by fans. And some by kinky people. I don't comment much, because 99% of my reading is done on my phone, but I read a lot.

The three kinky blogs, and therefore bloggers, that I care for the most are Ferrett, Ferns and Thumper (and though Thumper I've also started to really care about Drew). As it turns out, some of my favorite people know of each other. For example, Drew (Thumper's lover) recently met Ferns. Which is awesome.

I've followed those first three for several years, and they've had direct influence on my life. I've actually messaged with Ferrett, as has my husband, and I've put his new book Flex on my wish list. When Ferret's goddaughter died, I cried my eyes out. I felt raw, numb with grief, for this child that I've never met and whom I have no relation with. Ferrett is also a highly intelligent man with many interesting opinions, about anything from sex to politics, and I love to read his posts and use them as food for thought.

Ferns is a dominant woman, like me, and her blog has been a source of inspiration for many a kinky, sadistic, steaming hot play session. When she published her book I bought it, and I'm currently re-reading it in little nibbles every night. It keeps giving me ideas for things to do, or reminds me of things I've done or felt, and so makes it hard to sleep. But it's worth it.

Though I care deeply for both Ferrett and Ferns, Thumper has a very special place in my heart. I've read his blog the longest, and it's the only blog that I've read the entire archive of (which wasn't that large when I started). I feel like I've known him longer than many of my real life friends (and yes I know that the blog persona is not the real person).

I started experimenting with chastity on my subs because of Thumpers blog, but not only that. His journey into some version of an open relationship, in many ways mirror my own. And although T is a lot more involved in the kink community than Thumper's Belle, I still see some similarities comparing them. (Please excuse inaccuracies of expression, spelling mistakes and grammar mishaps. English is not my first language. For example, I don't mean to imply that Belle in any way belongs to Thumper, I just couldn't think of another way to put it.)

I started this blog entry because I'd just posted a comment (for something like the second time ever) on Thumper's blog, where I said that I care about his well being. And then I realized, that is kind of weird. He has no idea who I am, I've never met him and probably never will (though Thumper, if you or Drew are ever in Norway, please get in touch). And yet I care. Just liked I worried for Ferrett when he got his heart attack, and smiled when he forced himself to eat bad blueberries. I wondered how the kissing date Ferns had planned would go. I felt happy for Thumper when his first meeting with Drew went so well, and furious alongside Drew when he got some homophobic comments. When you follow somebody's writing for long enough, you start to care.

And that's nice.

I just wanted you four to know that you have a fan, and a friend (should you want one) here in Oslo. I still won't comment much. But I read on, and I think of you (in a not crazy, not stalking kind of way!). :)

The mechanisms of desire: Top / bottom

Since T and I got a more functioning sex life again (we have sex almost every week now), I've started thinking more about the basic mechanisms of sex, desire and the practical who-does-what during a sexual act. 

I've realised that whilst I can easily be a dom, and can in some settings and with some people handle being a sub (though less and less these last few years), I prefer to always be the top. Sure, it's nice to just lay back and have things done to me.... That's a nice fantasy, a pleasant idea, but in reality I don't work like that. I prefer to mainly be the active party (here defined as top, as opposed to the passive, recieving party, here defined as bottom). 

I think the reason for this is that I'm wired to put the others' pleasure and desire ahead of my own. Wether I'm a sub, a dom or just having plain vanilla sex, I get turned on by making the other person (or persons) turned on. This means that if the other person isn't turned on in the first place, but is striving to make me turned on, I have a big problem. I don't respond well, I don't get horney, because the other person isn't, and I am not "permitted" to make them.

When I'm engaged sexually with a bottom, preferably a sub (though that is by no means required), this works out really well. I can be the active party, I can make the other person really horney, and sensing their reactions I get turned on as well. That gets the ball rolling for me. 

However, when I encounter another top, who is wired the way I am, I'm stumped. We both move around one another, feeling eachother out, and not "getting" the other person. I can still get turned on, eventually, but it takes a lot more work and a lot more time. And it very rarely gets as steaming hot as a sexual encounter with a bottom. 

I'm sure there are top/bottom-switches, much like there are sub/dom-switches, who are happy on both sides. But I'm not. I'm a top. And when I try to analyze previous sexual encounters I've had using this framework, it makes a lot of sense. For example, War is a vanilla man who endured my "toppy" behavior in bed, but I always got the sense that he would have prefered to be the more active party. Tight I believe would be happy in either possition, whilst Saint is obviously a bottom.

I believe this also is the main reason why my sexlife with T has gone so much up and down. We are too similar, in the sense that we're both tops. Much like with War, we both want the other person to enjoy him/herself, which is a very nice sentiment but is actually getting in the way of eachothers' desire.

Human sexuality is weird. Interesting, fun and hot, but very weird.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Being a "bottom" again

Very short, as I'm about to go to bed. Tonight, T gave me a spanking. It's the first spanking I've received in years, and I was pleased at how well I handled it. We didn't try to push any boundaries, but it was painful enough. And good, too. There was no D/s involved, just the physical Top/bottom stuff, which worked out very well. I don't think D/s would have worked, for that I'm too much of a dominant (and so is he).

The spanking worked very well as a kind of foreplay before sex.

Oh yes, we had sex. First time in over 2,5 years. Turns out it's much like riding a bike, it's not something you forget. Whilst we've both grown and changed in the past few years, we still love each other and enjoy pleasing each other. And that's the most important thing.