Saturday, December 17, 2011

Why participation in the BDSM community is so important

On UngBDSM, I recently defined why I'm a part of a BDSM organisation. Why do I go to munches and parties and such? There are three reasons:
1. Play. (Playing with people, waching others play, talking about play, finding/looking for people to play with.)
2. Helping the BDSM community grow and developp in a positive way (meaning recruiting people and helping new people fit in and feel comfortable).
3. Political. (Helping spread the word of BDSM, remove misconceptions and battle ignorance and intolerance.)
I'm not there to make friends. I have friends, and I have other ways of making friends. Ofcourse, if I do get along well with someone we might become friends, I won't refuse anyone like that. But that's not why I'm there.

I'm automatically sceptical towards people who say things like "for me, sex is a private matter, and so I don't participate in a BDSM organisation". For me, it's actually a prerequisite that a potential play partner is (or is willing to become) a part of the BDSM scene in Norway. That doesn't mean that they have to go to every event in their region, but they should at least stop by once in a while. They should be somewhat known in one group or another.

I have several reasons why I feel like this. First of all, the BDSM scene is somewhat self-regulating. People who do stuff which in no way is ok (like ignoring safewords, rudly interfering in others' play, playing while drunk etc) do get a reaction from the community. There will be rumors, people get warned about that person etc. Yes, sometimes this can be a problem, because of false rumors, drama and such, but mostly it works.
Meeting random people online isn't very safe. If you're active in a real life community, you can always ask others if they know the person you've started seeing, if they've heard any rumors etc. You might know people who've played with this person before, and even if no one knows anything in advace, at least you can get other people's opinions about the person from then on. You can observe the person in a social setting, seeing him talking to others etc. Ofcourse, this is no replacement for your own common sense, but it's an extra "safety net" which might come in handy.
Participating in a BDSM group/organisation/scene also makes you learn BDSM-ethics and etiquette. There are many norms and rules for BDSM, wether you're talking about it, practicing it or waching it. These norms are something I (usually) think of as a good thing. If I'm playing with someone, I want us to start off from the same baseline. When we talk about BDSM (and communication is damn important), I want us to use the same words and mean the same when we do. I want us to both know the same basics, like basic bondage safety, that you don't leave people during play, discression, aftercare, negotiations, safewords etc. Ofcourse, you COULD pick up this stuff online, but if you're a part of a Norwegian BDSM organisation, I know for SURE that you've had it explained to you. I don't want to be the sole person responsible for this basic BDSM education, especially with someone who claims (as people who send me messages often do) to have some experience with BDSM already.

I also think it's good for you to talk with people who share your interests, in general. Other BDSM people can give you inspiration, you may learn from them, or them from you. Talking with others about BDSM may open new posibilities, you may learn about things you hadn't previously heard of, you may developp and grow, expand your preferances etc. This is healthy and good for you. Ofcourse, there are people who are ashamed of their interest in BDSM, and because of their shame they don't want to meet others who share their interest. I think it's of particular importance, that these people meet other BDSM-interested people. They need to know that this is great and natural and nothing to be ashamed of. We are no more freaks than anyone else in society.

Another reason is this: When a person participates in the BDSM community, it also makes the community grow. More people, bigger organisations, means a more active community and (in the long run) more influence in society. Another person, now and then, makes a big difference in the long run.

So if you're interested in playing with me, you should be prepared to come to Nonna or participate in another BDSM organisation. If you're new to BDSM and the BDSM scene, I'll help and support you. I'll come with you to munches, talk with you and explain words and rules and stuff. I don't demand that you already be super-active. But when I ask you to join me at a munch, I expect you to come willingly.

If you're not interested in going to munches or parties in a BDSM organisation, I'm not interested in you. It's as easy as that.

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