Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Unable to properly dominate?

As I'm writing this, I'm on my way into a top drop. My writings will probably be coloured by this vulnerable emotional state. Writing is my way of dealing with it. It helps me to structure my thoughts and deal with what I'm going through. It's been a long time since I dropped last, but at least this time I recognize it for what it is and am dealing with it.

I was back at our BDSM club tonight, and played with yet another person I haven't played with before. He's a lot older than me, almost twice my age. He's got a lot of kink experience, but not that much from the bottom/submissive side of it all. And most importantly for this blog post, he's got the attention span of a three year old. I think (I hope!) it comes from being new to the scene (which he is) and very enthousiastic about all the people and kink he's gotten to know. Or maybe it's just the way he always is...

Whatever the case may be, I tried to do my normal negotiation routine with him, and it just didn't work. He wouldn't sit still and be focused enough for me to ever finish that conversation. So I just dragged him into play, put a blindfold on him, and THEN negotiated (kind of). By removing the sensory input, I helped him to stay focused on me, and it kind of worked. We played for a while, he's a heavy masochist who can take A LOT of pain.

It was terribly hot in the room, and eventually I had to stop because I just felt dehydrated and dizzy. We talked a bit afterwards, and stayed together for most of the night. And yet I didn't feel like we had proper aftercare. I think partially, that's because I wasn't able to keep him in the sub-mode for much more than a few minutes at a time. He kept bobbing up to an equlibrium again and again, and I wasn't "feeling" him well enough to keep him down. Mostly, I just couldn't think of stuff to do that would be within what we'd (sort of) negotiated. So not being in, and ending in, a sub-mode, the aftercare wasn't the cooling down period I'm used to. There was no cuddling, no proper transition scene. We just went from "on" to "off". Sort of.

And I think this is the reason why I'm top dropping now. I didn't get the aftercare I needed, and I feel that it's my fault for being a... I don't know... a faulty dominant. If I'd "done my job" properly, then he'd gotten down into sub mode and stayed down. I didn't, so he didn't. He kept giving me all kinds of compliments, telling me it had been wonderful and that I was wonderful. He even said he'd learnt things from me, things he'd use the next time he was on the top. He didn't complain about anything, he didn't give a single critisism. And yet... And yet I don't feel like I was good enough.

It's weird. I felt this way when I played with EG last week as well. Like I wasn't the one really in control, like I wasn't dominant enough. Or wasn't good enough at being dominant, is perhaps a better description. For some reason, I did NOT feel this as much when I played with this slave on Saturday. Never met him before either, he's a new guy from out of town. Very much into humiliation and being a slave, not that much into pain or bondage which I thought were more my things. Yet we played, because I had no one else to play with, and it was enjoyable. I still don't feel 100% comfortable with humilitation, but I learnt a lot from playing with Tight and I felt that I made it work. Even though I still felt I wasn't as good as I could have been, at least I didn't feel THIS insecure.

So I don't know what this is... Am I unable to play with socially strong guys, is that it? Do I need someone who crawls for me from the get-go? Or am I perhaps just unable to properly dominate someone? When did I loose this ability (I know I used to have it) and how the FUCK can I get it back?!?

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

...and now I'm back?

I've been to our local BDSM club a couple of times this spring, but I didn't particularly enjoy it. Usually, it was just for practical reasons, like to hand over something someone had forgotten at my place or some other triviality. Sure, it's nice seeing people again, but none of those people are particularly close to me. Those who are, I meet elsewhere at other times during the week.

I've always said that I go to clubs mainly to play. Meeting people is secondary, at the most. Yet I went to a munch yesterday, and it WAS mainly for meeting people. I had to intention of finding anyone to play with. Honestly, I didn't think I'd have the interest.

The place was packed, and after waching a decent enough suspension show, the mood in the room made me  want to tie someone up. I'd mentioned to a few friends that I wasn't looking, but "if you dump a sub in my lap, I'll take him". I'd been talking to this guy for a few minutes (I'll call him EG for now), in what felt almost like an interview (me getting interviewed). But when I heard he had a "thing" with this other dominant woman I know, I figured he was out of my reach. I mentioned this, laughingly, to a friend as we were all standing together, and he denied being "taken" in such a way. He was nobody's property, he assured me.

So I asked if that ment he was offering himself up to me, and he confirmed that it was. I found him slightly intimidating, as he gave off this west-side, privately schooled, posh, know-it-all vibe. And I knew he was a switch, so I thought he might be more difficult to get to submit than the subs I've played with in the past. All in all, I was far from confident.

I went ahead and did it anyway. I tied him up, touched and scrached and tickled him. Bit and licked his neck and chest. Held him, and mandhandled him and pushed him out of balance. The way I often play with someone new. His responses were wonderful, but I had real trouble letting go. I felt clumsy, out of practice. My ropes got tangled, my knots didn't do what I wanted them to, I felt stupid and embarassed over this sub-par performance. Yet he was graceful, complementing me when we were done and ignoring my complaints that I knew I could do better. He also said he'd like to play with me again. So maybe I wasn't as bad as I felt I was.

We talked for a while, but the club was closing so I offered to drive him home to get a chance to talk some more. Once we got back to his place, he invited me in. And then we talked some more. I was getting very tired and had the most aweful head ache, so he offered to let me sleep over. I accepted, hoping my impression of him as a good guy would hold the entire night.

It did. He didn't attempt anything, even though we shared a 120cm wide bed. He was a gracious host. He was kind. And he's left me wondering. I'd sure like to play with him again, but I have real problems getting a handle on him. Probably it's because I don't feel superior to him, like I have my other subs. On the contrary, he makes me feel inferior. I'm younger (he's 38), and I've got much less experince than him in the real world. And even though I've been a part of the BDSM scene for years, whilst he joined in May, I don't feel as that counts for anything either. He's good at playing up his strong sides, making light of his weak sides, and I'm not.

It doesn't feel like I can manipulate this guy, I don't feel like I have any kind of edge..  So if I can hold on to my ideal of being his equal then I'll be thrilled, and don't wish to see myself as his inferior. My problem right now is that I haven't seen any weaknesses in him. And since I'm SO aware of my own, that means I can't really take him seriously as a human being just yet. So far, I've just seen the facade, the mask that he presents to the world. He's a bit too smooth, a bit too good at everything, for me to buy into him just yet.

So we'll see what happens. We'll probably play another time or two. But if he doesn't open up to me, if he doesn't let me get beneath that mask, then it probably won't get any further. At least that's my thoughts at the moment.

A slight addendum:  It WAS fun to play again. Even being out of practice as I was, even playing with someone new that I didn't have a pre-established rapport with, just getting a taste of what BDSM could be... And it was awesome! An hour after we'd finished, and I still felt high as a kite. I'd truly forgotten how much of a head trip BDSM could be, how breath taking and glorous and all out great it could be. And if this is how it felt like when I felt out of form and insecure... I can't even imagine what it COULD be!

Six months of hiatus...

Not long after my previous blog entry, I edited my profile on Fetlife and added the following message:
"Note: I'm having a temporary hiatus from Fetlife and all things kink. Hopefully, I'll be back in not too long."

And from December 2012 (or really, kind of, October 2012) until now, this was true. At first, I was too depressed to care. No interest for anything, especially no interest in things that required me to give anything of myself. And that's what I do in BDSM, particularly when I'm on Top: I give of my energy and time and mental/emotional resources. As it was, I didn't have enough of those to make everyday life work, so obviously kink was not a priority.

As I started working my way out of the depression, as spring arrived and started warming into summer, I also developped a different relationship. A vanilla relationship. I've mentioned War previously, as this guy I've been flirting with. We started fooling around, casually and infrequently, in September 2011. By November 2012 it became something a bit more, and I think I used him to replace Tight, though the whole vanilla thing was really weird.

Since then, we've taken things further sexually and seen eachother a lot more frequently. I didn't think I'd handle the vanilla, that I'd grow tired of him. But apparently, this was just what I needed: Cuddling, attention and no expectations. No pressure to give anything, and no blaim if I didn't have the energy to perform. In other words, it's been a lot easier having a lover than a submissive, as the sub/dom relationship is a more needy and demanding one.

My body was also able to adjust to the lack of BDSM, which was surprising and made me somewhat relieved. I CAN get turned on without BDSM. It takes more work, more technique maybe, and doesn't turn me on as strongly as BDSM does. But it does work. It took a few months of fooling around to get my subconcious mind wrapped around the idea, but then something suddenly went "click" in my head. And now he can get me almost as soaking wet as a BDSM session can.

I've tried bringing War to our local BDSM club a couple of times, but he can't really handle it. He freezes up when he sees people engaged in play, he's stressed by his surroundings, he doesn't feel comfortable and he's lousy at small-talk when he's stressed out. In the end, it's simply not his kink, and I shouldn't try to force him into it. However, having a lover who's not in the BDSM scene also means that he doesn't really know how to deal with those sides of me that are into BDSM. We've experimentet a bit, but like I said.. It's just not his kink. It will be interesting to see how this developpes once I get back into the BDSM scene again.