Thursday, December 29, 2011

Cravings

I still play occationally with Corvus, but there's nothing serious. Nothing of any serious duration or depth. He can't take it, he's too fragile mentally these days. Struggling with depressions and I don't know what else. Something physical as well, I think. He keeps having periods of intense dizzyness and nausia, and sometimes he has hallucinations and gets uncertain about what's real and what's not. It scares him, and I get scared for him. I don't want to loose him, I care SO much about him.

Trying to convince him to see a doctor, and finally (this fall) made him tell his doc about the depressions and get some pills. If not for those, I'm not sure he'd still be alive. The phyical troubles are getting worse, though, and he's not doing anything about those yet. And so I worry. I care about him so much and there's no way in hell I'm giving up on him. He's a dear friend, and more than a friend in some ways, and that won't change as long as I have a say in it.

I miss it, though... I have needs, cravings, and they are surfacing. I miss the connection between the dom and the sub. The spark, the feeling of lightning under the fingertips. The sensation that you KNOW this person, know him so well that you can predict every emotion, every reaction.... Almost. And I miss the uncertainty. How far can you push him this time? Will he comply to your wishes or keep struggling against your control? How far is he willing to go into unchartered land? Does he dear to leap and trust? Or is it too soon?

I try to go to BDSM parties of various kinds. At the BDSM club or at people's homes, it doesn't make much difference. There isn't much for me to do there anyhow. All the people there are familiar by now. Either of:
  • the wrong persuation (doms)
  • the wrong gender (women)
  • the wrong age (under 17 or over 45/50-ish)
  • already taken
  • not matching my desires/needs or play styles/modes at all
Or some combination of the above. And sure, I play with women from time to time... But a bit of bondage just doesn't do it for me, it's not ENOUGH. There's no depth, no feeling, no mental connection. Besides, I'm straighter than I'd like to admit. I prefer men for most things.. :/

I've played with a couple of people at these aforementioned parties, usually people who're already taken but whom I've been allowed to borrow, and it's nice enough... But it's just that: Nice. Pleasant. No spark. No connection. No one who REALLY appeals to me. And I fear I'm appearing to desperate. I've even opened up for the positibility of finding another toy through the internet, talking about my wish to find another sub in my Fetlife profile. (Yeah, I know, pretty pathetic of me, but what is a girl to do. It's not like I'm going to start placing personal ads anywhere!)

T isn't very sympathetic. He tells me this is how it is for most people. They have to be social and plesant and sit there looking, and only occationally (very occationally) actually get any action themselves. And yes, he's probably right. But just because he's right doesn't mean that I have to accept it or even like it. Damn it, there's supposed to be a LACK of dominant women! Well, if there is, then where the fuck are all these submissive guys?!? They certainly aren't at the parties I'm frequenting, or I would have grabbed on to them by now.. :/ This is supposed to be a woman's market, and yes I might be spoiled in this manner. But damn it, being spoiled is nice and I like it. I would like it to continue, and it isn't.

And so I sit here... Home alone for the hollidays, with two BDSM parties that I'll be attending in the next three days. And yet, I'm fairly certain I will find no one to play with at either of these parties. Not because I'm picky (trust me, if I ever was picky, this "dry spell" has certainly taken care of that!), but because if there's even ONE submissive man of the appropriate age, he'll be swamped by the domiant women present. Typically, he'll already know one or two of those women and so I'll naturally be last in line. I won't fight for someone I don't even know, I'm not THAT desperate. (I still have manners, believe it or not.)

And so I sit here craving.. Missing having a sub I can really connect with, who can handle being played with. And yeah, it's all in my mind... And yeah, it's common and happens to lots of people. That doesn't make it any less bothersome, though!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Dominant women: Where are they?

It's accepted as a fact of nature that there are more submissive men than there are dominant women. I don't think that's true, or at least that the ratio isn't as skewed as people claim. There ARE dominant women out there, we just don't see them that often. And there are a lot more women who COULD be dominant, but never dare because they are expected to be perfect from the start. Dommes need to learn as well, they need to be uncertain, they need to grow and developp. And they need to be accepted for who they are, not forced into a  high-heeled dominatrix mold.

Dominant women are preassured from two different angles. One side is the side of the domiant men, the dumbinants, who want all women to be submissives. They have the support of our society, as well, so they have a lot of power. The other side is the side of the submissive men, the dumb submissive men, who are SO self-centered. Who have watched too much porn and thinks that's how dominant women are supposed to be. Who send mass-produced messages to dominant women on kink sites, where all they do is talk about themselves and their wishes. Domiant women are HUMANS, not sex-robots built for your pleasure. Porn is not reality.

Now, I'm not as angry about this as certain other bloggers out there, but I still feel they have a point (if a somewhat exagerated one). I'll leave you with a quote from one of those fairly angry bloggers, Bitch Jones, which I actually found through another female dominant blogger Dishevelled Domina:

I can’t be bothered with these things because I have a lot of subjects that need tackling. We really need to talk about strap ons and latex and why I have ten different kinds of vibrator. 
And whether there really aren’t enough dom women to go around or whether there are really lots but they are scared to come out of their houses because of all the hideousness. And so, instead they give up and compromise and they settle down instead with nice vanilla guys who don’t try and talk them into play piercing and horrible, horrible crotch high boots all the time.
Yes, we have kinks – our own kinks – we are not all encompassing kinky-womenready to enable whatever non-mainstream sexual interest you might have. And you – male subs – might actually be okay with that if there wasn’t so much desperation painted all over it all. If the second you got your claws into a slightly kinky woman you didn’t start trying to remake her kinks in your image. And you’d be able to chill a little more if there were more dom women, which there would be if only…
Do you not see? Do you not see? You have created a woman repelling space full of unreasonable expectations of female physicality, predatory sexual creepiness, penis fixation (just ’cause you’ve locked it in a plastic cage doesn’t mean you aren’t still letting your world revolve around it) and pay-for-play as an acceptable norm.
And then you are surprised – surprised! – that there are no women here. Even though you have practically built a woman repelling force field around this place. You really like sexual frustration that much, huh?
There are enough dom women. There are enough for you to have one each. But they aren’t coming down here until you tidy the place up a bit. Just a bit. Maybe start by putting the porn away. Well *some* of the porn, then.
There’s so little time. There’s so much to fix.
Come on. Come with me. We can poke the Goreans when we’re done. 

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Why participation in the BDSM community is so important

On UngBDSM, I recently defined why I'm a part of a BDSM organisation. Why do I go to munches and parties and such? There are three reasons:
1. Play. (Playing with people, waching others play, talking about play, finding/looking for people to play with.)
2. Helping the BDSM community grow and developp in a positive way (meaning recruiting people and helping new people fit in and feel comfortable).
3. Political. (Helping spread the word of BDSM, remove misconceptions and battle ignorance and intolerance.)
I'm not there to make friends. I have friends, and I have other ways of making friends. Ofcourse, if I do get along well with someone we might become friends, I won't refuse anyone like that. But that's not why I'm there.

I'm automatically sceptical towards people who say things like "for me, sex is a private matter, and so I don't participate in a BDSM organisation". For me, it's actually a prerequisite that a potential play partner is (or is willing to become) a part of the BDSM scene in Norway. That doesn't mean that they have to go to every event in their region, but they should at least stop by once in a while. They should be somewhat known in one group or another.

I have several reasons why I feel like this. First of all, the BDSM scene is somewhat self-regulating. People who do stuff which in no way is ok (like ignoring safewords, rudly interfering in others' play, playing while drunk etc) do get a reaction from the community. There will be rumors, people get warned about that person etc. Yes, sometimes this can be a problem, because of false rumors, drama and such, but mostly it works.
Meeting random people online isn't very safe. If you're active in a real life community, you can always ask others if they know the person you've started seeing, if they've heard any rumors etc. You might know people who've played with this person before, and even if no one knows anything in advace, at least you can get other people's opinions about the person from then on. You can observe the person in a social setting, seeing him talking to others etc. Ofcourse, this is no replacement for your own common sense, but it's an extra "safety net" which might come in handy.
Participating in a BDSM group/organisation/scene also makes you learn BDSM-ethics and etiquette. There are many norms and rules for BDSM, wether you're talking about it, practicing it or waching it. These norms are something I (usually) think of as a good thing. If I'm playing with someone, I want us to start off from the same baseline. When we talk about BDSM (and communication is damn important), I want us to use the same words and mean the same when we do. I want us to both know the same basics, like basic bondage safety, that you don't leave people during play, discression, aftercare, negotiations, safewords etc. Ofcourse, you COULD pick up this stuff online, but if you're a part of a Norwegian BDSM organisation, I know for SURE that you've had it explained to you. I don't want to be the sole person responsible for this basic BDSM education, especially with someone who claims (as people who send me messages often do) to have some experience with BDSM already.

I also think it's good for you to talk with people who share your interests, in general. Other BDSM people can give you inspiration, you may learn from them, or them from you. Talking with others about BDSM may open new posibilities, you may learn about things you hadn't previously heard of, you may developp and grow, expand your preferances etc. This is healthy and good for you. Ofcourse, there are people who are ashamed of their interest in BDSM, and because of their shame they don't want to meet others who share their interest. I think it's of particular importance, that these people meet other BDSM-interested people. They need to know that this is great and natural and nothing to be ashamed of. We are no more freaks than anyone else in society.

Another reason is this: When a person participates in the BDSM community, it also makes the community grow. More people, bigger organisations, means a more active community and (in the long run) more influence in society. Another person, now and then, makes a big difference in the long run.

So if you're interested in playing with me, you should be prepared to come to Nonna or participate in another BDSM organisation. If you're new to BDSM and the BDSM scene, I'll help and support you. I'll come with you to munches, talk with you and explain words and rules and stuff. I don't demand that you already be super-active. But when I ask you to join me at a munch, I expect you to come willingly.

If you're not interested in going to munches or parties in a BDSM organisation, I'm not interested in you. It's as easy as that.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Answer to Maymay: On being bondage furniture

This started out as a comment, answering Maymay's blog entry "On Being Bondage Furniture". However, it turned out so long and then started talking more about me than about him, and so I'm making it into one of my own blog entries in stead.

I read all your blog entries, but I don't comment much. This seemed like the right time to change that.

My first reaction was "oh, you poor man!". You trigger every instinct in my body to protect and nurture the people I care about. You've had so many bad experiences, felt so lonely and sad, and I just wish there was something I could do. And yes, that might sound odd, seeing as all I've ever done is read your blog, but I have come to care about you. At least the "you" that you show in your blog and twitter comments. I've grown to respect you.

You've tought me to see the BDSM scene (and the world in general) with a new pair of eyes. I notice things now that I didn't before. And because of you, and the things you've tought me, I've realised that your story is just one of many, many others out there. There are so many submissive men who experience similar things. And so, if I can't help you, then at least I can try to help some of them.

The problem, for me, is that I too have been burned. I've met the real creeps, the guys to presented themselves as submissive but just wanted to top. The desperate, submissive guys who turned into stalkers. The guys who didn't want to use safewords in play, or who kept pushing me to do stuff I wasn't comfortable with, or who just wouldn't take no for an answer. I have recieved countless mass-produced messages on various BDSM sites and forums, from submissive men who haven't even bothered to read my profile.

And I know, logically, that most submissive men out there are like you: Kind, intelligent, respectful, who see others as humans first and their roles second. But because I have been burned, I keep being afraid of meeting just another creep. And this makes me afraid of even trying. This scares me, and other female doms/switches I know away from the scene.

But really, there isn't much to do about this, is there? It makes me sad.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Top drop

I just had my first proper top drop, and I'm writing this in order to sort it all out and get over it. I'm sitting in the dark downstairs, writing on my phone, while the party is still on above me. When I'm done, I'll go up and rejoin it. I was playing with LOL, for the first time in three months. He's a bottom, not a sub, so its all about the physical to him, not the mental.

It was a great session, but after some aftercare he asks me to leave the room. He can't properly let himself go with me there. I leave and he starts crying, just, like he wanted. I check on him now and again, but its clear that my presence isn't wanted. I'experienced this once before with him, and although I didn't like it, I handled it. This time, I didn't. Perhaps because its been so long, or perhaps because it was more intense this time, or perhaps I'm just.more frail than I was then. I don't know.

I was just outside the play room, and B asked me if everything was ok. I started explaining, and all of a sudden, I started crying. She held me and comforted me, and I ended up putting my head in her lap and crying some more. That is as vulnerable and "small" I've been in that club in many years. Thank gods she was there! LOL came out after a while and checked on me, but I couldn't talk to him. Still haven't actually, though I know he's worried. He could see I'd been crying.

First of all I dislike being seen as so weak by one I'm topping, secondly he might be a bottom but I'm still a dominant. It's all about the mental, to me. I feel rejected by him, shut out, when I'm finally getting through that tough, smiling exterior of his, he pushes me away. He won't let me take part. From a rational point of view, I know he doesn't do this to hurt me. And I'm glad he's able to communicate his need for solitude. I want to give him what he needs, but I need too. Taking care of the sub, petting and praising them and helping them back "up", keeping them safe and warm... That is (apparently) MY kind of aftercare. That helps me. And getting the sub to let down all his barriers and letting themself cry, that's a goal for me.

So yeah, feeling rejected and sad are big parts of it. And lonely. Really lonely. It's cold down here and the others have started eating. I better go join them again. Time to put on a happier face and say that everthing is ok. I'm not sure that everything really is.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Desirable? Me?

Last Saturday, I played with a new guy. I'm naming him F. He's been in the scene for a while. He's cool looking, always seems confident and popular... Just the sort of guy I'd never try to play with. I'm simply to afraid of rejection. He smokes cigarettes, and he knows I hate smoking (I'm fairly vocal about that). Thing is, he's decided to quit smoking, and wanted someone to help him stick to that promise.

So at the party on Saturday, he'd actually approached my fiancé (T) and asked him if he'd be ok with me and F playing together. T gave him the all clear, and seemed fairly amused to be asked in the first place. When I got off work (I'd been working at the bar in the club for the first part of the evening), T told me that F seemed pretty keen on playing with me. I was surprised, because I'd never expected that he'd actually be interested in ME.

Not letting such an oportunity slip away, I went and talked to him. He agreed to play with me and so we did. Before starting out, he'd told me a bit about what he was into (which included breath play, which you know I enjoy). Our play wasn't anything heavy. A bit of bondage, some spanking, some tickling and some light breath play. Mostly just trying things out, to see what worked on him and what didn't. Getting to know his reactions and figuring out what made him tick. I was fairly happy about my performance, but it wasn't anything I haven't done a hundred times before.

The really interesting bit happened the next day. I got a message from him on Fetlife, thanking me for a great evening and saying that I'd fulfilled one of his fantasies. He'd apparently wanted to play with me for quite some time!

I got truly surprised by this. Actually fantazising about playing with me, having thought about it for some time... I mean.. Wow! I've been back in the scene in Oslo for just about a year, and don't feel as though I have THAT much experience as a Dom anyway (about a year with regular, intense play, and three years before that with random, light play). Sure, he's seen me around at the club playing with others. And sure, there is a lack of female dominants in this scene as in all others. But I've seen him too. He's been fairly active, playing with women I concider to be much more experienced (and about 10 years older) than me. I didn't even think that he'd noticed me, much less desired to play with me.

Ofcourse, he could be lying. He could just try to flatter me, as I'm not that confident and compliments are a great way of making me really pleased. He could just be trying to ensure that he's got someone to play with, and makes due with me. These are all posibilities, and I think they are probable. But I don't think he's lying outright. I think he enjoyed what I did to him and what to experience it again. And I think he might actually have noticed me before and wanted to play with me for some time... It's hard to believe, for someone with as low confidence as I, but I really, really WANT to believe him. Because if it was true, and he really did desire me, then that would do great things for my self esteem.

Monday, September 5, 2011

A busy weekend.

There's a lot of stuff going on these days. A lot of people. I can't possibly keep a record of everything, but I'll give you guys a summary at least.

T:
T and I are doing good these days. At least I think we are. We're both working full time, which leaves little time and even less energy to do much else. But we've had an evening or two each week relaxing together on the couch, waching TV-series or just talking. Those evenings are the best part of the week.

Corvus:
Still playing, and there are bruises to prove it. We met up on Friday AND on Sunday. So it's been a busy weekend. He's been sick a couple of times these past two weeks, and I worry it's something about his inner ear or sense of balance, as he describes it as being sea-sick. Trying to convince him to see a doctor.

Larpy:
A new guy I've played with twice now. Met him through a BDSM youth group, and brought him along to the BDSM club I frequent the most. We played and it was fun. Met up again on Saturday, this time in his appartement. Did bondage, teasing and spanking. (He really can't take much pain at all.) Ended up with having him jerk himself off. It felt natural and right that I never had my clothes off and he didn't have anything to do with my sexuality. He's moving abroad in about a month anyway, so I don't care to get further involved with him. This was just a bit of fun.

War:
Not into BDSM, he's a friend I've known for a few years. We've been flirting for about a year, since he left his girlfriend of 15+ years. He's got low self-esteem and I thought it would be good for him to have someone pay him attention and tell him what a nice guy he is. I spent the night at his place on Saturday, and we flirted and cuddled. A lot of hugs and a few kisses, a bit of fubling but nothing below the belt. I slept next to him, but I was fully dressed. So fairly innocent, really. I think he might hold the record of the oldest man I've ever kissed, though.

And me...? I'm getting more involved in the BDSM club here. Tomorrow, I'll be giving the tour and the introductory lecture for all new members. And on Saturday, I'll be tought how to run the bar at parties. :)

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Keeping records

Just because I like having complete records here: Me and T had sex about a week ago. We've also been snuggling more since he got back from holliday. I like. :)

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Queer

I have issues with the term "queer". It's irrational, but knowing that my issues are irrational doesn't make them go away.

For those who don't know, this is one definition of "queer":
Queer is an umbrella term for sexual minorities[1] that are not heterosexual, heteronormative, or gender-binary.
The range of what "queer" includes varies. In addition to referring to LGBT-identifying people, it can also encompass: pansexual, pomosexual, intersexual, genderqueer, asexual and autosexual people, and even gender normative heterosexuals whose sexual orientations or activities place them outside the heterosexual-defined mainstream, e.g., BDSM practitioners, or polyamorous persons.
Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Queer

And looking at that definition, there should be no doubt that I'm queer. I get turned on by women and men both, and as such can't be concidered heterosexual. I'm heavily into BDSM. I concider myself at least partially to be polyamorous. There is no doubt that the definition of "queer" fits me like a glove.

My problem, therefore, lies not with the definition of "queer", but with the associations. And this is where irrationality comes in. You see, when I hear the word "queer", this is what I see in my mind:
A woman with very short hair, wearing men's clothing. Perhaps suspenders. Perhaps also a tie, or maybe a palestine-checkered scarf. One who's entire look screams "lesbian" and "political". One who gets all worked up if someone talks of men and woman as a dichotomy, despite this dichotomy being the foundation upon which our entire society and culture is built. (I'm not saying that's a good thing, nor am I saying it's bad to try to change it. I'm just saying that if you're going to get mad every single time, you will spend most of the day, every day, being mad.) I see someone with a long of anger and righteous indignation. One who's burns for a topic and wants to change the world. One who's read too many books written for (and about) so-called queer people (meaning homosexuals, mainly) and who knows too many theories. One who demands that you care about this as much as her, because it's important. One who keeps saying that the fight for equal rights is far from over.

I could go on and on, but you get the idea. I'm not saying that this woman is bad, or wrong. I think it's great that someone wants to stand on the barricades and fight the fight, so that most of us don't have to. She's like a suffragette, or like a woman burning her bra in the 70ies. She's an icon. She's fighting the good fight......... She just isn't me.

I don't fight. I'm not political. It's not that I don't care or that I don't see the inequality. I just have other things that engage me more, and am selfish enough to mainly think about myself. And MY life isn't so bad. I'm engaged to be married with a loving, wonderful man. When I fuck, it's 90% of the time with men. When I fantasize, it's also 90% of the time about men. When I do BDSM-related stuff, it's 75% of the time with men, and anything heavy that actually involves a lot of emotions and real committeemen is 100% with men. I have a BDSM plaything (Corvus), who's also a man (mostly). On the Kinsey Scale (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale), I'm probably a 2. I don't know much about that scale, but I'm certainly no higher than 2. Perhaps even a 1.

You see how this clashes in my mind. The definition of "queer" and my image of who and what "queer" is, just doesn't match. And so my mind creates these ideas of what other queer people think. Because I'm to such a large degree heterosexual that I've even stopped calling myself bisexual these days. Heteroflexible is a better term. If I were to go to an event for queer people, I imagine that they wouldn't accept me. Because I'm not queer enough. Not "hardcore" enough. That I would have a neon sign attached to my forehead that screamed "fake".

I realize, as I'm writing this, that these objections are eerily similar to those I had when I was fresh in the BDSM scene. I was certain that the more serious, "hardcore" players would reject me. That I didn't measure up, wasn't good enough (for more on this topic, see this entry). Perhaps this has truly nothing to do with being or not being queer. Perhaps it's just my fear of the unknown. My fear of a new social arena, my fear of rejection. I don't know. This requires more thinking... I think.

I miss T

T has been away for a long time now. So long, it feels like forever. It isn't. It's just over a week, I think, though I've lost count. Thing is, before going on holiday, he was at a LARP. And before that, there was a game con. So we haven't had more than a few days together at home and in relative peace for what feels like a month. It's not a month, not even near, but it feels that way.

Not to go completely bonkers, I have Corvus here with me. He sleeps in our bed, he sits in our couch, he eats my food. But he isn't T. I miss how T smells. How he breathes. How he talks. His humor. His smiles. His hugs. The way the thick coat of hair on his chest curls, and is just long enough for me to get a good handful if I grab it.

I haven't really missed him that much earlier, and even now this longing isn't any sort of unbearable pain or anything that melodramatic. It just feels as though I'm incomplete. Like he took a part of me with him. It doesn't hurt me, but it's definitely missing. And I long to be complete once more.

In the meantime, I'm having a very good time here with Corvus. He's in better shape, mentally, than he's been in a long time. Having someone around that makes sure he eats and gets up in the morning probably helps with the loneliness and feeling of despair. And so I worry what will happen when T comes back and Corvus goes back home, alone once more. For now, all I can do is build him up as best as I can. Make sure he rests and recuperates. He's taken a week off work, and I think that does him good.

We play frequently. Never for long at a time and rarely anything deep and serious... But he's always mine. Even when we're equals. Even when he's the boss, teaching me how to drive a car for the first time. Even then, we both know deep down that he's mine. He wears the collar to which only I have the key. He wears the chastity device, a steel cage, to which I'm also the only one with a key. He's got spare keys to both, but they are sealed off. Only to use in an emergency. His cock is mine, just like all of him is mine. And we both enjoy that tremendously.

He's recently started experimenting with a wand. That is, a small, hollow steel rod worn inside the urethra. With it inserted, the chastity cage becomes 100% escape proof. I'm fascinated by it, a bit appalled by it and I know (just like with the chastity cage) that my sense of disgust will probably pass once the idea has grown on me. Then there will only be the fascination left, and before I know it I will become turned on by that too. It's strange how our desires grow and change over time. Gone are the days when all I did was push his limits to suit my own, now we are pushing each other. I wonder what will be next..

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Naked in the woods: An exhibitionist's dream

On Tuesday, T and I had sex. We started out by watching a porn movie (there was a lot of fast forwarding. Primarily to skip the scene with the REALLY cheesy vampires). Then we went to the bedroom, where I lubed up and then we fucked. It was very nice, and I'm pleased that we had sex since he would be leaving for holiday the next day and be gone for two weeks. None of us was able to come like that, it was just too warm. So I gave T and blow job, which ended up as a hand job. He had to help out a bit, but I did most of it myself. It's always a proud moment when I make someone come. He's been away for only four days now, and I kinda miss him already. I'm so used to having him around, it's odd when he's not here.

On Wednesday, I was naked in the woods. Yep, you heard me. I was naked. In the woods. A friend of mine loves to take photos and had some ideas for a shoot. I haven't been naked in front of the camera for 5 years, and I enjoy it, so of course I said yes. He's in an open relationship with a lovely, and very pregnant, woman. She knows what we've been up to and don't mind. First we all had dinner together, then me and him went to a place that he thought suitable. It was about 15-20 minutes hiking to get there.

The first half an hour was a bit awkward. I was red-faced and sweaty from the hike. There were mosquitoes, ants, spruce needles and other pieces of foliage everywhere. Being naked in itself wasn't really a problem, but I felt sweaty and ugly and uncomfortable. Once I had settled myself on the ground and accepted that I was lying on scratchy blueberry bushes (bush-lets? They're tiny) and that there were things crawling all over me.. Then it wasn't so uncomfortable anymore. I felt much more at ease, and started to enjoy being naked, outside on a warm if somewhat overcast day. The temperature was perfect for being naked, there was practically no wind and we ended up with some great pictures. Of course, even though the pictures look great I still don't really like how I look in them: I'm so fat. But I try to silence that voice in my head and just think of it as art. It's easier that way.

As I was lying on the ground, touching myself and trying to look like something out of a renaissance painting, he was sneaking around in the bushes and photographing me. It was clear that he was turned on by the situation, as was I. I am an exhibitionist, after all. We were more or less done with the shoot, but of course we couldn't leave it at that. One thing led to the other, and there I was, naked in the foods, being finger fucked by this guy I don't know all that well. And DAMN, was he good with his fingers! Rougher than I would have thought I could handle, and I probably wouldn't have been able to handle it if I hadn't been that wet. I still have no idea exactly what he did or how he did it, but it was very, very nice. I didn't come, simply because getting me to come isn't that easy. But it was fairly close. He also used his tongue on my tits and pussy, but frankly he just wasn't rough enough. Very, very gentle stimulation on my nipples for example just wasn't enough to make me feel much of anything.

He was still fully dressed, and I could sense that he wouldn't have minded if we left it like that and didn't go any further. However, I enjoy being active too. He'd tasted me, so I though it only fair that I got to taste him. So he zipped down his shorts and stood before me, as I sat on a blanket on the ground. To my surprise, he was circumcised. That is VERY unusual in Norway, only mostly just done for medical reasons (like too tight foreskin). I'd never even touched a circumcised penis before, so that was interesting. I conclude that I prefer the dick with the foreskin intact. It just makes jerking them off so much smoother and easier. Anyhow, I sucked his dick and handled his balls, and he ended up coming right there in front of me. Luckily, I'd brought some wipes, so cleaning up was easy. We then gathered our stuff and went back to their place.

The strangest thing about this experience was the relationship between me and him. There was no tension. No flirting. No emotions other than horniness and a sense of friendship. What we did felt very good, and I'm glad we did it. But afterwards, we might as well have shared a sandwich or picked flowers, for all the tension in the air. Both of us are very straightforward, very uninhibited. We talked and acted that same way when we were having dinner, as when he was shooting me, as when we were giving each other hand-jobs, as when we got back to the car afterwards. The sexual stuff just wasn't any special, and THAT was very, very odd.

In a way, it is ideal. I had, and still have, no issues with having done what I did. I think we could have gone all the way and actually fucked (had T allowed it), and still I would not see that as a problem. There is truly no danger of getting emotionally entangled there, at least not if our relationship continues as it is now. It feels almost like when I'm fondling a woman: It's fun and nice, but there just aren't any emotions involved. I never expected to feel THIS disengaged when dealing with a man, but I must admit it's very practical.

On the other hand, it's also a bit boring. Yes, it felt good. Yes, it was very cool to be outside in the woods, naked and horny. Yes, he's obviously good at what he does (at least some of it). But I can get all this elsewhere too. From T. From Corvus. From myself, non the less. I think the main reason I found it a bit boring is because HE doesn't turn me on. He's a good guy who's nice to hang out with, but he doesn't turn me on. He's short. He enjoys running, and he's very fit. He's a bit too vanilla for my taste. He comes off as somewhat of a "knowitall" and so confident in himself that it's almost uncomfortable. That cool, controlled front of his makes him seem even more uninviting. He does warm up and let loose a bit when he's drunk, and I first got interested in him when he had drunk. So there's obviously something with him, something I can like, underneath that very controlled exterior. He just doesn't let it out when he's sober. At least not amongst people he doesn't know that well (like me).

I think the friendly, uncomplicated, tension-free feeling afterwards is partly from the fact that we both are in relationships and knew that this was only for fun. And partially because I'm not really attracted to him. He's not ugly or that unattractive, so it was fun to do the things we did... But that's also all that there was. I'm glad I did it, and if I get another chance to have a fotoshoot in the nude, I will grab it with both hands. It's fun.

Seeing as his fiancée is due to deliver their baby next week, I don't think I'll get the pictures anytime soon. Once I do get them, I will post a few of them here.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Bare to the world

Sunday: Had sex with T. It's been a while, and sex is always nice. :) Was a bit of work to get me wet and ready for it, but I got ready eventually.

Tuesday: Played with LOL at the BDSM club. This is the fourth time I've played with him.
1st: Awfull and confusing. His reactions were nothing like what I had expected. Turns out he's a Top/bottom-switch, and not a Dom/sub. Very weird. Talked a lot afterwards, learned more about him and what makes him tick.
2nd: Fucking awsome. Tied to the cross and spanked. He was howling and laughing and mentally flying. I knew what made him tick, I knew what to expect. Had to leave sooner than I wanted, didn't have the time to bring him down properly. Felt a bit rushed.
3rd: Wrestled him to the floor and tied him down, then spanked him. Corvus, B and another girl helped out as there's no way I could have held him on my own. Fun, but not as great.
4th: This Tuesday. Almost up there with the 2nd time. Awsome. :) Had all the time in the world to help him back down from his "flight". Nice.

LOL is a lot of fun to play with. Such energy, such response! But I miss playing with a sub, I miss that intense mental connection between us. There's no tension between me and LOL. No desire. Just pure fun.

I miss Corvus. Not playing, nesecarily, just holding him. Talking with him. I know he's going through a rough time, and I want to help him.

I'm going through a pretty tough time myself. Stressed out, I finally went to see the doctor and got sick leave for the rest of this week. Started crying in the doctor's office, I think that's what did it..

So now I'm on a sick leave.. Though I'm still checking my work-related e-mail account and such. Even if I know I shoulddn't. Next week I have two exams myself, and I also have a whole bunsh of reports for work that should be ready by the 1st... Or by the 8th at the latest. T has been applying for jobs, which has been stressing him out, and yeah.. It's been a rough time for us all, I think.

Luckily, I have T to support me. Broke down pretty badly last night, couldn't stop crying. Just felt empty, flat, grey inside. Like all i felt and though was static, like a TV with no reception. And yet I couldn't stop crying. It felt completely surreal and very illogical. This whole week, I've been getting weepy over nothing. Sad songs on Spotify (Cat's in the Cradle, for example), emotional stuff on Youtube or TV... Stuff that would normally never effect me on an emotional level.

Feels like I have no defenses up, no buffer between me and the world. And so everything I do, and see, and feel and think just rubs me raw and gives me blisters. Luckily, I have T here. He can blow on my methaphorical bumps and bruises, hug me and tell me everything will be ok. I have trouble believing him, but it helps to hear it none the same.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Chastity: My side of the story

This is about chastity. What I think about it and it what it does to me.

Where it all came from
I'd been following the blog Denying Thumper for a while. Can't remember how I stumbled upon it, but opposed to many other BDSM/sex blogs I've actually kept following this one. Thumper is personal, yet not too personal. He's detailed, knowledable and he updates frequently. I like his topics and way of writing.

When I started out, I had only a vague idea what male chastety was all about. I wasn't particuallary attracted to it, and was fairly new as a Dominant. It seemed a bit scary. As I kept reading Thumper's blog, I got increasingly fascinated. So fascinated in fact that I started wondering what it would be like to try it out in practice.

My relationship with Corvus was growing, and we were getting to know eachother better and exploring the world of BDSM together. I think I was the one who first brought of the idea of using a chastity device. I remeber him getting fascinated and turned on by the idea right from the start. Ofcourse that felt like an added incentive.

The device
We talked about it occationally, but as Corvus spiraled deeper down into depressions I didn't have much hope that we'd get to try it out anytime soon. And then, out of nowhere, he gets the idea to make a steel chastity device himself! And lo and behold, a few days later he's made it... And tried wearing it to work.

Stuff were moving pretty fast for me, and like I mentioned in a previous entry I was both a bit uncomfortable and very currious when I first saw it. A bit repulsed. The balls looked all squashed and red, and the steel tube seemed so hard and mean. As if the dick had been put in jail, and not all of it could fit. It looked so.. unnatural. Unreal, almost. Like a piece of cyborg tech, grafted onto the human body.

I did get used to it, though I might still have some ways to go. It very quickly stopped making me uncomfortable, mainly because I could see what a great effect it had on Corvus. Along with an increased dose of medication, it was helping him out of a depression crisis. I'd love anything that can do that to another person, and I didn't exactly dislike the idea of male chastity to begin with. :P

Orgasm control
He's been in the device most of the time since we started out. It's been about three weeks, I think. He got to come once, after the first week, and has been orgasmless since. After he came, he dropped fairly badly. I can't have him drop like that, and yet I refuse to let my fear of his mood swings dictate whether to let him come or not.

And this is what it does to me: It enforces the idea of property. Of ownership. He is unable to come as long as he's locked in (and as we saw this weekend, he is really unable to come despite some fairly ardous attempts). This weekend, he also liftet his "maximum one month at a time" rule, giving me FULL controll over when and how often he gets to come. Or so he claims...

My property?
If his dick is my property, then I am the one who gets to decide. Meaning that if I wanted him to have eight orgasms in three days, he would do his fucking best to oblige my desire. If I wanted him out of the device for a couple of days, he should do as he is told. And if I wanted him to go for half a year or so without comming, he's accept that as well. And freakishly enough, that last idea seems much easier for him to accept than the first one. I think it's because he's had such incredibly positive experiences with the device so far, he's almost afraid to let it go. I wouldn't call it an addiction, more like an attachement he doesn't know if he can do as well without. I'm hoping this is a phase, and that he will get more willing to accept ALL my wishes and commands in the future. He is mine, it is MINE.

And it's a rush, that ownership. More than the usual sub/Dom-reationship. Since we don't have a 24/7-kind of sub/Dom-relationship, the ownership I have over him is not something reliable. He can take it away from me again, or can simply refuse to bend to my will. And that would be his right. I simply don't trust that he will always be in a submissive mood.

And sure, he could remove the device himself (for now, there will be a lock and only an emergency key awailable to him). And sure, it's all consensual and at any time he could use a codeword and end it. But the power he gives me because of the device still feels more lasting, more reliable, than general submission. This way I will always know that at least a part of him will always ("always") be under my control. Even if everything else in him rebels, as long as he doesn't use a codeword and completely break the illusion that BDSM really is, one part of him is mine. MINE! *cue evil laugh*

Being close
Another thing it does for me, which is more basic than this power-rush from ownership, is a sense of closeness: So far, I've played by the "at least one of us should at least wear underwear"-rule. Because honestly, I don't trust myself 100%. I doubt I ever would, but 0,1% of me says that if I was horney enough and we were both naked... And he was just lying there, tied down and defenceless... It would be SO tempting to fuck him, I might actually do it....Might. And since we can't do that, I would rather be safe than sorry.

But with the device, I don't have to worry. I physically CAN'T fuck him. Not that I think I would anyway, but it's always that little "but if.." in the back of my mind. It's nice not having that issue to worry about anymore. He CAN'T get properly hard, he CAN'T fuck me, he CAN'T come. And so I CAN be naked in the same bed with him. After my second orgasm of the day, I can snuggle up to him, cup his balls in my hand a wach him struggle with the pain and the pleasure. All without having that one nagging thought in my mind. I simply don't have to worry. I like that.

Crossdressing party

One of my old "protegees" from Trondheim has moved to Oslo, and on Tuesday I brought him to the BDSM club for the first time. He enjoyed it, and since I know he's a crossdresser I've been pushing him to join my little x-dress gang in the Pride Parade. (I'm not a crossdresser myself, I just seem to attract them..) However, to make him brave enough to walk down Oslo main street in plain daylight wearing women's clothes, he definitly needed practice. This was also a great opportunity to get Corvus to try on his female persona for the first time since December. She got a bit of a scare and has only recently started to resurface. Mouse is yet another crossdresser whom I'm trying to help (/push) out of his "closet".

Saturday there was a party at the BDSM club, and so I decided we should have a gathering at my place before heading out. T wasn't against the idea, and so we invited the three crossdressers as well as a handful of other friends. It turned out to be a very nice event. I combed through my closet, adding to the clothes the three guys already had, and helping them find stuff that looked good on them. I also did their makeup. All of a sudden, I'm the expert. That's really odd... As if I have such a great fashion sense or am so good at makeup! Ha!

Corvus arrived the evening before, to help me tidy the appartement and get it ready for guests. We didn't play much Friday night, because he arrived late and I was tired. On Saturday, he got up early and tidied and cleaned most of the appartement, so we actually had some time to play before the guests arrived. That was nice.

At the party, I got to play with a nice-looking woman. We've played a bit once before, at the New Years party a few months back. I haven't dared approach her after that because honestly she seems fairly inapproachable. Too confident, too sure of herself to ever be interested in me. Or so I think. Thought. She actually asked why I'd never tried to fondle or flirt with her.. And I told her, it was because I don't handle rejection well. At which point she stated fairly clearly that she wouldn't reject me. That's strong stuff! That's quite a confidence boost! She has no reason to want me or even like me, nothing to gain from it. So why would she? Perhaps she GENUINLY likes me..? A notion very difficult for me to believe, and yet I can find no other explanation for her behavior. Weird.

T and I have a new "project". I'm naming her Neighbour, because she lives closeby. She's another big girl, the way T likes them. And she's into BDSM. Unfortunately, she's a workaholic and somewhat of a restlest spirit. We never know if she will join us for events or munches, even if she says she will. Work in progress, I suppose. I don't know her well, but what I've seen has been nice. Somewhat of a nerd, reads comics and has even played some roleplaying games.

Anyhow: I've been carefully flirting with her the last couple of times I've seen her. And at the party I actually managed to kiss her. Fairly serious as kisses go, not just a peck. There was tongue involved. That was cool. T played with her later that evening, which (as I've been told) involved both a spanking and some more intimate touching. All our "work" (which is mainly T's work, to be honest, I haven't contributed much) is finally paying off. This is looking good.

Are we cynical about this? Is it wrong? I don't think it is, I think it's great fun and feels good, and therefore it is ok. But I know some people would think us not only despicable, but thoroughly weird. Oh well, that's their problem. We're having a good time and not hurting anyone, that's what matters to me.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Horney

I've seen Corvus twice so far this week, Tuesday and Wednesday. Mostly, we've just kept eachother company without any major plans for play. However, I know that whenever I'm near him I have a very hard time keeping my hands off him... So ofcourse we've played. The focus has been giving him a good time, reminding him that he means something to someone and getting some food into that body of his. He keeps getting thinner, having lost over 5kg (11 pounds) in a couple of weeks. He never had much to loose in the first place, always being on the skinny side of fit. I worry.

On Tuesday, we went to the BDSM club here in Oslo. It's his first time back there in several months, and I'm really glad to have him with me again. And proud of him for facing it, even though he felt really unsure. He doesn't do well with smalltalk in large groups, because he doesn't take charge of the converastion and steer it towards topics where he can contribute. However, he does very well with smalltalk in smaller groups or one-to-one. He claims he doesn't do social situations well, but I feel he just prooved the oposite. He does very well, he just isn't that active in large groups yet. We all have our issues. I know I'm far from perfect myself, and I can easily get too domineering in large groups. That isn't right either. At least he doesn't make people annoyed with him.. :P

After being social for a few hours, we got sick of hearing people arguing about party concepts and "the way forward". We've heard it all before, and these disagreements go back at least 10 years. Not that interesting to us. So we went upstairs and started playing a bit. After a while, Corvus expressed a desire for a beating. I'm usure wether that was motivated by his own desires, or a desire to satisfy me. I've recently come to enjoy giving spankings again, after having a very fun time with LOL a few weeks ago. Corvus knows that, so perhaps he wanted to show me that I could have just as much fun with him...? Perhaps he felt threatened by my interest in LOL?

I don't know. His reasons are his own, bottom line is that both of us had a really good time. I took it slow, warming him up and never really trying to hurt him. I didn't want him to break, and wanted to see how much I could give him that he would be able to enjoy. Conclusion: More than I had expected. With a slow escalation and a lot of pleasurable stimuli to go with it, he was able to enjoy practically all of the spanking. He even got turned on by it for a while. This is something we will try again sometime soon. It was interesting and fun. :)

We met again on Wednesday, did some shopping and went back to my place. After rincing us both off in the shower, getting rid of the pollen that makes me unable to breathe properly, we made dinner. Well, I sat in the sofa telling him how he should procede to make me dinner. :P He also gave me a foot-rub and did other small favors for me. I like making him do things for me. I like using him as a house-slave. A service-sub. :)

We then retired to the bedroom, where I proceded to turn him on. I think that was as turned on as I've ever made him. "Off scale" as he said at one point. I had a finger up his ass while using a vibrator on his chastity cage and clamps on his nipples. Waching him squirm and moan, unable even to get properly hard, was a lot of fun. Afterwards I read up on prostate milking. Will definitly try that sometime. I like a challenge, and enjoy learning new techniques.

Afterwards I made him touch me. I ended up grabbing his hand and using a vibrator on the outside of his fingers, while I pressed his hand against my crotch. He had no say in the matter and I had full controll over him. I may, however, have bruised his fingers a bit. :P

After I had stopped shaking from a fairly enjoyable orgasm, we went back in the living room. I had felt a cold comming on for the entire evening, and had no energy left for anything. I just sat on the couch looking sleepy. Around 10pm I asked him to leave, as I really wasn't feeling well. I didn't even walk him to the door, which he understood. I then went to bed, and slept for 12 hours.

And now I have a cold. Yuk. :/

Friday, April 22, 2011

March and April: A short and incomplete summary

Note to self: Stuff happened with Cathalyst this weekend. And with another guy. Will write another entry on that later.

I haven't updated in the last few weeks. Partially because I didn't have the inspiration to do so, and partially because Corvus has had some issues lately. He's been fairly depressed, and it's hurt him to know that other people were enjoying themselves without him. And I HAVE occationally enjoyed myself without him, but I haven't updated here because I didn't want to hurt him. Now he's slowly comming out of that bad place, and so I feel it's ok for me to write updates again.

Question is: How much do I remember? Not sure. I'll start with the most recent and work my way backwards.

Yesterday, T and I had sex. It was nice. Every time we have sex, I'm suprised by how very, very nice it is. Even though it was kinda fast and none of us came, it brings a connection that I feel is important. We belong together, and it enforces that feeling. :)

Before that, I spent the entire day with Corvus. He's recently made and started wearing a chastity device (mostly like a Jailbird from Mature Metals, but home made). It turns him on something fierce, which is immensly fun. He picked me up at home, and after fondling a bit we went to a museum. The museum for science and technology. It had been my idea, because I wanted Corvus to experience something positive that could give him a mental "re-fill". After the museum we had dinner, then did some shopping.

After everything was done, we retired to the car where we played for a while. It had been a long day, and we were tired. Corvus' mood is still faaaar from stable, and he experienced a bout of sadness and depression during our play. I know he isn't doing well these days, and though I wish he was doing fine, it didn't bother me at all. I accept him for who he is, including the less happy parts. Our play wasn't only sad, most of it was fun and nice. It included me having two orgasms, using a vibrator. And at the end, I decided he could have one too. Removing the device is tricky, but he got it off and seemed to enjoy his orgasm. He was then put back inside, and will stay there for the next few days.

I also med Corvus on Tuesday, when he showed me the device for the first time. I'm appalled and fascinated by it at the same time. On one hand, it looks completely unnatural. It squishes the ball-sack into a weird shape, it has two big screws on the front... It doesn't look natural or comfortable, nor really desirable. However, I've long been attracted by the idea of chastity control and chastity devices. I like Mature Metal's design for the Jailbird: Both practical and as safe as can be, whist being estetically pleasing. So whilst seeing it on there was weird and almost a bit grotesque, it was also thrilling, exciting and somewhat of a turn-on. I suspect it will become more of a turn-on once I get used to the thing.

The last month or so, I've seen Corvus several times. Mostly I've been occupied with comforting him and showing him that I'm here for him, encouraging him to seek professional help for his depression, encouraging him to seek professional help for some physical pains he's struggling with etc. There's been some light play, but nothing serious.

I've been to the BDSM club a handful of times and played with a couple of people. First I should mention Mouse. He's this cute little thing that has latched on to Corvus and I. He's a submissive fetishist with a liking for women's shoes and clothing. Enough of a crossdresser to practically be concidered a transvestite, with a desire to express a female persona. He's also married, has kids and his wife is not particually accepting of his desires. He's been to the BDSM club in Oslo twice now, and joined us for a munch outside of town once. I'm encouraging him to come out of his shell and grow in confidence, though that's definitly an up-hill battle.

On his previous visit to the BDSM club almost a month ago, I played with him. We'd talked it over in advace, so he came prepared. There was nothing heavy, nothing I haven't done a bunsh of times before. And because he's new to me and not really my kind of sub, it didn't do much for me either... But it was interesting enough. Some bondage, a hogtie. Som light spanking, tickling and pinching. A bit of pleasure, but very little as I didn't want things to become to sexual. I don't know him well enough, and he is after all married. I doubt we'll play again, but I hope it has given him a taste of what he might find at the BDSM club and encourage him to come again.

Secondly I should tell you about LOL. He's a guy I've played with twice now. He's a switch, but not a submissive or a dominant (at least not yet). He's a bottom and a top, meaning he doesn't do the whole power-play thing. The first time we played, I was expecting a submissive and got a bottom, which was simply weird. He didn't SUBMIT to me, didn't become small and humble like I'm used to. He continued to see eye-to-eye with me. Weird. Just weird. And my attempts to dominate him must have seemed pretty weird to him. Another weird thing: When he get's "high" from being played with, he doesn't get physically horney as some people do. In stead, he get a mental "high", and starts to laugh uncontrollably. He says it's like flying. It made me very unsure, and I didn't really know how to handle it. Afterwards, we talked it over and I asked a whole bunsh of questions to get a better idea of what "made him tick" so to speak.

The second time was much better. I knew what to expect, I was better able to handle it and I adjusted our activities to suit him and our interraction and play style. He had requested a good spanking and I was happy to oblige. And I must honestly say I haven't had as much fun with spanking in a long time, if ever. He gives so much response, buckets and buckets of it. And to me response is everything. I hope to be able to do something like that again, it was so much fun it needs to be repeated.

The only down side was that I only had about 25 minutes for aftercare. T and I were catching a ride with a person who had to leave. He was fairly stable by that time, and there were other people present that I trusted... But I would have liked to be there and help him all the way down from that high myself. Next time, I hope we'll have more time.

So yeah, some stuff has happened these last few weeks. I've missed Corvus, and wished we could spend more time together... But he's dealing with stuff in his own way and tempo, and I respect that. I'm here for him, he knows that, and I'll support him no matter what happens. I want what's best for him and believe him to be a wonderful person, a wonderful friend. It's just sad that he can't see that in himself these days.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

No follow-up

This happened well over a week ago, but I want to document my thoughts and feelings for posterity. So here goes:

I played with a new person last Tuesday. I thought it went fairly well and we talked for a while afterwards. We had some communication issues, and he was young (19) and uncertain and completely new to the scene. So ofcourse things weren't perfect. But good enough, or so I thought. I gave him my phone number and asked him to call/text me so I could get his. I also told him my nick on Fetlife and asked him to add me as a friend. He didn't remember his nick and I didn't have my phone on me at the time, so I didn't get his contact info.

I walk downstairs and head for the toilet. By the time I'm back, he's gone. I haven't heard anything from him since. And so I'm really worried that I did something wrong. Did I freak him out? Did I push him too far? Did he have some kind of bad reaction to something he experienced? Even if I didn't do anything wrong: If he isn't doing ok, and it's because of our play, then I would like to follow up on him. I feel a need to check up on people I've played with, to see that they're doing ok. I have no way of doing that now. It feels uncomfortable and makes me unsure of myself... Perhaps I DID do something wrong..?

Key holder

Corvus and I are seeing eachother about once or twice per week. And we usually don't play more than once per week, sometimes less. So obviously I'm not blogging as much as I should.I'm not bloging as much as I should these days. I'm not documenting my play sessions well enough anymore. I simply don't have time, and when I do have time I've usually forgotten what I was supposed to write. Don't see a solution to this, other than keeping a physical notebook/diary. Which I'll probably just forget anyway. Nah, I don't know. Enough complaints and excuses though.

Wednesday 16th of March, in the car before dropping me off after we'd been to a munch outside of town... Corvus gave me the second key to his collar. He gave me the first one on Saturday, so that we could have one each. Now I have both. The only way for him to get it off is to cut it off with bolt cutters. (Or to have the lock malfunction again.. It's happened once before.) The collar itself is a twisted steel wire, and the locking mechanism is inside a 2x2x0,5 inch block of steel. The block hangs at his throat, like a piece of jewelry, stopping the wire loop from separating.

I've been waiting for those keys since.... gosh... October? Something like that. Corvus has had so many ups and downs since then, and I totally understand him not wanting to give them to me until he felt ready. I'm still not convinced that he'll be completely fine with this level of control in the future, but for now he seems comfortable and content.

What does this mean to me? Several things. Commitement, first of all. He's signaling that he's got no intention of cutting me off (again) anytime soon. Secondly, I find the collar a beautiful symbol of ownership. Thind, ofcourse, is the power. Would I sound mad if I say that power turns me on? I want it, and when I have it I want more of it. That he wears an item on his body that he is UNABLE to remove without destroying it. And that I, and only I, hold the key... Oh yeah, that thought turns me on. :P

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Self-control

Wednesday was bondage night at the BDSM club, and Corvus and I went there. We started out just socializing separately, and Corvus ended up assisting another guy with tying up a girl. It was obvious that he was enjoying himself, so I just left him to it.

Afterwards, we met up with a woman whom Corvus has talked with online. She's a muscle therapist or something, and thought she might be able to help Corvus walk on ballet boots. He's got a real thing for those, and wears them occationally, but his feet/legs aren't flexible and/or strong enough for him to walk in them. We placed him on massage bench (or whatever it's called in English) and she started examining him. She found a few areas she'd like to continue working on at a later time, and I'm hoping this will help him reach his goal.

Corvus put on a pair of high heeled boots, and I brought him upstairs. Sitting on the couch, I proceded to tie him up and tease him. He got very turned on very quickly, which wasn't suprising as all three of his top fetishes were precent: High heels, corset and bondage. I love teasing him, making him veeeery turned on. It gives an incredible feeling of empowerment, knowing that I have full controll of him and may give or take away the pleasure as I see fit. He was given back contoll of his hands and allowed to jerk off, while I held his body down and stayed close to him. It's important for me that he is acutely aware that the pleasure he feels is comming from me. It's a gift, a priviledge I alow him. It can be taken away from him on my whim, and I want him to be aware of that.

We cleaned up, talked and cuddled for a bit and then left. We'd spent too much time, and left fairly late. Arriving at my house, we stayed in the car talking. Corvus got home really late, and ended up being deprived of sleep for the rest of the week. I feel really bad for him. I want us both to get better at time management, saying "no" and not starting play when we have little time. It's mainly my responsibility, as I'm the top, the active part. And it's difficult, because I love playing with him and don't want to stop. Still, I'll do my best to get better at this. I'd hate for him to have another week with sleep deprivation like this one.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Distractions

Note: Check out the blog entry on play modes from December 21, 2009 I feel it is connected to this one, in a way.

I played with Corvus on Tuesday, at a munch in the BDSM club here in Oslo. Started out with bondage, which evolved into a kind of "show-and-tell" because people wanted to learn how it was done. We left the main room for the smaller play room in the back, and continued the bondage experience there. A lot of new and new-ish people were there, and wanted to learn more. I love talking with new people, making them feel welcome. It's important to me.

Our play moved from pure bondage, which can be a fairly social experience, to a more serious S&M kind of thing. I'd planned to give Corvus a proper spanking, as it's been a while since we've played much with pain. There were two other groups in the room, involved in play, and they were fairly social. As they were all fairly new, I sometimes voluntaired comments or answered questions they asked. They didn't disturb us on purpose, I was simply unable to keep focused on what I was doing with Corvus.

After playing for a while, trying my best, we stopped and left the room. I had a strong urge to talk with him about what happened, and tell him how sorry I was for getting so distracted all the time. Though he admitted that this play session hadn't worked out very well, he didn't seem upset or disapointed. At least not near as upset as I was.

I think this affected me so strongly, because I know what it's like to be the sub in such a situation. I've experience playing with someone, trying to reach that sub-mode, that mental place where I'm owned and safe and small... And the Dom just wasn't taking the journey with me, wasn't even trying. He kept getting distracted, talking with other people and such. This upset me, because it felt as though he didn't really wish to play with me. When I play, I want to be my playmate's first priority. I want the focus to be on us. If such a situation happened now, I'd probably think: "If you don't think I'm important enough, if you don't really want to play with me, then go away. Either take this seriously or stop faking it."

As this is how I've felt, and in my mind still feel, when I'm the sub... You can imagine I felt pretty bad about behaving like this when I was the Dom. I'm very glad that Corvus didn't take my approach to this situation. He didn't get as upset as I know I'd have gotten. Still, I felt pretty bad about it. In fact, I still feel bad about it.

In hindsight I should have done something. Either gotten a hold of myself and stopped getting so distracted (which I doubt I'd have been able to). Or taken Corvus with me and gone somewhere else to play. Or stopped the session alltogether. It's a lessoned learned. I hope I won't make this same mistake again.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

A short summary of last week's events

Played some more with Corvus last week.

I've started teasing him, turning him on and then denying him the pleasure of comming. That's fun. I just love waching him squirm and moan with pleasure, knowing his pleasure is mine to control. :)

I've also practiced verbally abusing him, humiliating him by calling him names and making him feel small and worthless. It's... Tricky. It feels so fake, it makes me feel awkward and it's difficult to think up nasty things to say. Though in a way, it's fun too... Because it's a challenge. Corvus seems to like it, otherwise I probably wouldn't have bothered. But since he enjoys it, I might as well see if I can grow to enjoy it too. I want to get better at this, being able to do it effortlessly. Another wepon in my arsenal. Then I'll decide wether I really like doing it or not.

Last weekend, Corvus licked and fingered me to another orgasm. He's getting better at that. This time he didn't just enjoy that I was enjoying myself, he was actually getting turned on by it. That makes me feel a bit less selfish, so that's a good thing.

One last thing that's been going on: Corvus is now walking around with high heeled women's shoes in public. He's worn stiletto boots at the BDSM club, for everyone to see and admire. And he's worn wedge heeled boots around town. He might eventually get a few nasty reactions from people, but so far everything has gone well. I'm really proud of him for stepping out of the closet, showing off his fetish like that for everyone to see.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Submissive Corvus: Proof of concept

This blog entry for the night and I'm finally à jour on all that has happened these last couple of weeks.

We'd agreed to meet on Wednesday to play, as we didn't play on Tuesday. (The suspension wasn't a part of the plan. :P ) As I was saying goodby to Corvus Tuesday evening, I'd scratched his neck and inadvertedly he felt himself drop into a sub-mode. It was very unexpected, and I didn't push it any further that evening. However, it gave me hope that his submissive side might not be as far burried as I'd previously thought. Perhaps it might not take a couple of months for it to resurface?

Still, as we started playing on Wednesday afternoon, I had no expectations of dominance and submission. I really didn't want to push him into anything he didn't feel ready for. So I tied him in a hogtie, and like before I left him alone and sat down to read. I sat next to him on the floor in stead of on the couch, because I wanted him to get the same sense of closeness and safety as last week in the car.

He didn't go into the trance-like state that he'd experienced last week. I'm not sure why, but I think the surroundings was part of it. By now, both of us are actually feeling safer and more relaxed in the car. Despite the obvious limitations of such a cramped space. After less than half and hour, his body language expressed that he wanted to be touched. After a bit of light petting, I took it up a notch.

And to my great suprise, the same actions that had brought him down the previous evening, again put him into a submission mode. He told me, which was a good thing. I'm no mind reader, and I really don't want to guess at such things and then make the wrong assumption. He also told me to take advantage of it while I could, because he didn't know how long it would last or when it might happen again.

And then began an hour or so of more intense playing. I didn't really DO much that was so different from last week... But the intension behind it, and how it was recived by Corvus, was different. Looking into his eyes, I could see the difference. And apparently, he could see it in mine too. He claims my entire being gets this dominant glow when I'm really into a dom/sub play session with him. He's probably right, though I never think about this myself.

At one point he said he wanted to be brought all the way down, shown who's boss. The way I usually do this is by administering physical pain. However, hurting him physically with the intent of making him cry, makes me think of the time just after New Year when everything went wrong. And so it still feels a bit sore, to me. A bit uncomfortable.

I needed some other way to "show him who's boss", and suggested I could fuck him with a strap-on. That ought to show him! We've never done that before, in fact although I actually own two strap-on harnesses I've never done that with anyone. After a few seconds of hessitation, he agreed. We talked about it a bit more, making sure that he was up for it. He was.

And so I put him in a PVC dress and proceded to fuck him with a strap-on. It was fairly impractical and not as hot as I'd imagined, but I did make it work. And it did have the intended humiliating effect on Corvus. That was the point, and so I'm fairly pleased with how it went down, although there's certainly room for improvement. I never imagined having a cock attached to your body would make fucking so impractical. I know where my pussy is, have known for years. This nerveless prastic potrution was a lot trickier. I admire men who walk around with such a thing every day... I realise now that using a dick actually takes a fair amount of practice. Just the angles! I've never really stopped to concider the angles before... An interesting new point of view.

After fucking, he still wasn't all the way down where he wanted to be. I knew he wanted to be properly broken very badly, so I hurt him 'till he broke. It didn't take much. What little pain I did give him, still felt a bit odd to me. Not wrong, precicely, just odd. Uncomfortable. I'll need some time to get used to that again.

He cried, I comforted him. We talked through it, made dinner and then talked more. He wore the brown collar I gave him about half a year ago. He was mine again, if only for a short while. I doubt it'll last, but it was very nice to have him back even for such a short while. He still has a submissive side which he's able to enjoy. Just like with the suspension the day before, this day also felt much like a trial run. Far from perfect, but certainly enough to proove the concept.

And to quote my Fetlife status update: "Fuck yeah, THIS is what I'm talking about! *grins madly*"

Suspension: Proof of concept

Tuesday this week, we WOULD go to a much. And to ensure that we'd actually end up there, we decided (well, I decided) that we shouldn't play beforehand. In stead, we'd meet the following day to play.

The munch was nice. I haven't been there for a month, and when I was there last time I really didn't enjoy myself. Corvus was going through a really rough period, and I felt sad and abandoned and alone. Really not the right mood to be social and have fun. Anyhow, enough remenissing. This time, it was very nice.

An added bonus to the evening was a guy performing suspension in the main room of the club. This is a fairly uncommon occurence. Earlier that night, I'd showed the guy a bondage picture from Rhianna's newest music video "S&M". The hip-harness fascinated me, and I was wondering how it was done. The guy said he'd do something similar fairly shortly, and invited me to watch. So I sat pretty close and asked a few questions (after making sure questions were welcome).

It's probably the fourth or fifth time I've seen suspension done live. Every time the possition of the "suspendee" was different, so there's been no repetition. This time was different from the other times, as the technique the guy used was fairly simple. After waching, I felt fairly certain I could replicate it. Perhaps not perfectly, but well enough that it might work for me as well.

An hour or so later, I brough Corvus into the play room, where we proceded to try out that particular bondage technique. I needed to make sure I could make it work, while I still had someone available who might help me if I misremembered. To my pleasure, I remembered it well enough. And once Corvus was all tied up, it was too tempting not to attach him to the celing to see if I could make him fly.

It was very much a "don't try this at home"-kind of thing. The ropes were the old community ropes that the club has available for it's visitors. The attachement point was a pig-tail shaped hook in the celing. Gods know how long it's been there or how it was attached in the first place. The ropes might snap, the hook might fall down, not to mention that neither I nor Corvus had ever done suspension before. It was far from safe.

However, it was safe enough that I would risk it. The elevation wasn't high and Corvus had partial control so he could probably have saved himself if he'd fallen. We took the risk, and it was worth it.. Because it worked! I have done suspension for the first time and it was AWSOME! Corvus was 100% off the ground, hovering in mid air with only ropes supporting him. And I'd made it happen, all on my own. No one to help me, no one to teach me. Fuck yeah! Did I mention awsome? AWSOME!

It was far from perfect. We (I) need more practice placing the ropes on the right area of the limb, as well as balancing the different body parts. The weight on is distributed differently on Corvus and on the female "suspendee" that the guy had used for his demonstration. So we need practice. And better equipment. Still, he was off the ground and in bondage. It was suspention. We prooved we could make it work. I made it work!

How not to go to a much

Tuesday last week, Corvus and I were supposed to go to a munch at the local club. We met up after work and did a few erands, before parking the car and getting in the back. The "Dungeon Express", as it's been so fittingly named. We'd agreed only to play with the bondage fetish that day, no submission/dominance and nothing heavy or intense. He'd been very much involved beforehand, planning the session with me.

I locked leather cuffs on his wrists and ancles and tied him in a hogtie. I lay on his side, as this was what he said he'd prefer. He was left alone for about an hour. The car isn't big, so as I was sitting next to him reading silently to myself, we touched occationally. It was nice to have such a close contact with him, and yet being separate. The close confines of the car made it all feel safe and just very nice.

After about an hour or so, he needed to move his limbs a bit. I loosened the hogtie and tied him with his arms in front in stead. Then I proceded to play a bit with him. Nothing heavy: Petting, stroking, scratching and gentle use of my mouth. He told me I could be a bit more rough, and so I was. Still nothing really heavy.

Beforehand, I hadn't expected the play to go much further than that. However, I hadn't taken into account the effect this had on Corvus. He got very horney, and although THAT was expected, I hadn't expected him to want to do something about it. So while his hands were cuffed together and I was leaning over him, pinching his nipples and biting his ear lobes, he jerked off. And came. It wasn't easy for him, he even got a shallow wound on his hand from the edge of a cuff, but he did it.

And although it wasn't submission and dominance like we'd done before, it was still fulfilling. I enjoyed seeing him enjoy himself, I enjoyed the physical power given to me as I tied him up and teased him. I admit, I missed the mental submission, but I was prepared for it.

Oh, and we never made it to the munch that night. In stead, we spent the evening in the car, cuddling and talking through what had happened and how we felt about it. As the day ended, I was expecting all our future play sessions to be somewhat similar for at least another few weeks. Possibly a couple of months. As my next blog entry will show, that was not the case.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

A one-night-spank

I went to a all-girls party last night, and had the BDSM equivalent of a one-night-stand. I'm naming it a "one-night-spank".

I wasn't really in the mood to go at all, but felt I should go as B was one of the organisers and I do agree that it's a great concept. I wanted to support the concept and the organizers' idea.

Before the party: Dinner with Corvus
I met up with Corvus beforehand and had dinner. He was going to another party. He drove me to my party before going to meet up with a couple of his own friends. Before I exited the car, I petted and teased him a bit. It had a major effect on him, making him really turned on. It was just a few minutes, but it was a lot of fun.

It had a big impact on me as well, as I've REALLY missed playing with him. Sure, it wasn't D/s in the true sense of the word, but I was still the active part and affecting his body and emotions. I was the Top. And even though he wasn't submitting to me mentally, it still felt empowering to me to be alowed to tease him like that. There isn't the intense emotional connection of a sub/Dom scene, but that's just fine. He isn't up to that these days, and probably won't be up for it in quite a while. This lighter tone of Top/bottom feels good too, and I think it's easier to handle for both of us.

The party
Walking away from his car, I felt much more motivated for BDSM than I had in a long time. It's strange how tiny things make such a big difference. At the party, there was a diverse crowd. A few lesbian BDSM couples, arriving together and staying together the entire evening. A few lesbians arriving alone, a few who weren't so easy to put tags on and a couple of transvestites.

One of the trannies was someone I hadn't seen before. Fairly old, I was thinking late 40-ies/early 50-ies, fairly shy and uncertain and obviously quite inexperience and very eager. He/she (I will hereforth use "he" as he's singning e-mails using his male name and lives as a male in his daily life) kept hoveing in the outskirts of conversations, not being quite forward enough to ever quite get through with his own comments. He was just on the edge between eager and desperate, but wasn't being annoying or creepy.

Sometime after midnight, I was seriously concidering going home. I wasn't having such a great time, I was cold and somewhat bored. I decided to change into my regular clothes and see if that would improve my mood. As I got back from changing my clothes, I joined a group of people which included that transvestite. I said something nonsensical to start a conversation with him.. Something like "I suppose this hallway is the place to be?". Before I knew it he'd said straight out that if I was looking for someone to Dominate, he would be willing.

This quite forward suggestion took me somewhat by suprise. On one side, I'd been sensing that he'd wanted someone to play with and was somewhat interested in me. It had become apparent throughout the evening. On the other hand I'm just not used to people comming on to me like that. Right there and then, I REALLY wasn't in the mood and wanted to turn him down. However, I also felt sorry for him. He was obviously very keen on playing and was feeling fairly insecure, so turning him down would probably make him even more insecure. Rejection is difficult to deal with, even in the most ideal circumstances, and I didn't want to hurt him.

So in stead I told him I wasn't sure if I felt like it, but maybe we could talk a bit more and get to know eachother. We walked into the quiet zone, where the music wasn't as loud, and sat down next to one another. After some time sitting and talking, getting to know eachother, I was slowly getting used to the idea of playing with this person. We started light, a bit of pinching and such and then went downstairs to the play areas.

Naughty subs = manipulative wannabe Tops?
Playing with this person was fairly odd as he was SO different from what I'm used to. First of all, he was a "naughty sub" meaning that he rebelled and disobeyed the commands I gave him. When I give an order, it's because I want or need the sub to comply. I need to be obeyed in the sceene to ensure the safety and comfort of both myself and the sub. If the sub keeps disobeying I loose trust in him, eventually making playing with that sub impossible for me.

My problem was, I didn't realise that he was being so naughty on purpose until we'd played for a little while. And even then, when I started to "play along" more or less, he seemed unable to differentiate between what rules he might safely disobey (like "stand still while I'm hitting your ass") and which rules he should obey or I would get seriously annoyed and stop playing (like "I don't like that you keep trying to touch me, please don't do that again").

I'm not sure I like naughty subs at all. Naughty subs seem to disobey as a way to provoke punishment and harsher treatment. To me, this smells heavily of trying to manipulate the Dominant, "topping from the bottom" as some people call it. Expressing your wishes and desires is a good thing, trying to force the Dom to fulfill them is not. As a Dominant, I don't need excuses to punish a sub. If I wish to subject the sub to pain or humiliation, I will do so, without any prompting from the sub. I could just ignore the subs naughtyness, but with a fresh sub that I don't know that doesn't work out so well because I need to establish myself as the boss. Rebelling can't be tollerated. So I have to react to the subs naughtyness, which is exactly what the sub wants. But then I'm dancing to his tune, in stead of him dancing to mine. Who was in controll, again?

Perhaps other Doms think differently, perhaps they enjoy the naughty subs. I'm sure I wouldn't mind a sub being naughty now and again, but with a few clear rules in place:
1. Know which commands must be obeyed and which may safely be disobeyed. Only rebell on the small things, never on bigger issues.
2. Be clear in your signals to the Dom that "I'm being naughty now", so that to make sure you are percieved as a naughty sub within the scene (the roleplay). If you fail to do this, you will be percived as though you are objecting to the command OUTSIDE the scene (the roleplay), meaning there is something seriously wrong and codewords should have been used.
3. Don't do it all the time. This should be an occational thing. Never, EVER try to push the Dom into doing something she/he doesn't wish to do. You are not the boss. You may state your opinions and wishes, you may not nag about them and try to push them down someone's throat.
4. Be satisfied with whatever reaction you get. You may be ignored. You may be verbally corrected. You may end up getting a serious beating or other long-term punishment. You are not the one in control of this. The Dom has the priviledge of not having to be reasonable in her/his reactions. Whatever happens is your fault. Deal with it and don't bitch.
Winnie is the perfect example of someone who complies with these rules. At least to a very large degree. He's the naughtiest sub I know, and yet he's very fun to play with.

People I don't know shouldn't try to touch me!
Another issue I had with this person was his need to touch me. I'm used to using my body as a means of comfort and a way of establishing rank. For example having the submissive lean on me, put his head in my lap etc. I'm using to petting, stroking and comforting the sub. What I'm not used to is the sub taking so much initiative in touching me back. With someone I know, I greatly enjoy being touched and petted myself. However, with someone I'd just met it just feel weird. Creepy, even. I told him to stop several times, as well as physically grabbing his hand and moving it away. And yet he percisted. We talked it over afterwards, and it turned out he was just being naughty. He didn't percieve that command as something to take seriously, but as just another part of the scene (the roleplay). During the scene, this felt very uncomfortable and weird to me. I was on the verge of ending the scene multiple times. The touching wasn't intimate in any way. Just on whatever bodypart was closest to him (arm, leg etc). Still, I didn't like it.

Seen in hindsight, I probably should have used a codeword (yellow/pink) to properly communicate how I felt about that. However at the time I was afraid he'd get a serious sub drop or similar depressive reaction of I stopped or ended the scene in such a abrupt manner. I think I should perhaps learn to become more selfish.

Afterwards
After the party ended, I ended up comming with him to his hotel so we could talk some more. I felt responsible for his wellbeing, seeing as we'd just played, and didn't want to let him go without ensuring that he was ok. I was not the least bit afraid of him. He was completely harmless, way to insecure and delicate to in any way wish to harm me. We talked for another hour and a half, and then I went home.

Today, I recieved an e-mail from him thanking me for a great night and expressing a wish to see me again. I responded, letting him know that I enjoyed myself and would indeed like to get to know him better. However, I was very clear on the subject of further playing: I doubt we'll ever play again. I won't rule it out completely, but I really don't want him to have any illusions that we might somehow become play partners.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Anal

T and I had a great evening yesterday. After dinner, we wached part of a movie called "Dirty Diaries". It was a gift from B at our birthday (or Christmas? I can't remember), and it's 12 short movies. It's feminist porn meets art. A couple of them were definitly more art than porn, but some were really cool. We stopped the film about halfway through and went into the bedroom to have sex.

A few people in an online community I'm a member of have been mentioning DP lately. DP = Double penetration. I wasn't sure what the big fuss was about, but it's been a long time since we've done anything anal, so I figured we could try it out.

Getting the but plug inside me went surprisingly well. I lubed myself up, put a condom on the plug and lubed it well, then started pushing it in. About half-way I had to stop, to let the muscles get used to it. T held a vibrator to the base of the plug, which was a great help. Somehow, vibrations make it feel less uncomfortable and I avoided that burning, aching feeling almost entirely. Slowly, I got it almost all the way in, but the last half of a centimeter just wouldn't go in without it hurting. And if it's hurting, you're doing it wrong. So after trying for a while, I took the blug back out and put more lube on it. That did the trick. I was able to push it all the way in with very little trouble. T was wonderfully patient and helpful, which made me relax more and not get stressed. I always worry that I'm boring him, when I do stuff that takes a bit of time.

Perhaps I've misunderstood something, but we tried him fucking me whilst I had the but plug up my ass. That worked out well enough, after some fumbling, but the base of the butplug got a bit in the way. He was completely unable to figer me, as long as it was in me. Fucking was possible, in certain positions, but I'm not sure there was that much of a difference to either of us. I'm just not sure if it's worth all the work and fumbling. Though I'm definitly not complaining. I came twice. *grin*

Afterwards, I took the plug out and we tried regular anal (with his dick). We were able to get it in, but I was getting a bit sore and it didn't do much for him, so we stopped and instead just had regular sex. And that was very nice too. :)

I was a bit tense, it felt a bit odd and I have no routies on how to do it. So it wasn't the best of circumstances, I suppose. Still, the but plug did on occation feel somewhat nice (which is more than I've gotten out of it the previous times I've tried). The vibrations, especially, but then I'm a sucker for vibrators. I definitly see the potential of anal being very nice, we just haven't worked out how to do that yet. Perhaps a vibrating but plug up my ass combined with a vibrator (like my beloved Stubby) in my pussy? I don't feel like trying it out anytime soon, but perhaps sometime is the future.

Too much time on my hands

Corvus and I met up about a week ago, to talk things over. That helped. A lot. Knowing I wouldn't loose him entirely, even if we wouldn't be playing anymore, was a great comfort. Also, it was great simply to know that he was doing ok. We agreed that we needed to take things slow, but he wasn't averse to the idea of starting to play again sometime in the future. Having that to look forward to, in stead of just cutting everything out of my life, also helped.

Still, being so suddenly without a play partner has had an inpact on me. I'm a lot less motivated to participate in munches and parties in the BDSM scene. I don't have the energy or interest of trying to catch someone new. I was what we had, or barring that I don't really want anything. I've been to a cruising party, but all I did was walk around and watch. I left early. Tonight, I'm going to an all-girls party. There's a lot of people I know, so I guess it'll be cool seeing them again. But I'm not feeling terribly excited about it. :/

As I'm not participating in the local BDSM scene, nor meeting up with Corvus privately, I suddenly have a lot more time on my hands. Much of that time is spent with T, which has been good for both of us. However, T has other stuff to do so he isn't always home. And besides, if we were always sitting on top of eachother it would drive us both mad. :P

So I would have liked to have SOMETHING to do during weekdays. My days feel so empty now, they're all the same. I work, I go shopping, I go home, I wach TV, I make dinner for myself or for the both of us. Then I play Dragon Age on our Playstation, read or spend time online until it's time to go to bed. I sleep, I get up, I go to work. And for most days in the week, that would be just fine. Corvus was my hobby, because BDSM was my hobby. With him gone, and me loosing interest in the BDSM community (temporarily, I hope), there's very little left for me to occupy my time.

Sure, I have other things that I enjoy doing. Like playing tabletop roleplay. However, it's not happening often enough to be that kind of hobby. Before, ever Tuesday I knew where I'd be. Now I don't. Perhaps I'll feel like going to the occational much sometime soon, but without someone to play with it just isn't the same.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Philosophical musing: Breaking and self-harm

For many years I've advocated that for some people, breaking down into tears and crying while engaged in BDSM play is beneficial. For me it certainly has been. It's a form of release, where physical pain becomes the trigger to also release emotional pain and stress. I still believe firmly that for some people, this is positive. The fact that I've experienced it as positive is enough to make that statement true.

However, I've recently started thinking of a way where breaking can be used in a negative manner. A manner very similar to what I was talking about before, but which takes the "self-medication" value and brings it to a new extreme. I'm not sure if this is what I experienced with Corvus, and helped him do to himself, just before and after Christmas... But it does have certain signs. Specifically, I'm talking about self-harm.

From Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-harm
Self-harm is also apparent in high-functioning individuals who have no underlying clinical diagnosis. The motivations for self-harm vary and it may be used to fulfill a number of different functions. These functions include self-harm being used as a coping mechanism which provides temporary relief of intense feelings such as anxiety, depression, stress, emotional numbness and a sense of failure or self-loathing.
(...)
As well as defining self-harm in terms of the act of damaging one's own body, it may be more accurate to define self-harm in terms of the intent, and the emotional distress that the person is attempting to deal with.


Just to have it clear: I have never purposfully broken the skin of anyone. Nor have I ever hurt anyone to the extent where you could see significant strain on the skin, like skabs or very serious bruising. Sure, there's been bruises, but nothing akind to what I see other BDSM people submitting themself or others to.

However, from the definition of self harm it is something hurtfull you put yourself through in an attempt to temporarily relieve yourself of emotional stress, depression etc. And isn't that exactly what breaking does too? Isn't that exactly what I said was so GOOD about being made to cry during a BDSM scene in my first paragraph? I think these are eerily similar. Have I assisted Corvus in doing harm to himself?!?

On the other hand, lots of other potentially dangerous things are done as a form of stress relief. Basejumping comes to mind... Motorcycle racing.... Going to a football match and screaming at the oposing team and their supporters... Working out until you can barely stand upright... All these can also be said to be potentially dangerous, hurtfull or both. And all may be used as a way to relieve emotional stress and such.

In the end, I think all these methods of relief relate to the release of hormones. Endorphines, adrenaline or whatever they're all called. (I'm no biochemist. :P )What gives you a kick or a feeling of joy when your heart is racing and you're doing something your instincts tell you that you shouldn't. And then you go ahead and do it anyway.

What differentiates self-harm from all these others is perhaps that it is "harm". Not "hurt" or "endanger" but simple, destructive "harm". It is destroying in stead of building. Perhaps.. I'm really not sure. (I'm no psycologist either. :P ) I guess I just don't know enough about this area to really be able to answer my own questions. Perhaps someone else out there can?