Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Musings on responsibility and power

Pretty close to a year ago, I wrote this blog entry. Now, almost exactly a year later, I could have written that same entry again, or something close to it. Corvus struggles with the decision I made to no longer play seriously with him. And because I know he's struggling, and there's very little I can do to help him, I struggle too. I'm sad and moody, because I care so much for him. I want him to be ok, want him to be happy, and right now it's kind of my fault that he isn't. That pains me.

When is it ok for me to say: No, I don't want to do this. Not to you, and not to us. No, I don't think it's safe, no I don't dare to take on this responsibility anymore. A sub always has a safeword. When can I use mine, and not be called a coward?

Because as a dom, I'm given a huge amount of responsibility for the other party. I know they are, deep down, still responsible for themself, but this game we play with power pushes that responsibility down and hides it from view. It's still there as a safety mechanism. I don't think any sub in a healthy relationship would jump off a cliff if the dom told him to. But the sub would do SO many things, that might or might not be harmful or problematic, if given the command at the right time when he's in the right mindset. And a dom can get the sub into almost any mindset she wants. It's scary, that responsibility. That power.

Usually, I'm a big fan of power. It turns me on, even. But when I'm no longer sure if what I'm doing is right and good, when I don't know what consequences my actions could have... Then that responsibility, that power, scares me. And not in a good way. That's part of the reason why I've said no. I couldn't articulate this before, even to myself, but writing about it has helped. Writing usually helps.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Three BDSM sessions in one night

What a night! Tight and I have been playing as often as we've been able. Which so far has meant twice per week. After the hugely attended munch a couple of weeks ago, he came here to visit me the following Friday. Then there was another munch this week, in which we also played. And then there was tonight. And what a night! Nothing we've done previously can compare to this evening.

To me, BDSM is about a combination of three things: Humiliation, pain and pleasure. These three may ofcourse be achieved in various ways, one of my favorite methods being bondage. But bondage in itself I view only as a tool, a means to an end, not the end itself. Tonight, we had three sessions, one session for each main "theme" if you like.

The first one was about humiliation. This is a topic we've just started to explore. I can't push him very far yet, but I AM pushing him. He's already doing things he never thought he would (like being naked in front of people at the BDSM club). During this session, I gave him his birthday gift: A collar. To me, collars are intensely personal, and it's a strong symbol. It means I'm no longer "concidering" him. He's mine now. We have still to determine exactly what that means, as it's still very much an evolving relation.. But there is no doubt in either of us that he is my sub now, and that's how we want it to be.

The second one was about pain. Also a fairly new thing for him. Like I mentioned perviously: He can't handle much pain and is obviously not familiar with how to deal with it. He's gotten much better in just the last couple of weeks, and this time I gave him an good old-fashioned spanking. Warmed him up first, using my hand and a suede leather flogger. Then switched to a wooden paddle and a riding crop. He got fairly sore, but he's a long way from any serious bruising. With anyone else, I'd call it a fairly light spanking. With him, it was really impressive how much he could handle. He ushed himself beyond what he's done before, and I'm very proud of him.

He fell into subspace from the pain, which is a good thing... The scary thing was it happened so quickly, I wonder if he might have blacked out for a second. His body just dropped, couldn't support himself, he grew pale and his breathing shallow. He quickned somewhat shortly thereafter, and I untied him, got him on the floor and let him stay in subspace until he surfaced on his own. He was ok and had no recollection of the event that I just described... And so I'm still not sure what to make of it.

The third session was supposed to be about pleasure... However, I discovered when I was touching his dick and balls that he is actually turned on by pain down there. The guy who can't handle pain anywhere else is actually turned on when I squeeze and pinch his dick and balls..! Fascinating! He still doesn't get hard, but claims it's a mental block because we don't know eachother that well yet and he's still not relaxed enough in my presence. I don't really mind, I don't have much use for his dick anyway. It's clear from his reactions that he's getting horney, so I take it I'm doing something right, even if he doesn't get hard.

I've wanted to explore CBT (cock and ball torture) before, but never had a victim that I trusted/was close enough to AND who actually enjoyed it and wanted it. Sure, I've threated and used a bit of nails and teeth, but it's not the same with someone actually enjoying it. To my surprise (not sure why I was surprised though) I got really, really turned on by it. Once I think about it, it's fairly logical. It combines three things I like and that turns me on: Power. Taboo/breaking a social norm (which is why for example face slapping turns me on so much). And pain. I love hurting people who want me to hurt them, I really do. That in itself is a huge turn on. The others are just enhancers. (Yeah, I know... I'm a freak.)

I hadn't expected these first couple of weeks to bring me anything I hadn't tried before. I thought it would be mostly getting him up to my level, in terms of what he dares to try and is able to handle. I was obviously wrong: CBT is new to me. Once the session finished, we were both grinning from ear to ear and loudly agreed we HAD to try this again. He didn't really know this was such a huge turn on for him, and I didn't know it would be such a big turn on for me. We both discovered something new, and now that we've had a taste,  we both want more of the same.

Forgotten to log

I forgot to tell this blog that me and T had sex at the 1st of January, on a mini-cruise to Kiel. I don't think I've ever had sex on a boat before.

Also, Corvus has been here a couple of times these last few weeks. He's doing terrible, which isn't really news anymore, as he's mostly always doing pretty badly. The news is that he's finally agreed that seeing someone professional about it (a psycologist or something) is a good idea. Hoping he'll follow through on that, and not just sink into oblivion again.

I told him that even though I love playing with him, he's simply too sick these days. I get very little from doing it, as I never know what kind of mood he'll be in next time or even have any idea when "next time" will be. He's often not answering his phone and just going under ground. Also, it's difficult for me to switch between the dom role and the role of mental health care taker. It's difficult and frustrating to try to keep a BDSM thing going when he's in such a state, and when there's no sense of continuity. This was basically just stating, in clear words, what has been the case for months and months. Sure, he's had ups and downs, but in total he's been going downwards for over a year. (I worry it's my fault, at least partially, but everyone around me keeps telling me it's not.)

Ofcourse I worry about him now. Worry how he's taking this. I still want to be his friend. To cuddle and pet him and support him through what is bound to be a difficult time ahead. I want to be there for him. I want to hold him and hug him and give him advice and generally be everything that I possibly can be. Because I care so much for him, that hasn't changed. I'm just not sure if he's able to see it that way. I worry he's going to get even more depressed now, and this time it WILL be my fault.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

A huge munch and a great play session, boding well for the future

This night has just been fantastic. There was a munch at my local BDSM club tonight, and there was a pre-munch meeting with a youth BDSM group. In the pre-munch meeting we were 25-30 people, which is a record for that group. Very, very good attendance. And at the munch we were over 80 people! Usually, we say it's a very well attended munch if there's 40... So yeah, great to see so many new people comming to our BDSM club at the start of 2012. It bodes well for this year, I think.

If that had been it, I would still have called it a great night. If only for the amount of people and the exhitement and athmosphere. That's far from all though.

I played with a guy today for the first time. I'm naming him Tight, because that's how he likes it. Nice and tight and snug, with as little room to wriggle as possible. He's also a relatively small man, with a lot of fun in a tight little body. He's a bondage fetishist, with a couple of other fetishes thrown in. He's a submissive, with very little experience when it comes to pain. We were thrown together by a friend of ours at a BDSM christmas party a couple of weeks ago, but Tight had to leave early. What little we had time for was fun boded well (hmm... a lot of "boding" tonight... ) for future play, so we agreed to meet again at the munch tonight.

Due to the stuff I wrote about earlier this winter I was very keen on actually getting some real playing done. I was looking so much forward to this munch, I had started to worry that I might have been putting to much into this, and T was trying to cool me down. Telling me he might not even show, that he might be too busy, that we might not match as well as I think etc. Didn't help much though. I KNOW all these things, but I so, so, SO wanted to play with someone again.

He came to the munch, he had time and we did match as well as I thought. At least that's the verdict so far. You can't say anything for sure after one session, but I think this (yes, here it comes again) bodes well. He's the kind of guy who likes to take things slow, so this is not "my new sub" or anything like that. Not yet, anyhow. We have, however, agreed that this evening was great, and that we want to do it again sometime soon.

What makes him different from most of the others I've played with these past months is... Well, first of all it's how we communicate. He's not the most extrovert person, so he doesn't say much that I don't specifically ask for.. However, his body language speaks tons. Tonight, I felt as though I could read him like an open book. That spark, that connection that I was missing when I wrote Cravings, I felt that it was present. At least to some extent.

Secondly, he comes with very few catches. Very few hooks attached. At least that I've found so far. He's not in a demanding relationship, he's not living far away, he's not looking to start dating me.. Though yes, like most of the previous people I've had any sort of association with, he's a practical sort of guy, a handy-man and not an academic. Though as opposed to those other people, he's not politically in stark opposition with me, which is a good thing. He also seems less depressed/mentally troubled than the other people I've played seriously with. He's craving BDSM, but he's not one of the desperate, needy subs. Not a worm, though I'm not sure I'd call him a lion either.

Another very interesting aspect of tonight was my reactions to all of this. When I'm playing "casually", and my head's not in the game, I don't react physically to what I'm doing. I don't get turned on. And even when I'm in the other play mode, where I'm trying to take it more serious, I still need a true connection to make it work. With people I've played with this fall, like Larpy and Mouse, or even Winnie, I've tried to have a serious session.. An it's nice enough, but there's no connection, no spark. And thus I don't REALLY get turned on by it either. Sure, I react to seeing a guy obviously please by what I do, but it's not quite the same.

When I hear Covus moan in pain, or pleasure and pain combined, I get really turned on. It's become an almost instant reaction (and a too rare one, these days). Fascinatingly, my reactions to Tight were in the same ballpark. Not as strong or as instant, but I wouldn't expect that for a first session. But simply the fact that I AM turned on by playing with him, is a really good sign (see what I did there? No boding :P ). Now, this MIGHT just be because it's been quite some time since I did something like this, and I was getting desperate... I don't know.

I didn't do anything with him that was "out of the ordinary" tonight. He had brought a straight jacket, so I put it on him, tied his feet together, and then sat tickling his nose with the end of a rope while he was trying to answer my fairly serious questions. That was all innocent fun, and a nice bit of "foreplay". We then went to a somewhat more secluded spot, where I tied him up. Ancles, thighs, chest, upper arms, lower arms and wrists were all tied to the wall. Then I just petted, tickled, stroked, pinched and scratched him. Like I usually do the first time I play with someone, my goal was to judge his reactions and body language. I also hit him a bit, both with a soft flogger and with a wooden paddle. He doesn't handle pain well, but I think it's mostly from lack of practice.

His reactions were special, and that made this extra fun. I actually managed to drive him into sub-space, or at least that's what I think it was. I don't think I've ever had anyone go in there, certainly not so easily. It was fun, and it gave me a real confidence boost, as I suppose that means I'm doing something right.

I'm really looking forward to playing with him again. I'll keep you posted. :)

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Some blog statistics

In total, since I started this blog in May 2009, the blog has been viewed 3 706 times. This past month, I've had a staggering 491 views.

The top 10 sites viewed most often (in all time) are these:
1. Spontantious sex, planned bondage, 186 times
2. BDSM weekend, 162 times
3. Answer to Maymay: On being bondage furniture, 159 times
4. Humiliation and chastity, 44 times
5. Cravings, 31 times
6. A recomendation, 28 times
7. Another toy on trial, 18
8. Dominant women: Where are they?,16 times
9. Unable to express myself (that's a first!), 14 times
10. Philosophical musing: Breaking and self-harm, 13 times

Notice that marked drop in views after the first three. What does this tell me? First of all, that the words I use in my titles are really, really important. "BDSM weekend" is in fact one of the top things people Google that leads them to me. Secondly, this teaches me that linking to other bloggers helps (like in number 3, 6 and 8 up there), and refering to them in the title helps even more. Especially when the blogger is very well known.

Another thing I notice is that a suprising number of posts from 2011 (even late 2011) are on that top 10 list. Now I've made A LOT of posts since May 2009. Seeing such latecommers up on that list means either that  2011 has brought me more followers or that I'm becomming more interesting and that gives me more hits somehow. Maybe it's both for all I know.

As for which refering websites generate traffic to my site, these are the most prominent ones. Not many suprises there, I must admit. :) Appart from various Google sites (.com, .no, .co.uk and strangely .de), these ones were on top:
www.tarvalon.net
maybemaimed.com
denyingthumper.com
I'm pretty sure I've planted the link to my site at all of these locations, usually by leaving a comment on something and refering back to my site. I was rarely trying to get more traffic to my blog, though. I was usually just commenting on something or refering to the blog to avoid re-posting stuff on several sites. Still, it's nice to see more people stopping by here. :)

As for where in the world people are comming from, Norway is first and the USA is on second place. No suprise there, seeing as most of my refering sites are blogs written by Americans and I'm Norwegian. Still, there were some suprises further down the list...
The top 10 countries (all time):
Norway 1 307
USA 982
Canada 531
Great Britain 273
Germany 174
Australia 46
Sweden 34
Netherlands 28
Italy 25
Switzerland 22
I mean.. Switzerland?!? If you are from Switzerland and reading this, please leave a comment and say "hi". I'd love to know you actually exists, and aren't just a search bot or something. :)

That rounds off this evenings blog statistics summary. All these numbers are taken from Bloggers own statistics tool, which is built in to their blogging system. I tried using Google Analytics, but apparently I'm not savvy enough to get it to work properly.