Thursday, May 26, 2011

Bare to the world

Sunday: Had sex with T. It's been a while, and sex is always nice. :) Was a bit of work to get me wet and ready for it, but I got ready eventually.

Tuesday: Played with LOL at the BDSM club. This is the fourth time I've played with him.
1st: Awfull and confusing. His reactions were nothing like what I had expected. Turns out he's a Top/bottom-switch, and not a Dom/sub. Very weird. Talked a lot afterwards, learned more about him and what makes him tick.
2nd: Fucking awsome. Tied to the cross and spanked. He was howling and laughing and mentally flying. I knew what made him tick, I knew what to expect. Had to leave sooner than I wanted, didn't have the time to bring him down properly. Felt a bit rushed.
3rd: Wrestled him to the floor and tied him down, then spanked him. Corvus, B and another girl helped out as there's no way I could have held him on my own. Fun, but not as great.
4th: This Tuesday. Almost up there with the 2nd time. Awsome. :) Had all the time in the world to help him back down from his "flight". Nice.

LOL is a lot of fun to play with. Such energy, such response! But I miss playing with a sub, I miss that intense mental connection between us. There's no tension between me and LOL. No desire. Just pure fun.

I miss Corvus. Not playing, nesecarily, just holding him. Talking with him. I know he's going through a rough time, and I want to help him.

I'm going through a pretty tough time myself. Stressed out, I finally went to see the doctor and got sick leave for the rest of this week. Started crying in the doctor's office, I think that's what did it..

So now I'm on a sick leave.. Though I'm still checking my work-related e-mail account and such. Even if I know I shoulddn't. Next week I have two exams myself, and I also have a whole bunsh of reports for work that should be ready by the 1st... Or by the 8th at the latest. T has been applying for jobs, which has been stressing him out, and yeah.. It's been a rough time for us all, I think.

Luckily, I have T to support me. Broke down pretty badly last night, couldn't stop crying. Just felt empty, flat, grey inside. Like all i felt and though was static, like a TV with no reception. And yet I couldn't stop crying. It felt completely surreal and very illogical. This whole week, I've been getting weepy over nothing. Sad songs on Spotify (Cat's in the Cradle, for example), emotional stuff on Youtube or TV... Stuff that would normally never effect me on an emotional level.

Feels like I have no defenses up, no buffer between me and the world. And so everything I do, and see, and feel and think just rubs me raw and gives me blisters. Luckily, I have T here. He can blow on my methaphorical bumps and bruises, hug me and tell me everything will be ok. I have trouble believing him, but it helps to hear it none the same.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Chastity: My side of the story

This is about chastity. What I think about it and it what it does to me.

Where it all came from
I'd been following the blog Denying Thumper for a while. Can't remember how I stumbled upon it, but opposed to many other BDSM/sex blogs I've actually kept following this one. Thumper is personal, yet not too personal. He's detailed, knowledable and he updates frequently. I like his topics and way of writing.

When I started out, I had only a vague idea what male chastety was all about. I wasn't particuallary attracted to it, and was fairly new as a Dominant. It seemed a bit scary. As I kept reading Thumper's blog, I got increasingly fascinated. So fascinated in fact that I started wondering what it would be like to try it out in practice.

My relationship with Corvus was growing, and we were getting to know eachother better and exploring the world of BDSM together. I think I was the one who first brought of the idea of using a chastity device. I remeber him getting fascinated and turned on by the idea right from the start. Ofcourse that felt like an added incentive.

The device
We talked about it occationally, but as Corvus spiraled deeper down into depressions I didn't have much hope that we'd get to try it out anytime soon. And then, out of nowhere, he gets the idea to make a steel chastity device himself! And lo and behold, a few days later he's made it... And tried wearing it to work.

Stuff were moving pretty fast for me, and like I mentioned in a previous entry I was both a bit uncomfortable and very currious when I first saw it. A bit repulsed. The balls looked all squashed and red, and the steel tube seemed so hard and mean. As if the dick had been put in jail, and not all of it could fit. It looked so.. unnatural. Unreal, almost. Like a piece of cyborg tech, grafted onto the human body.

I did get used to it, though I might still have some ways to go. It very quickly stopped making me uncomfortable, mainly because I could see what a great effect it had on Corvus. Along with an increased dose of medication, it was helping him out of a depression crisis. I'd love anything that can do that to another person, and I didn't exactly dislike the idea of male chastity to begin with. :P

Orgasm control
He's been in the device most of the time since we started out. It's been about three weeks, I think. He got to come once, after the first week, and has been orgasmless since. After he came, he dropped fairly badly. I can't have him drop like that, and yet I refuse to let my fear of his mood swings dictate whether to let him come or not.

And this is what it does to me: It enforces the idea of property. Of ownership. He is unable to come as long as he's locked in (and as we saw this weekend, he is really unable to come despite some fairly ardous attempts). This weekend, he also liftet his "maximum one month at a time" rule, giving me FULL controll over when and how often he gets to come. Or so he claims...

My property?
If his dick is my property, then I am the one who gets to decide. Meaning that if I wanted him to have eight orgasms in three days, he would do his fucking best to oblige my desire. If I wanted him out of the device for a couple of days, he should do as he is told. And if I wanted him to go for half a year or so without comming, he's accept that as well. And freakishly enough, that last idea seems much easier for him to accept than the first one. I think it's because he's had such incredibly positive experiences with the device so far, he's almost afraid to let it go. I wouldn't call it an addiction, more like an attachement he doesn't know if he can do as well without. I'm hoping this is a phase, and that he will get more willing to accept ALL my wishes and commands in the future. He is mine, it is MINE.

And it's a rush, that ownership. More than the usual sub/Dom-reationship. Since we don't have a 24/7-kind of sub/Dom-relationship, the ownership I have over him is not something reliable. He can take it away from me again, or can simply refuse to bend to my will. And that would be his right. I simply don't trust that he will always be in a submissive mood.

And sure, he could remove the device himself (for now, there will be a lock and only an emergency key awailable to him). And sure, it's all consensual and at any time he could use a codeword and end it. But the power he gives me because of the device still feels more lasting, more reliable, than general submission. This way I will always know that at least a part of him will always ("always") be under my control. Even if everything else in him rebels, as long as he doesn't use a codeword and completely break the illusion that BDSM really is, one part of him is mine. MINE! *cue evil laugh*

Being close
Another thing it does for me, which is more basic than this power-rush from ownership, is a sense of closeness: So far, I've played by the "at least one of us should at least wear underwear"-rule. Because honestly, I don't trust myself 100%. I doubt I ever would, but 0,1% of me says that if I was horney enough and we were both naked... And he was just lying there, tied down and defenceless... It would be SO tempting to fuck him, I might actually do it....Might. And since we can't do that, I would rather be safe than sorry.

But with the device, I don't have to worry. I physically CAN'T fuck him. Not that I think I would anyway, but it's always that little "but if.." in the back of my mind. It's nice not having that issue to worry about anymore. He CAN'T get properly hard, he CAN'T fuck me, he CAN'T come. And so I CAN be naked in the same bed with him. After my second orgasm of the day, I can snuggle up to him, cup his balls in my hand a wach him struggle with the pain and the pleasure. All without having that one nagging thought in my mind. I simply don't have to worry. I like that.

Crossdressing party

One of my old "protegees" from Trondheim has moved to Oslo, and on Tuesday I brought him to the BDSM club for the first time. He enjoyed it, and since I know he's a crossdresser I've been pushing him to join my little x-dress gang in the Pride Parade. (I'm not a crossdresser myself, I just seem to attract them..) However, to make him brave enough to walk down Oslo main street in plain daylight wearing women's clothes, he definitly needed practice. This was also a great opportunity to get Corvus to try on his female persona for the first time since December. She got a bit of a scare and has only recently started to resurface. Mouse is yet another crossdresser whom I'm trying to help (/push) out of his "closet".

Saturday there was a party at the BDSM club, and so I decided we should have a gathering at my place before heading out. T wasn't against the idea, and so we invited the three crossdressers as well as a handful of other friends. It turned out to be a very nice event. I combed through my closet, adding to the clothes the three guys already had, and helping them find stuff that looked good on them. I also did their makeup. All of a sudden, I'm the expert. That's really odd... As if I have such a great fashion sense or am so good at makeup! Ha!

Corvus arrived the evening before, to help me tidy the appartement and get it ready for guests. We didn't play much Friday night, because he arrived late and I was tired. On Saturday, he got up early and tidied and cleaned most of the appartement, so we actually had some time to play before the guests arrived. That was nice.

At the party, I got to play with a nice-looking woman. We've played a bit once before, at the New Years party a few months back. I haven't dared approach her after that because honestly she seems fairly inapproachable. Too confident, too sure of herself to ever be interested in me. Or so I think. Thought. She actually asked why I'd never tried to fondle or flirt with her.. And I told her, it was because I don't handle rejection well. At which point she stated fairly clearly that she wouldn't reject me. That's strong stuff! That's quite a confidence boost! She has no reason to want me or even like me, nothing to gain from it. So why would she? Perhaps she GENUINLY likes me..? A notion very difficult for me to believe, and yet I can find no other explanation for her behavior. Weird.

T and I have a new "project". I'm naming her Neighbour, because she lives closeby. She's another big girl, the way T likes them. And she's into BDSM. Unfortunately, she's a workaholic and somewhat of a restlest spirit. We never know if she will join us for events or munches, even if she says she will. Work in progress, I suppose. I don't know her well, but what I've seen has been nice. Somewhat of a nerd, reads comics and has even played some roleplaying games.

Anyhow: I've been carefully flirting with her the last couple of times I've seen her. And at the party I actually managed to kiss her. Fairly serious as kisses go, not just a peck. There was tongue involved. That was cool. T played with her later that evening, which (as I've been told) involved both a spanking and some more intimate touching. All our "work" (which is mainly T's work, to be honest, I haven't contributed much) is finally paying off. This is looking good.

Are we cynical about this? Is it wrong? I don't think it is, I think it's great fun and feels good, and therefore it is ok. But I know some people would think us not only despicable, but thoroughly weird. Oh well, that's their problem. We're having a good time and not hurting anyone, that's what matters to me.