Friday, February 17, 2012

A few bondage and CBT pictures

All pictures are copyright Sexyblue. I'm aware that I can't really do anything to stop you spreading them... Therefore, please link back to this blog and re-state the copyright if you show these pictures to anyone else.
Thank you. 

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Suspesion, CBT and the Norwegian BDSM Conferance

Hmmm. I was in a pretty dark place when I wrote that previous blog entry... I'm not saying I wasn't telling the truth. I was, absolutely. But I might be somewhat more balanced positive/negative in my daily life. The negative side isn't ALWAYS winning.

I haven't been blogging much lately, so I have so catching up to do. It's not just over a month since I seriously started playing with Tight, and we've come quite a long way since we started out. Compared with my previous toy, Tight's progression is faster. I think that's partially because he's got more experience to begin with, and is more confident and sure of his own limits, and partially because I've grown in the last couple of years and gotten more experience and confidence as well.

Compared to my previous two toys, Corvus and Mondage, I feel much more sure of myself this time around. I feel more certain that I know what I'm doing (most of the time), I have more practical skills, more experience to draw on and more of an idea of where I want our relationship to go. I'm also much more clearly dominant this time around. With Mondage, it was bondage and some sadism, with only hints of dominance. With Corvus, my dominant side really developped. With Tight, it's really a combination of dominantion and all the rest, dominance being a clear and important part of our play.

About two weeks ago, I did my first ever proper suspension. I have tried it once before, with Corvus, but it was fairly unsafe and improvised, with bad ropes, bad anchor point and really not something I would recomend to anyone else. This time, with Tight, we used proper ropes, a good anchor point and a suspension ring to hang the rigging from. That's better.

Even though I've wached suspension done, and really studied it carefully, many times, it REALLY wasn't easy. First of all, when these big dominant guys are doing it, you don't realise how heavy a human body can be. Simply moving the body suspended, adjusting something, fixing the angle etc... It's heavy! I even ended up bruising my hands, but that was at least partially because I had the wrong technique when I first started out. I also realised that all this fancy japansese bondage you see people do.... If you don't know how to do it exactly right, it shouldn't be used for suspension, because it can get really unsafe really quickly. I tried, and my sub got some bad bruisings as a reward. On our second attempt, I just improvised, doing what I thought would work.... And it worked!

Once he was up there, pretty comfortable and swinging freely, I felt really proud. However, it will take a lot of practice before I can play while tying someone like that, or play with them as they are hanging up there... For now, simply doing the bondage in a way that is safe and comfortable, is tricky enough. I would love to try it again, though, and get some more practice done. Unfortunately, there's no anchor point in my appartement that I would trust enough for this kind of use, so for now my only option is at the BDSM club here in Oslo.

Tight has some fairly interesting bondage gear: A sleep sack and two straight jackets. All these three have been used during our play. I love the sleep sack, because I can make him so incredibly stuck, so quickly. It's comfortable enough that he can sleep in it, but tight enough that there's no way he'll be able to get out on his own. It has two zippers over the crotch area (one in the back, one in the front), which comes in very handy. My only issue with it, and the straight jackets for that matter, is that I loose access to the rest of his body when he's in them. I like to be able to feel his skin.

This month's main focus has been communication and building trust. Like I've said in previous entries, he's hesitant and a bit shy. He doesn't trust immediately and has trouble relaxing and just giving in to me. Bceause he wasn't feeling completely comfortable, I actually wasn't able to make him come the first two or three weeks we played.However, after a week of abstinence on his part I finally made it happen. It hasn't been easy after that either, but it's getting better. With no abstinence, I was still able to make him come this weekend.

Male ejaculation isn't really important to me, but when he struggled so much with it, I became very interested all of a sudden. Whatever he finds difficult or embarassing or tricky... That typically intrigues me more. For example, I made him wear high heels the other day, and he walked like a drunken goose on stilts. It was hilarious! I'll probably make him do it again, simply because it humiliates him. Besides, like all the men I get to know these days, he's got a fetish for crossdressing. He needs to learn how to walk on heels, if only for crossdressing purposes.

In our exploration of CBT, which is a new area for me as well, Tight has bought a humbler. We've used it twice so far, and I know he likes it a lot. I'm not wholely convinced, though. It seems to inflexible (tricky to change positions and such) and too much as though it's outside of my control. He could easily harm himself if the humbler got twisted around or stuck in something, for example.

For CBT, and especially ball-stretching purposes, I much perfer rope bondage. I know Tight loves that as well. Whenever I start to wrap ropes around his cock or balls, he instantly gets turned on. I've done this is semi-public a couple of times, to great effect. *grin* I started off with my regular 5mm linnen hemp rope, but I found it to be too thick for this kind of bondage. Tight got a hold of a thinner (3mm or 4mm I think) syntetic rope which we use instead. It's not as comfortable against the skin, but it enables me to do much more before I run out of space to work. I've also tried using flat shoelaces on his cock and balls, which also worked fairly well, though I don't like the stretchiness of the laces. It makes my knots more tricky to open, and I have a feeling it's less safe in the long run, because the tightness doesn't always stay the way I tied it.

As for CBT in general, I still feel like a novice in this area. I've read a couple of guides online and checked out a few wiki articles, and I have a fairly decent understanding of anathomy to begin with... But I've never seen it done (other than in porn) on anyone else, nor have I talked to anyone with much experience in the field. I've been experimenting a bit on my own, but I still feel far from certain about this stuff.

The first weekend of March, there'll be a BDSM conferance in Norway. This year, it takes place in Trondheim. I didn't get to participate last year, but this year it'll all worked out and I will be going. I'm very much looking forward to this. I haven't seen much of the BDSM scene in Trondheim since I moved away from there almost two years ago. I know there will be BDSM people from all over the country, and I'm ofcourse looking forward to seeing them as well. This year's subject is close to my heart: Safer BDSM. This will involve a discussion about consent, as well as several workshops.

After the conferance, there'll be a BDSM/fetish party called Baroque. Normally, I wouldn't be interested in a party with that much of a fetish focus, but Tight will be going to Trondheim for the conferance as well and I want to take him to the party. Partially to show off my new sub, and partially to play with him and have fun in a new venue.

So yeah, this was a long and somewhat rambling blog entry about all the fun stuff going on with my new sub. Hopefully, I'll be able to write some more later this week. I still feel there's loads I haven't talked about. His various sub spaces, for example. Or my new experiences with top drop. Oh well, next time.

Monday, February 6, 2012

You don't desire me, you just desire what I can do for you

Edit: What I write in this blog entry is not news. I do not have any sort of crisis at the moment, nor do I now (more than at any other time) need support. And so do not be alarmed. I'm not hurting myself or being particulary depressed or any such thing. This is my life, always.

I found a blog entry that really made me think, and here's my second blog entry inspired by that very same text. (Click here to read the whole text It's Lab Coats & Lingerie, a blog worth following.) The entry is really about consent, but there was one part in there that made me think about something else: Confidence and being desired by somebody. I've touched on this subject a few times before, like here. However, I haven't specifically talked about my body.
"When he didn’t reach out to touch me, never looked for the places he could slide his fingertips and make me moan like I had looked for his, I didn’t know any conclusion to draw except that he didn’t want me. That he tolerated my attention because he was getting off on it, but felt no desire to reciprocate. And why would he? I already had a lifetime of social conditioning telling me my body could not be sexy; this was just more evidence." -labcoatlingerie
And this is true for me. I have quite a lot of confidence in my abilities, my skills and my mental capacities. But I have very little confidence about my physical appearance. It's easy for me to find excuses or explanations as to why someone might seem to desire me, when my body is nothing worthy of desire.

For example, they might desire what I can give them (my skills as a dom, for example), and we willing to live with my body as long as I fulfil that desire. Or they might have very limited exposure to women (meaning they are ignorant), or have no other women interested in them (meaning they are desperate), as thus "making due" with what I have to offer. Or they might be following a social norm, which is to speak against anyone who claims they are undesireable, thus telling a "white lie". (Any positive comments on my appearance that I might get as a response to this blog entry,  would slot right into this cathegory. Ofcourse, any lack of comments, or negative comments, would only prove my standpoint. And so we are at an inpasse. A "catch 22", as they say.)

I have a wonderful fiancé, T. We've been together for six and a half years. And yet I don't FULLY belive that he desires my body, that he appreciates the way I look. I believe that I might not actively dislike my looks, and that my face might be somewhat appealing to him, he's managed to convince me of that much (though it sure took a while), but that doesn't mean that he desires me. That he finds me sexy, that I turn him on. (Also, I might on bad days convince myself that some of the excuses made above appeals to him, thus rendering his compliments invalid or of lesser value.) And he's the person I've known the logest, the person I trust the most. Compared to that, how will any new acquaintance stand any chance at all?

And so we come to the new acquaintance: Tight. He's wonderful, truly. We've been seeing eachother about twice a week, playing every time. Sometimes, it's just a bit of light teasing in public, or a quick-and-dirty session in the privat room of the club. But mostly, we've had sessions that last for hours, often several of them in one night. Twice, he's spent most of a day and a whole night here at our place, while T's been out of the house. He's of the reserved type, a bit shy and hesitant to take initative. And this leads us to another quote from the Labcoats' blog:
"But I’m still afraid, always, that no matter how much a lover likes me as a person they’re only putting up with my body. That no assertive touch means no desire. That asking for what I want is imposing. It makes it hard to find confidence when I want to dominate" - labcoatlingerie 
And this is it, exactly. Tight is afraid of imposing, afraid of going to far and afraid of being told off. And so he hesitates. He's gotten used to having a hand placed on my arm or leg, because I keep placing his hands there, but going as far as stroking my arm? That's rare. And let's just forget touching me anywhere else. Even after last weekend, when he saw me nude and we slept in the same bed: Still, he might place a hand on me, but not stroke or pet me.

And I can understand his reluctantness to some extent: I "belong" to another man (as far as I belong to anyone other than myself), and on top of that he's feeling uncertain of what my limits are. This is all fine and good, and I appreciate the respectful attitude. However, I have taken his hand and placed it several places on my body (which was, concidering the above quote and my explanations further up, a damn hard thing to do). I have asked him to touch me on several occations (no easier, I'm telling you). I have explisitly given him permission to touch me. We have talked about limits (and where mine are) repeatedly. And yet he hesitates.

What am I to make of that? What other conclusion may I draw, other than that he doesn't enjoy touching me. He doesn't like how I look or feel. He desires that I touch him, and do unto him all the terrible and wonderful things that he craves, but can't stand the tought of touching me other than when he's specifically instructed to do so. And even then, he makes the contact brief. What other conclusion is there to be drawn?

After having showered with him last night, again without him showing much initiative, I asked him this very question. He was suprised and confused, and again reassured me that he was only shy. That he didn't want to impose. I told him that such an explanation might be enough for a while, but not after I have repeatedly given him permission to touch me. It just doesn't add up. After that talk, he became more attentive and willing to touch me. I worry that it might just be a phase, brought on by my "rebukes", and that it will fade in time. I hope I'm wrong.

He claimes to find me attractive and sexy, a claim I can brush of even easier than the claims others make, as he's terrible at giving compliments. They are few, far between usually worded in such a way that they will appear just the opposite if I look at them sideways.  Most importantly, I think, is his shyness (or lack of desire for me?) means that he speaks very little. He mostly only answers when spoken to, and rarely voluntaires any information on his own. This has gotten better over the last few weeks, and I think it has to do with trust and him feeling at ease in my presence. He's more talkative now than he used to be. Still, I have to keep fishing to find out what goes on in his mind. He's rarely, unsolicited, said anything nice about my body. (He sais he's glad we started playing and that he's pleased with what I do to him and that I'm pleasant to be around, but that's not the same thing at all.)

In good moments, I believe (or at least try to belive) that some people might find me attractive, or sexy even. But those moments are rare and far between. The majority of the time, I keep battling myself, and feeling slightly skitzophrenic about it: One part of me wants to believe people, wants to accept what people say to me as the truth, and doesn't want to interpret every silence or turn of phrase as something negative. That part is willing to accept that some people might find me attractive, that in the right outfit I can be sexy. And yet, most of the time this side of me is loosing. I rarely get compliments from strangers, certainly never on any part of my body or appearance. I never get flirted with by men I meet outside, no one ever tries to pick me up unless they know I can provide a service (dominance) that they can't get easily anywhere else.

The other part of me knows that I'm undesirable, ugly, fat, pale, flappy and unsexy. It knows that no person in their right mind would look at me and like what they see, though they might be willing to stand it if they knew there was something in it for them. It knows that no one would get turned on by me (as in: how I look. Not what I do.). And that because I'm fat and ugly, it's impossible to find clothing that looks good on me (or even fits properly), so I can't even dress down the worst parts and thus make my situation better. Most of the time, this side is winning, and the other side is just a voice I hear in the back of my head. It tries to protest against my negative thoughts, but mostly it gets ignored or overrun.

That negative side of me thinks it's a miracle that anyone want to hang out with me at all, let alone make out with me or have a relationship with me. And because these facts are so unbelievable, this side searches for explanations (and in some cases, my positive side claims, the negative side doesn't search, it makes them up) to make sense of these unbelievable observations. As it can't be the way I look, it must be something else. And so we are back at the beginning of this blog entry, and I've come full circle.

Confidence = Dominance?

I found another blog entry that really made me think. Click here to read the whole text It's Lab Coats & Lingerie, a blog worth checking out.
"Accepting exchanged power, without ever feeling in control, is not dominating." 
Is that true? To some extent, I believe it is. If you don't feel in control, and yet you are attempting to control another person, you are not dominating. You are acting. The other person might not know that you are, if you are good, but that doesn't make it dominance. It's just make-belief.

Yet I believe that you CAN feel in control, and be dominating, without feeling confident about everything. For example, I'm generally quite confident in my skills as a dominant. I believe I'm fairly good at reading the people I play with, I'm fairly confident with light bondage etc. But that doesn't mean I'm confident in every respect, all the time. To say that doms might never feel uncertain, would be to claim that we aren't human.

You could admit to being afraid or worried or nervous, but if you want your sub to let go and go into "sub mode", I don't think you could make such admittances during play. Beforehand or after, sure, but not during. And so we act as though we are in supreme control, super-confident about everything. But sometimes, we might think "shit! what just happened?!?" (like when Tight seemed to have fainted on me while we were playing), or "omg, I really hope this works!" (like when Mondage had a big, vibrating egg up his ass and we had real trouble getting it back out). But we try our best not to show it to the sub, because indicating that we are uncertain or not as in control as they think we are, means they can't let themselves go as much. After all, the joy of being a sub is the joy of knowing that someone else is taking responsibility for some parts of you for a while. It means the sub can let go, and just enjoy the ride. And if he feels that he can't trust you to manage the situation you're putting him in, he can't let go as much or as easily.

That's what position of authority, no matter if it's in BDSM or in the work place, is based on: You act supremely confident and never let your subordinates think otherwise. It's about trust. If you aren't confident, your subordinates won't trust you to do the job. Ofcourse, the difference between a work place and a BDSM relationship, is that in BDSM that position of authority disappears/is lessened when you aren't playing. This means that doms should be able to talk things through with their subs afterwards, to exchange experiences and show their more fragile and uncertain sides.

Does anyone else have any thoughts on this subject? Can uncertain, nervous, worried people still be doms? Can you feel less than 100% in control and still dominate? I'd appreciate other people's input. :)