Bare to the world

Sunday: Had sex with T. It's been a while, and sex is always nice. :) Was a bit of work to get me wet and ready for it, but I got ready eventually.

Tuesday: Played with LOL at the BDSM club. This is the fourth time I've played with him.
1st: Awfull and confusing. His reactions were nothing like what I had expected. Turns out he's a Top/bottom-switch, and not a Dom/sub. Very weird. Talked a lot afterwards, learned more about him and what makes him tick.
2nd: Fucking awsome. Tied to the cross and spanked. He was howling and laughing and mentally flying. I knew what made him tick, I knew what to expect. Had to leave sooner than I wanted, didn't have the time to bring him down properly. Felt a bit rushed.
3rd: Wrestled him to the floor and tied him down, then spanked him. Corvus, B and another girl helped out as there's no way I could have held him on my own. Fun, but not as great.
4th: This Tuesday. Almost up there with the 2nd time. Awsome. :) Had all the time in the world to help him back down from his "flight". Nice.

LOL is a lot of fun to play with. Such energy, such response! But I miss playing with a sub, I miss that intense mental connection between us. There's no tension between me and LOL. No desire. Just pure fun.

I miss Corvus. Not playing, nesecarily, just holding him. Talking with him. I know he's going through a rough time, and I want to help him.

I'm going through a pretty tough time myself. Stressed out, I finally went to see the doctor and got sick leave for the rest of this week. Started crying in the doctor's office, I think that's what did it..

So now I'm on a sick leave.. Though I'm still checking my work-related e-mail account and such. Even if I know I shoulddn't. Next week I have two exams myself, and I also have a whole bunsh of reports for work that should be ready by the 1st... Or by the 8th at the latest. T has been applying for jobs, which has been stressing him out, and yeah.. It's been a rough time for us all, I think.

Luckily, I have T to support me. Broke down pretty badly last night, couldn't stop crying. Just felt empty, flat, grey inside. Like all i felt and though was static, like a TV with no reception. And yet I couldn't stop crying. It felt completely surreal and very illogical. This whole week, I've been getting weepy over nothing. Sad songs on Spotify (Cat's in the Cradle, for example), emotional stuff on Youtube or TV... Stuff that would normally never effect me on an emotional level.

Feels like I have no defenses up, no buffer between me and the world. And so everything I do, and see, and feel and think just rubs me raw and gives me blisters. Luckily, I have T here. He can blow on my methaphorical bumps and bruises, hug me and tell me everything will be ok. I have trouble believing him, but it helps to hear it none the same.