Thursday, March 17, 2011

No follow-up

This happened well over a week ago, but I want to document my thoughts and feelings for posterity. So here goes:

I played with a new person last Tuesday. I thought it went fairly well and we talked for a while afterwards. We had some communication issues, and he was young (19) and uncertain and completely new to the scene. So ofcourse things weren't perfect. But good enough, or so I thought. I gave him my phone number and asked him to call/text me so I could get his. I also told him my nick on Fetlife and asked him to add me as a friend. He didn't remember his nick and I didn't have my phone on me at the time, so I didn't get his contact info.

I walk downstairs and head for the toilet. By the time I'm back, he's gone. I haven't heard anything from him since. And so I'm really worried that I did something wrong. Did I freak him out? Did I push him too far? Did he have some kind of bad reaction to something he experienced? Even if I didn't do anything wrong: If he isn't doing ok, and it's because of our play, then I would like to follow up on him. I feel a need to check up on people I've played with, to see that they're doing ok. I have no way of doing that now. It feels uncomfortable and makes me unsure of myself... Perhaps I DID do something wrong..?

Key holder

Corvus and I are seeing eachother about once or twice per week. And we usually don't play more than once per week, sometimes less. So obviously I'm not blogging as much as I should.I'm not bloging as much as I should these days. I'm not documenting my play sessions well enough anymore. I simply don't have time, and when I do have time I've usually forgotten what I was supposed to write. Don't see a solution to this, other than keeping a physical notebook/diary. Which I'll probably just forget anyway. Nah, I don't know. Enough complaints and excuses though.

Wednesday 16th of March, in the car before dropping me off after we'd been to a munch outside of town... Corvus gave me the second key to his collar. He gave me the first one on Saturday, so that we could have one each. Now I have both. The only way for him to get it off is to cut it off with bolt cutters. (Or to have the lock malfunction again.. It's happened once before.) The collar itself is a twisted steel wire, and the locking mechanism is inside a 2x2x0,5 inch block of steel. The block hangs at his throat, like a piece of jewelry, stopping the wire loop from separating.

I've been waiting for those keys since.... gosh... October? Something like that. Corvus has had so many ups and downs since then, and I totally understand him not wanting to give them to me until he felt ready. I'm still not convinced that he'll be completely fine with this level of control in the future, but for now he seems comfortable and content.

What does this mean to me? Several things. Commitement, first of all. He's signaling that he's got no intention of cutting me off (again) anytime soon. Secondly, I find the collar a beautiful symbol of ownership. Thind, ofcourse, is the power. Would I sound mad if I say that power turns me on? I want it, and when I have it I want more of it. That he wears an item on his body that he is UNABLE to remove without destroying it. And that I, and only I, hold the key... Oh yeah, that thought turns me on. :P

Saturday, March 5, 2011


Wednesday was bondage night at the BDSM club, and Corvus and I went there. We started out just socializing separately, and Corvus ended up assisting another guy with tying up a girl. It was obvious that he was enjoying himself, so I just left him to it.

Afterwards, we met up with a woman whom Corvus has talked with online. She's a muscle therapist or something, and thought she might be able to help Corvus walk on ballet boots. He's got a real thing for those, and wears them occationally, but his feet/legs aren't flexible and/or strong enough for him to walk in them. We placed him on massage bench (or whatever it's called in English) and she started examining him. She found a few areas she'd like to continue working on at a later time, and I'm hoping this will help him reach his goal.

Corvus put on a pair of high heeled boots, and I brought him upstairs. Sitting on the couch, I proceded to tie him up and tease him. He got very turned on very quickly, which wasn't suprising as all three of his top fetishes were precent: High heels, corset and bondage. I love teasing him, making him veeeery turned on. It gives an incredible feeling of empowerment, knowing that I have full controll of him and may give or take away the pleasure as I see fit. He was given back contoll of his hands and allowed to jerk off, while I held his body down and stayed close to him. It's important for me that he is acutely aware that the pleasure he feels is comming from me. It's a gift, a priviledge I alow him. It can be taken away from him on my whim, and I want him to be aware of that.

We cleaned up, talked and cuddled for a bit and then left. We'd spent too much time, and left fairly late. Arriving at my house, we stayed in the car talking. Corvus got home really late, and ended up being deprived of sleep for the rest of the week. I feel really bad for him. I want us both to get better at time management, saying "no" and not starting play when we have little time. It's mainly my responsibility, as I'm the top, the active part. And it's difficult, because I love playing with him and don't want to stop. Still, I'll do my best to get better at this. I'd hate for him to have another week with sleep deprivation like this one.