Wednesday, December 22, 2010

What comes around goes around

A lot has happened in December. Corvus and I have played a lot. We keep exploring the world of crossdressing. He's re-discovering sides of himself that he probably knew at one point, but repressed years ago. I'm glad I can help him become more comfortable in his own skin, and get to know himself better.

A couple of weeks ago, I stayed at his house for a night. It's been a long time in comming. He's got cats, which I'm allergic to. That evening wasn't so bad, as long as I stayed in the relative cat free bedroom. However, the next day was not good at all. I'm not going to spend the night there often, that's for sure. I guess that's just as well, since I this time managed to break his bed. Just imagine what I could do if I came by more often. :P

We've spent several entire afternoons together, mostly in the back of the car. I'm feeling much more comfortable when I'm with him now. We know eachother so well, and know we can rely on eachother whenever we need support. There's been a lot of stress in December, and it's been very nice to have another person to go to for support. Being held, having him give me a massage, letting playing with him distract me from everyday worries... It's a great form of stress relief.

T is my first priority. Although I've grown to care about Corvus a great deal more than I thought I would, he can't ever take T's place. In my life, they hold two very different, very distinct positions. Each has it's "use", each is important to me, but they can't replace eachother. It just wouldn't work.

It's as if I was some kind of machine, with T as my regular power supply. Corvus is like a spare battery, giving me that extra boost when I need it. Getting some of what I need from Corvus also enables me to better support T in turn. What goes around comes around, you might say. So although December has been hectic for both T and I, I feel we've come out of it in better shape than we could have. Because we've not drained eachother completely dry, and instead relied on others to take part of the strain. I'm not sure this is an ideal solution in any way, but it's worked well enough.

It's a matter of balance, though. The moment T and I stop relying on eachother entirely, the relationship would start to die. We are eachother's closest support system, eachother's better half, and that's the way I want us to continue. We just have to be aware that it is a balace. I'm so looking forward to over a week of hollidays with T, traveling together and visiting family. We need this time together, after these last few months filled with stress and strain. It will be nice.

Monday, December 6, 2010

T and I: A ratio of 2:2

T and I went to a cruising party on Saturday. Corvus couldn't come, but I managed to amuse myself even so. Along with two other girls, I "attacked" a nice guy whom I've talked with a bit previously. I read his profile on Fetlife and got intrigued, and that's why I wanted to try him out. However, I quickly noticed that I couldn't get the connection I wanted. We were simply too many people involved. So I backed off in favor of one of the other girls. Later, after they had finished, I tried playing with him again. It was fairly ok. We were both tired, so I didn't get him down as far as I would have liked. Still, it was a nice way of getting to know him.

Inbetween the two attempts with this other guy, I got a bit involved with a couple I've known for a while. They both switch, but tonight she was the sub. They've wanted me involved in their playing for a few weeks, so they were very pleased when I asked to join them. He'd already made her nice and hot, and she makes the most beautiful sounds when she gets spanked. I spanked her a bit, fingered her a bit, fondled her a bit, grabbed her hair and said nice things to her. I gave her an orgasm and I made her cry a bit. That was my goal, and so I'm fairly pleased with that. However, she didn't break down properly, she only cried for a few minuters. Will have to work on that in the future.

Playing with a guy who wasn't Corvus felt really weird. Except from grabbing ahold of Winnie from time to time, Corvus is the only one I've played with these last few months. This other guy recated differently, more vocally, and enjoyed different things. Given a choice, I much prefer Corvus, probably because he's known. Familiar. And I can much easier read his body language, play his emotions and his body like a musical instrument. And I trust him soooo much more. I'm looking forward to Tuesday when Corvus and I will play again, just us. It's going to be nice (at least for me...).

At the party, T had played a bit with a woman I'm naming Flower. She lives an hour outside of Oslo, so once before she slept at our place after a party. I suggested she'd come home with us again, and she accepted. I knew T would probably want to play more with her in the privacy of our own home. Although she's nice and sexy and such, I was simpy too tired to get involved. Once home, I told them both how I felt, wished them luck, and went to bed.

The next morning.. Well.. Afternoon.. I found out that they'd gone to bed sometime after 8am. Flower took her time getting out the door, and T took advantage of her procrastination. He grabbed onto her breasts, fondled them, pinched them and made her moan and scream. I sat in the other end of the couch, waching them. Listening to her turned me on, and I knew T was enjoying himself tremendously. They finished off with her giving him a blowjob. He came and she swallowed. I'm impressed by her stamina and tenacity. Apparently, she'd done it that previous night as well.

After she'd left, I told T that waching them turned me on. I asked him if he'd be willing to finger me to an orgasm, and we went into the bedroom. Two orgasms later, I was feeling much more relaxed. The last orgasm was weird. I sometimes start giggling after I've come, incontrollably. I'm used to that. But somehow, something T said made me laugh out loud. Uncontrollably. For quite some time. It was very weird and I kept loosing my breath. It wasn't uncomfortable in any way, but not something I wish to repeat either. It just felt really weird.

So that's what the title is about. As opposed to last weekend with Corvus, this time T got two orgasms and I got two. We are equals, so it's only fair. And I do love how he does it. He's gooood.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

A ratio of 3:1

Again, I haven't updated the blog in a while and lots of stuff has happened. Last weekend, we went to a private party at the BDSM club. Afterwards, I brough corvus home with me while T was staying at DW's house. Then followed (or, more precicely, continued) a long weekend of playing. We did so much, there's no way I can catch it all in this blog. What I remember the best are these things:

Sitting on top of him, partially lying down, holding him so he can't get loose. He's struggling, but has to give in to me.
The butterfly nipple clamps, again and again. He's getting sooo sore, and yet loving it.
Making him touch me, taste me. Sitting on his face, putting my boobs in his mouth, taking his hand and placing it between my legs. His insecure, gentle and yet so responsive and alert touch. Responding to my every move, my every word, my every sound. Teaching. I love teaching.
Putting plastic clamps on his balls and watching him squirm and moan. Eventually he broke. (Not my plan, but I saw it happening and rolled with it.) One day, I will make him scream in main. Preferably behind a gag.
Cuddling after a long night of playing, falling asleep on his arm.
Continuing playing long into the morning and afternoon the next day, at any time being able to grab him.
Comming, three times. Once from him fingering me (with some help from a vibrator on the clit) and twice with the stubby (while he was sucking and cuddling my nipples).
Him comming once. I like the 3:1 ratio.

The rest of that Sunday, I walked on clouds. I was in a comfortable, fuzzy daze. Very, very nice. The effect even remained partially into Monday, too.

On Tuesday and Wednesday we met again, and both days we were going to the BDSM club. Tuesday for a munch and Wednesday for a bondage munch. Both evenings, we ended up in the back of the car, and we stayed there for waaay longer than we should have. Got to bed after 1:15am both days. It took it's toll, but it was fun. Worth it, I think.

I've come to realise that I trust corvus more than I thought I'd ever trust a plaything. He's more than just a plaything, though. He's a friend, a confidante. If we'd actually had sex, I'd call him a lover. I enjoy spending time with him and over the last few months we've gotten to know eachother fairly well. I trust him enough that I'd be willing to switch with him, if T had let me. Corvus is a switch with a growing dominant side. I've just started discussing this with T, but we having concluded anything. For now there is no doubt that I remain the Dominant one, and that doesn't bother me. I love being on top.

The recurring themes these days have been nipple play and crossdressing. Both turn him on, both scare him a bit.. And so I enjoy doing both. The crossdressing isn't a turn on for me, but his REACTIONS to the crossdressing certainly are. And I keep finding things he doesn't wish to do... There's just so much material to work on!

It's all good. :)

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Kinks

After the previous blog entry, corvus finally gave me permision to be more explisit when I talk about his fetishes. So I will now spill the beans: He has a big fetish for corsets and high heels, both wearing and seeing others wear. Mostly, or so he says, because they are both restrictive. He also has a thing for cross dressing, which didn't come as much of a surprise to me seeing as he already loved corsets and heels. He's fairly comfortable with his kinks when he's on his own, alone. However, showing them off to others is a whole other matter. My goal is to be able to make him enjoy wearing women's clothes at a BDSM party. And I believe that goal to be 100% obtainable. From feeling apprehensive and a bit embarassed when other people see him wearing a corset, to now being able to thoroughly enjoy wearing women's underwear in my presence.. He's already come a long way. I'm proud of him.

Two weeks ago, we went to a cruising party. I had him wear women's panties and pantyhose underneath his regular clothing. Even though it wasn't visible, that's still a first for him. Another first was forcing him to wear women's shoes (pumps with high heels) at the club. Only when we were hidden away in a dark corner, shaded by a partially see-through curtain.. No one had a chance of actually spotting the shoes. Still, he was incredibly nervous and embarassed. He did it, though. I'm very pleased about that.

Every time he's been made to do something relating to his kinks for the first time, he's felt awfull. Embarassed, nervous, not wanting to do it at all. However, already the second time around he's been more comfortable with it. To the point where he's now getting a serious hard-on when I force him into women's panties. So it is my hope that next time I make him wear heels at the club, he'll be more comfortable with it. And eventually he'll enjoy it. Then it's time to stretch him further. And so it goes. Eventually, he'll not only handle being cross dressed at the club, he'll come to enjoy it.

After the cruising party, I brough him back home with me. As T was away, I had him sleep on a mattress on the floor by the end of the bed. I tied him securly, but loosely enough that he might turn around and such.

Sometimes during that weekend, can't exactly remember when, I sat on his face and had me lick me. Not for long, mainly to make him used to the idea. However, it was awsome, wonderful and just simply nice. I will certainly have him do that again sometime soon.

So that was one weekend. The next weekend, that is one week ago, T and I relaxed at home. No party, no nothing. We had sex, and it was very nice. It's been a while, because two weeks ago he was away (in Trondheim), and three weeks ago I was away (in Bergen). I love those lazy mornings with him, when we can simply spend time together and be good to one another.

The last couple of weeks, T has started playing with another woman. I'll name her DW. She's a cute submissive who lets him fondle, spank and fuck her. I'm happy he finally has someone to play with too. It isn't fair that I'm the only one to play with someone else. Besides, she's kinda hot.. I enjoy waching him with her. Guess I'm quite a voyeur. :P

On Friday, I went to the movies with B. While I was away, DW and T had some time alone at home. She stayed the night, and although I was fairly tired and spend most of the time asleep, I still got to see them play a bit. It was fun, I hope to see it again.

Saturday, I went to a fetish party with corvus. It was fun. A lot of nicely dressed people, fairly nice music (if too loud).. We had a fun time. We played a bit, because we needed a break from the loud music and it seemed he needed it. We discovered, however, that what he really needed was affection and for someone to hold him. So we left the party sometime after 2:20am and went to play in the car instead. There, I beat him 'till he started crying and then held him while he emptied himself. At 5 am, he drove me home. I'm hoping this will have helped him relieve some of the tention and anxiety he's been dragging around this past week. I truly want what's best for him.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Humiliation nation

Played with Corvus yesterday. Decided last week that it was time to humiliate him again. It's been a while, and I think of pain, pleasure and humiliation as a holy trio of BDSM. There's been lots of pain and pleasure, because we both enjoy that so much, but humiliation also has it's uses.

So I gave a couple of hints during the last few days, and they were strangely effectful. By the time we actually met up yesterday, he was pretty fucked up. Very nervous about what I'd do to him, mostly because he'd let his imagination run amok. He knew, rationally, that he could trust me to not push him too far.. But his emotions weren't listening to reason.

Tuesday arrived, and after having eated and taken a shower each, we drove out. I'd already teased him a bit, using items he's got a fetish for, teasing his nipples and such. His nipples have turned crazily senstitive lately, something I'm taking full advantage of. On the way home, I'd gotten an all-clear on humiliation. It isn't, in itself, a big turn on for him. But he trusts me and doesn't mind me doing it occationally. As it turned out, he was more turned on by it all than I'd expected.

Arrived at our destination, a monstly empty parking lot, I started using his fetishes against him. Last time I did that, he got incredibly embarassed already from the get go. This time, however, he was mostly just turned on. So I upped the ante, pushed the fetishes a bit further and finally got the response I was looking for: He was looking down and away, refusing to meet my gaze. A slight reddening of the cheeks, a posture that formally screamed "don't look at me, I just want to disappear". Though even after pulling out all the stops, he still wasn't as far "down" mentally as he was the last time I played with this fetish.

I think it's a matter of habituation. And trust. I'd done something similar, if not that extreme, to him before. And it's been a few weeks since then, and we've gotten to know eachother better. Trust eachother more. It's a good thing, but it also makes pushing him that far down into humilation a lot harder. I have to become more creative, perhaps using his ability to unhinge himself... It seemed to work well this time.

After I was done humiliating him in that way, even having him walk around outside the car (in the dark, with practically no one around, so very safe), it was time for phase two. I'd decided beforehand that I'd try to get into his ass that day. He was ready for that step. And so he was, and so I did. He took to it right away. A bit of tongue work, nibbling and licking, to make him turned on and relaxed, and in I went. (I'd ofcourse brough gloves and lube.)

He enjoyed it. Ocourse he felt it was a bit odd, and ofcourse it was rather intense.. But he'd been up that way before, using a but plug, so he wasn't a complete virgin. I see that as a good thing. While I was doing this, he was partially tied up and still using fetish items. Once I started jerking him off, a finger up his ass, there was very little he could do about it.

Getting him to come still took a long time. A couple of breaks along the way when he got sore and tired, but I always started him up again. I kept on going, though it wouldn't have bothered me that much to be unsuccesfull. I've only done it to him once before, after all. After turning off the lights, to make the situation a bit easier on him, and pushing a second finger up his ass... I made him come.

I then dipped my finger into the sperm and made him lick it off, again and again 'till he'd eated most of it. Just to underline the point that he is mine. Mine to use, and abuse if I wish it. Mine to satisfy, humiliaty and hurt. Or in this case a lot of both... I worked his dick really hard for a long time, and he got very, very sore. As a matter of fact, he's still sore. So this time, his orgasm wasn't that much for his pleasure. It was for mine, for the power of having him do it. For the fun, for me. And it was always perfectly clear who was in control.

And I loved doing it.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Yet another thing

Yet another thing I'd forgotten to document: Tuesday almost two weeks ago, I played with Winnie. A bit of bondage, some not-so-hard spanking and some breath control. I wasn't planing on the breath control, but noticed he started breathing heavily anytime I got close to his mouth. So I asked, he said it was ok, and I did it. And it really, really turned him on. So that was fun. :) Didn't push any boundaries or anything, just nice and easy.

After I'd untied him, he stayed small and quiet for at least a couple of minutes. That's an accomplishment I'm very pleased with, as he's usually very cocky. Your typica naughty sub, joking and teasing just about everyone, in the hope that someone will take him firmly in hand. While I understand the reasons behind his behavior, it sometimes gets a bit annoying. So when I finally was able to get him down, all quiet and subservient, it felt very nice.

We talked quite a bit afterwards. It's very rewarding the way he trusts me. He doesn't trust easily.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Chasing down the prey

I forgot to mention something in my last entry. I played with Corvus on the 12th of October too. And I finally got him to come. That was fun, another point checked off on my to-do list.

On Friday, I played with Corvus again. Like most times we play these days, it's in the back of his car. It's got six attachement points in the floor as well as four (I think) high on the walls. It's got light. It's even got heat, which is an absolute must now that winter has arrived. On the floor is a carpet, and on top of that is a thin matrass. The latest additions are two blankets. Sure, it could have been bigger. But concidering the fact that we're playing in the back of a car, it's pretty damn awsome.

But I digress, what I wanted to talk about was what happened the next day. Saturday, there was a party at the BDSM club. T wanted me to go as a submissive for once. Partially because it's been a while since we've done anything like that, and partially to show the other people there that we're actually a couple. Because so far, we've not done much with eachother while we've been there.

I had just come down with a cold and was feeling rather tired from the past two weeks of work, so unfortunately I wasn't up for much playing. However, I don't always need the play either, so I didn't really mind. I can feel my whole attitude changing when I get the collar on, regardless of wether we're in a session or not. And apparently, other people notice this change in me too. I got a couple of comments. It felt nice to just be a sub, not having to decide or boss people around for once.

There was a woman there, whom I'm naming L. L is about my size, but with larger boobs. She's a bit older than me, and obviously more experienced. She's bisexual, and we've traded a few complements and such before. She and T hadn't really talked much, but when he saw how fascinated she was by me, he wanted to take advantage of it. Long story short, we ended up spending at least a couple of hours on the couch up in the attic. L, T and I. She went down on me, and she was really, really good at it. T fingered both me and her. I went down on T, and she even helped out a little. None of us came, because we were distracted from the talk and merriment that went on downstairs. But it was highly enjoyable even so. She seemed pleased with the experience, and I don't think it'll be that hard to make her do it again.

When we got home, T and I talked a little about L and what had happened. This isn't the first time we've shared a woman, but it doesn't happen often. We both love it. Chasing her down is a challenge, the teamwork is fun and the sex is ofcourse highly enjoyable. And I feel that as we share the experience it brings us closer together. I like that.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Emotional rollercoaster

Out of the blue, I've suddenly landed a job. Just a two week engagement, but still it is work. This means I've completely forgotten to blog.

So instead of telling you all about what's been going on lately, I'll just link to Mondage's logg entry on Fetlife. If you haven't registered at Fetlife yet, it's certainly about time you did so. Here's the link. And just as a teaser: It's about a kidnapping. And it was awsome.

In other news, I've also had a fairly big fight with Mondage. I knew it was comming sooner or later, but it still hurt. I don't know what consequences it will have yet. Time will show.

What is worse is that the fight with Mondage affected Corvus in a way I really hadn't forseen. He must have somehow felt hit by what I said to Mondage, without actually knowing enough about our previous conversations and fights to get a proper context. Mondage has actually handled the fight WAY better than Corvus have. Which is strangely illogical, as I was never fighting with Corvus. He was just being a mediator, a middle man, supporting both of us and giving us the opportunity to talk things through.

So Corvus has pulled back from me and seems to be at a low point in his life, emotionally and selfconfidence-wise at least. And I can't support him through it, because he doesn't want me to. We've had some contact, but I feel that he's inches away from cutting me off all together. I have no clue what's happened, and I feel very sad and stressed out about it. The couple of months I've spent playing with Corvus has been great!!! I'm really afraid of loosing him to something like this, especially when in this case I'd be loosing him to something I did. I'm not sure what I did, but I did something. It hurts and confuses me, and at the same time I know he's hurting too. I just don't know how to help him make it better. I care for him and want him to be allright.

So yeah. Sad, confused. Aching to help, but don't know how. AND busy with work for the first time in months, so I have no time or energy to actually fix it.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

A recomendation

I just wanted to recomend this site: http://malesubmissionart.com/
Over the few years it's excisted, it's gather a LARGE amount of pictures that all in some way display the human male submitting. There are both gay and heterosexual pictures, both photos and painting/drawings. All the pictures come with an explanation for why they have been chosen, and I love reading the different takes on what male submission can be.

If you enjoy male submission, you'll love this site. :)

Old picture


Was cleaning up my phone, and found this one. It's from the session I did with Mondage in the woods. Looks like he's enjoying himself. :)

Bondage pictures

Decorative bondage:


Closeup. (Have tried turning it, but it doesn't seem to work.)

Low intensity

The last week has been odd. Corvus hasn't been in a submissive mode at all, and I haven't been able to push him into it. We talked it over and concluded that it was probably just a play-overdose. We've done SO much in the last month-and-a-half, I think it's been a bit much for him.

So we decided to slow things down a bit, and it seems to have worked well. Not only in terms of how often we play, but more importantly the intensity and the activities I put him through. I've gone back a few steps in terms of what I'm exposing him to, not pushing any new limits for the last week. And that's worked out well. We did some light bondage and fetish-play on Friday and again a bit more bondage tonight. Tonight we were getting more into a sub-dom-mentality, and I liked that. I would have handled it if he hadn't been in sub-mode too, but I enjoy seeing him giving up control to me. And it seems as though he enjoys it too. We'll continue taking things slow for at least another week, I think. Then we'll see where we are.

While we haven't played much, he's quite excited about a little project I have. He's been a lot more engaged than I'd expected him to be, and generally has been a great help. I'll probably talk more about that next week sometime.

In other news: T surprised me with sex on Sunday morning. Very enjoyable. :)

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Humiliation and chastity

Blogging seems to be more and more like a chore these days. However, I do it anyway because I know I'll want this documentation later on. It's valuable to be able to look back and say "Look! This is how I thought back then, and this is what I did. This is how I felt". Besides, the blogs I've made my playthings write are very valuable to me, as it gives me insight into their minds. I learn things I probably wouldn't have found out otherwise, as I see things more from their perspective. So I continue writing.

Friday:
Met up with Corvus at the party. Noticed straight away that something was wrong. Made him talk to me about it. He wasn't in the mood for a party with a lot of happy people. He was introvert, stressed, tired and just felt really uncomfortable there. He showed me a text he'd written before going to the party, where he asked for a beating. A beating that would make him break down and cry. I suggested we leave soon, head back to my place and give him what he wanted. Although he was very sceptical, he eventually agreed. He has a thing for corsets, so I had him help me into mine and lace me in, to see if that might snap him out of his black mood. It didn't help one bit, he was unresponsive and passive. We eventually left the party, just over 90 minutes after we'd gotten there.

Back home, he layed down on the bed. I talked to him for a bit and noticed that he was shivering from a lot of emotions held in too tight. I realised subtility wouldn't be of any use, so I had him remove his pants and then spanked him. Hard. I mostly used a big wooden spoon. It didn't take many minutes until the dam broke. I'd expected him to fall asleep once he'd finished crying, but on the contrary he seemed to perk up. After a bit of talking, we ended up doing more playing. Mostly pain-related, as that was my intended "theme" for the evening. But with bits of pleasure interspersed, so as to keep him off balance.

Saturday:
He slept here from Friday to Saturday, tied to the bed. Never had anyone tied to the bed before, not for a whole night, and so I made sure he'd be able to get out on his own. The next morning, we did some more playing, but not much as he needed to leave.

Saturday evening, T was going to a party and Corvus would be comming over to my place again. He arrived quite late, around 10pm, I think. I then tied him up and used him as a footrest for a while. It was interesting enough, but not something I'll do every time. After tying him in a more comfortable position on the floor in front of the couch, we proceded to wach the movie Secretary, as he hadn't seen it before.

Afterwards, I spent quite some time humiliating him in various ways. It's strange how he gives every impression of loathing what I do to him and how small I make him feel... And yet afterwards he tells me it was good and that he enjoyed it. It just doesn't make sense to me. Also, when the sub gets down so far that he becomes nothing more than an object, I'm somewhat at loss on what to do next. I know which buttons to press to get him down there, to a state where he'll let me do practically anything to him and where he has very little will or initiative of his own.. But once he's down there, what am I to do with him?

Part of the enjoyment of what I do, wether it's pleasure or pain, is the subs will rebelling against me. Not an active rebellion ofcourse (I get a bit annoyed at subs that act out constantly), but a presence behind the eyes that lets me know there is still a concious, thinking, reasoning human in there. And that presence, that spirit, will only be pused so far so fast. Outbalancing that sense of self enough that I can get away with pushing on the boundaries, and yet not enough that it'll shut down and stop playing... That's an art. And it's something I love doing.

The truly humiliated sub, as least as I've encountered it in my playthings, has very little will to do anything. Certainly not rebel against me. He is just passive, waiting on my will. This state of mind is a very, very powerful tool that I'm sure I could use for something. I just haven't figured out for what purpose yet.

Anyhow, once I was done humiliating him, I tied him up and started using pleasure as a tool in stead. He hadn't been alowed to come since Tuesday. I have a goal of one day making him come with me present, and this is partially to work towards that goal. (Though ofcourse there are also other reasons for giving such instructions.) Anyhow, I got him as turned on as he's ever been, without comming. So horny he couldn't lie still, and even once bit his own arm as a way of staving off the hornyness. He eventually grew tired, so we stopped for the night. Again, he slept tied down.

Sunday:
The next morning, I did it again. I made him that turned on. It's fun, this power it gives me. I gave him two new orders. One on his request. Not sure I feel about him requesting such things from me, and me agreeing to them. Perhaps I should be stricter? But then, he DOES present some fairly good ideas. I won't ignore them, just because they're comming from him. At least as long as I feel that my domination of him is fairly stable and secure. He requested that he be made to have with him certain objects that he has a fetish for whenever he's at home. He'd be likely to do it anyway, but it comming from me made it stronger and enforced the insentive to actually do it.

The instruction I gave him was met with a mixture of dread and desire. I told him that at least once per day he would make himself as turned on as he'd been when he was with me that day. He would enjoy it, but he would not come. This is, ofcourse, a way to make his forced celebacy more difficult.

Corvus has a strong sense of duty and I knew he'd do his very best to do as I told him. That's why his blog entry for Sunday, which I just recieved per e-mail, surprised me a fair bit. Apparently, he came that day. He claims it was an accident. It made him feel guilty and sad and it wasn't actually pleasurable, because he knew he wasn't supposed to do it.

I'm uncertain about how to handle this situation. In everything I've asked him to do, Corvus has been dutiful and comitted, almost to a fault. I have two posible ways of thinking about this:

Either, he's telling me the full truth. In which case he's already beating himself up over this far worse than what I could ever do to him. If he's telling the truth, all he needs is some form of formal punishment. Mild enough that he can take it, but harsh enough that it feels like actual punishment and not just more playing. It would make him feel better, as he would feel he'd done some sort of attonement. Thus it would clean away some of his guilt, and time will have to do the rest. There is little I can do.

Or, he's not telling me the full truth. The truth could for example be that he made a concious (or semi-concious) decition to come. Even though he knew he wasn't supposed to. Because he was so turned on and he wanted to. It may or may not have been pleasurable, that isn't the point. Afterwards, he felt guilty. And so he confessed.

This has two possible implications. Either, he's just unable to ressist temptation. Or he is unwilling to follow my instructions, or at least some of my instructions. If the first is the case, then it could easily be solved with some sort of chastity device. But honestly, I don't expect him, a man of 36, to have urges that strong. If he'd been 18, it would have been another matter entirely. If the second is the case, namely that he doesn't want to follow my instructions... Then we have a problem. A big problem. Because that would mean that he had an issue with my command and didn't voice it, didn't talk to me about it. Lack of communication is VERY serious in my book. (Or that the whole submissive thing is a sham and he's only been pretending all along. Which frankly just isn't possible. I know him better than that.)

So if he wasn't perfectly honest with me, and I do find out somehow, we'll probably have to talk it over. I'd have to hear his reasons and such, not only for disregarding my instructions, but for being less than completely truthfull about it. I don't know what I'd do, if this was the case. Depends on his resons, I suppose.

Honestly, I trust Corvus. I trust that he's being truthful and not holding anything back. And so we're back at the first scenario I outlined. I better start thinking about possible punishments. Corporal punishment will certainly be part of it, but he's able to handle that so well. On it's own, it isn't punishing enough. So I need to think of something else too...

On a side note: I really want to get myself a cane. Oh, and I want more clothes pins. Preferably made for sadism, meaning that they are ajustable (typically with a screw) and that they "bite" in the very front. Though I can make due with regular clothes pins for now.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Collaring

This week is rather intense.

Monday: Social meeting at a BDSM organisation for students and young people (people under 40-ish).

Tuesday: The usual social meeting at the local BDSM club, same as every tuesday. Every second Tuesday is open to everyone, and once per month the open café does an introductory speech to inform newcommers about rules and such. I brought with me two newbies I'd met at the munch outside of Oslo last week, as well as one guy from the meeting on Monday. They all seemed to have a good time.

Wednesday and Thursday I've spent playing Red Dead Redemption on our new Playstation 3, cooking, doing laundry and other housewively chores and hangig out with T.

Tomorrow, Friday, it's Members Night at the BDSM club. That's almost like a party, but the bar doesn't serve alcohol (you may bring your own) and you have to arrive between 8pm and 8:30pm. That is so that no one has to man the door all night. From what I've heard, there's a lot of playing and such going on. So I'm looking forward to that.

Satuday evening, the BDSM club hosts a Coctail Party. T, my fiancee, is probably going to attend that party. That means I have the house to myself. I'll spend the evening and night playing with Corvus. It'll be so nice to have several hours with him where we're not just crammed into his car.

That's for plans and such. But I didn't say much about what happened on Monday and Tuesday. Ofcourse, I had Corvus with me. And ofcourse we played a bit. The most important thing that happened was on Monday: I took Corvus out shopping. And he bought me something, on the agreement that I would use it occationally when playing with him. It's the first time a submissive has actually bought me anything expensive. It felt odd, but nice too. Anyhow, Corvus has got a fetish for certain things, and it's so fun to stimulate that fetish. His reactions are just wonderful to see. And taking him out shopping for it was fun. He hasn't alowed himself to enjoy the fetish so openly out in public before, I think.

Last week, I bought Corvus a present, as I knew it was his birthday this week. I bought him his own collar. I've used my "generic collar" on him once, but what I always ment to be a generic collar is too strongly associated with Mondage. So it isn't generic, it's Mondage's. Even though we never concidered it as such when we used to play. Anyhow, Corvus liked that I used a collar of my own choosing on him. And I enjoyed the consept, although it didn't feel quite right to me then because of that particular collar.

So anyhow, I bought a collar for Corvus. And on Tuesday, I had him kneel before me as I collared him with it for the first time. I've used collars on him before, but this one is special because it was selected by me to be his. Given by me. I told him that he should always bring it whenever he came to see me. He didn't have to wear it all the time, but it should be with him.

He wore it that entire night, at the BDSM club. And underneath his clothes, he also wore a full body harness that I'd made on him earlier. We left the club early, to have an hour or so of playtime at home. Once we were done, and he was very horny but also very tired, I gave him perhaps the strictest order I've given him so far: He would not cum until further notice. He accepted it, as I felt fairly certain he would.

And to make that part just a hint harder on him, I sent him a text message today. Tonight, he's gone to bed with some of the items he's got a fetish for. He's also wearing leather cuffs locked to his wrists and ancles. I told him I wanted him to enjoy it. But not cum.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow, and especially to Saturday. I think this weekend is going to be fun.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

One strike, you're out? Apparently not..

So much happened Thursday evening and night that I don't really know how to tell it all. I guess I'll just start at the beginning.

It started out with Corvus and I going to a munch in another town, just outside of Oslo. It was nice enough, though very small and new compared to what I've gotten used to in Trondheim and Oslo proper. It was nice to bring Corvus along and make it obvious to people that he's mine. Somehow, that makes me proud.

On the way home, we stopped in a parking lot near a gas station. Again. That's become somewhat of a tradition, or at least a necessary habit. We talked and played for a couple of hours. I teased and prodded and mocked and hurt Corvus until he was as turned on as I've ever gotten him. And then I asked if he'd be willing to do practically anything I told him. And he said yes. However, he didn't have the presence of mind (I'd taken that from him) to really understand what he'd just said. I took a gamble, and I honestly thought it would work out. I honestly thought he was ready for it. But when I untied one of his hands and whispered in his ear that I wanted him to jerk off, the situation just collapsed.

He couldn't do it. I realised almost immediately that he'd gone into lock-down, but hoped I was wrong. Hoped that he was just being coy, playing at refusing. So I pushed him a bit, assuming I'd get a stop word if he wasn't actually playing. No stop word came, but I broke it off rather quickly anyway. And that was the beginning of over two hours of crying and talking and hugging.

It was tough, let me tell you. I've never made a large mistake with a sub before. Sure, minor things that I wish had gone in other directions, but I've never managed to completely kill the mood like that. Once I'd finished comforting him, talking him back up into equilibrium, and he didn't need me anymore.. The I broke down myself. There was nothing domininant left in me right then. I cried and I felt extremely vulnerable, ashamed and sorry. It felt as though I'd betrayed his trust. It was awful.

From how well he handled it, it seemed as though the situation was worse for me than for him. Though I don't know that for sure. He handled it really well, and he handled me really well too. He comforted me, held me and listened to me as I tried to talk myself back into my own equilibrium. I'd been rather high on emotions and such myself, so it was quite a drop. Is this what a Dom-Drop is like? I'm not sure how that term is used. Anyhow, it wasn't nice. I went through a rollercoaster of emotions, sad one moment and laughing the next. At one point I got really angry, at everything and nothing, but mostly at myself. Corvus alowed me to bite his arm, without questioning my intentions. Biting down and suddenly having to focus on someone else but me.. That helped, somehow. I appologized for everything, profundly and repeatedly, and he told me it was ok. That helped too.

We stepped outside of the car for a breath of fresh air. I was still shaky and unstable, but I could feel that I was slowly getting my old self back. Just like when you fall off a horse, I knew I couldn't just stop the night there and then. We needed to get back into play-mode again.

The most difficult then, for me, was getting over the fact that he'd seen me so vulnerable. Not many people have seen me cry (at least outside of LARPs and roleplays), and it had felt good to be held and comforted. Even by him. I voiced my worries, and he reassured me and told me it was ok. I'm human too, I should be alowed to make mistakes and be vulnerable. He accepted that.

Corvus was standing with his back to the car, and I was leaning up against him. It was one of those kissing moments, so I bit him. His neck. It felt like the logical thing to do. We played around a bit, nothing serious, just a bit of pinching, biting and tickling. He could tell I wasn't really back yet, but I tried anyway, and he let me. "Fake it 'till you make it" ought to be a motto of mine. It did work though. Slowly but surely, I got back on top.

That ends the first part of that evening and opens part two. In a way those are two separate sessions, done back-to-back. A playing marathon, you might call it.

Once we'd talked our way though my mistake and the trauma it caused, we were almost back to normal. I played with him for and hour or so, and at every milestone we passed, I thought "I ought to stop here, and be pleased with how fare we've come, concerning how fucked up things were. I can't risk another collapse".

However, I didn't stop. I kept on pushing: My hand outside his underwear, cupping his balls (and he continued having a hard on). Then inside the underwear. Letting him get used to that for a minute or two. Then, finally, longingly: His dick. Holding. Grasping. Stroking and caressing. And eventually, I was able to take his hand and place it there. Withdrawing my own, he was slowly stroking his dick on his own, me watching. It worked! He didn't go into lock-down, he didn't pull back from me or freak out. It was ok.

So I'd been right after all, he had been ready for it. However, I'd gone about it in the wrong manner. In making him take an active part, I gave him the opportunity to think, reflect and refuse. Even though what I said wasn't phrased as a request, he was still able to choose. And so he chose not to do it. Whilst the second time, he was never given that option. Slowly, taking baby steps, I pushed past his limits, one step never seeming that much different from the pervious one. Slowly, he got used to my touch. And eventually, I was able to do what I wanted.

I hadn't had a plan behind that hour of playing. Sure, I had a wish, but concerning how badly things had gone earlier that evening, I didn't have high hopes. One thing simply led to the other, and so everything worked out in the end. As we talked, one final hour or so, he didn't seem traumatized or shell-shocked. He was just like he always is after we've played. I take that as a good sign.

I learned a lot from this experience. Even though it was painful and scary, I think it was good for me. A necessary step in my dominant journey. As you learn, you evolve and grow, and that's how you get better at what you do.

Though I was terrifyed for a while, certain I'd ruined our relationship and his trust in me, it did turn out allright in the end. I'm hoping we'll grow stronger from this experience, as we've learned to know one another better. He's certainly seen sides of me that I never intended to show! Hopefully, there won't be any lasting emotional damage from the event for either of us, and we'll be able to move on. I'll know more when I see him again next week.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Successful re-negotiation

I e-mailed the "Just a dark mood?" entry to T, because I felt he ought to know about it beforehand and not just discover it online. That's why it wasn't published until today, although I wrote it a couple of days ago.

So today, we talked it over. I'm amazed at how well that went and how understanding and accommodating T is. I wanted more leeway with my toys, permission to do more things to them, to get more involved myself. And I wanted to talk over the already existing boundaries to get clear on what he thought wouldn't be ok and what I'd simply imagined that he wouldn't like.

I'd expected to have to fight, or at least argue for hours, to get even a bit more leeway. I'm not sure why I had such a horror scenario in my mind, I really have no reason to. T has always been very accommodating and understanding, has always allowed me to do what I really wanted. Sure, there have been limits, and there still are. But he lets me express this Dominant side of me freely, so I don't have to hide or feel ashamed. I love him already, but I love him even more for that.

End of the story is that a few hours of talking led to quite a new set of limits. This time, the agreement is twofold. One set of limits for what I may do with random people I decide to play with. And one set for Corvus, and theoretically for others whom I decide to enter a serious BDSM relationship with. I feel this is a very good arrangement. There are still a few sexual things that are reserved for T, and T alone. At least for now. I won't go into details. If you're curious, you can either ask me in person, or you can let me play with you and begin finding out... :P

This agreement enables me to fulfill some of my wildest dominant dreams and fantasies. But just because I may now do these things, it doesn't mean I'll actually do them. At least not anytime soon. I have been given the opportunity, the permission, which means that I'll be better equipped to make decisions on the go. I can practically stop worrying about what T might think of something, and instead focus on what I think. Do I think this is ok? Will the subject handle it? Will it be any fun? Those are the questions that ought to be in focus all the time, and finally they can be.

Thank you, T, for being the wonderful, understanding, accommodating, openminded man that you are. You are very easy to love.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Random

I sent Corvus a text message the other night. It instructed him to take a picture of his hand holding on to a steering wheel, lever or handle, between 11 and 12 in the day. And then e-mail me the picture.

Yes, it was fairly random, but it was fun. And he performed the task admirably.

Tuesday evening, when we'd gotten in the car and he was going to take me home and then drive home himself... I made him drive all the way without his pants on.

Yes, it was fairly random, but it was fun. And he performed the task admirably.

I like random. :) At least so long as it's fun.

Just a black mood?

I've been thinking a lot about boundaries lately.

From my toys I ask that they give themselves over into my hands, into my care. I tell them to trust me with their bodies and minds. I respect their boundaries, but if they don't coincide with my own, I try to think of ways to move that boundary further. Not because I don't respect the toy's opinions or feelings, but because I feel it's limiting the range and scope of our play. And because I feel that the toy would be better off without that particular boundary in place. I believe I know better than they do what is good for them. That's insanely arrogant, but in matters such as these I have so far turned out to be right.

The toys' sexuality is one part that I wish to control. I don't demand that control constantly, but when we are playing their bodies are mine. There are no limits to what parts of their bodies I controll. The dick is mine to dominate, just like the torso and face is. I ask that they give this control over to me, and eventually they do.

Ofcourse, I play with the toy because he enjoys it and wants me to. But I would never have bothered with it if I haden't enjoyed it too. And yet there is a strange hypocrisy to it. Because as I give pleasure, pain and enjoyment in every form to my subjects, I do not allow myself the same freedom. My enjoyment, let's be frank: My hornyness, is something I try to ignore. To stow away. To hide, almost. Sure, I bring out some great "Dominatrix" moments in my own mind later on. But fantasizing about it and actually enjoying it while it's going on... Those are two very different things.

An ear lobe in my mouth. The tention of the subject's shoulders, apprehension and exhitement mixed together. The gasp of pleasure as I suck, lick, flick it with my tongue. The relaxation as enjoyment takes over. And the gasp of pain, surprise, as I bite down. I have done precicely that what must now be over a hundred times. And I will say it now, because I couldn't say it then: THIS TURNS ME ON. Being so close to someone, whom I can manipulate like putty. Whose moods and emotions I can play like harp strings. So close, so close that I can almost (but only almost) read his mind. I wish I could scream it from the roof tops: This turns me on! This, and so many other things that I do to them. The toys. My toys. My boys. I love doing what I do because it gives me pleasure.

I find it rather bizzare... The submissives get all the "action" so to speak, in that they are alowed to come and I may even (in some limited ways) help them on the way there. But I, who am supposed to be the one with all the power and controll.. I don't get anything for me. My sexuality, my desires, are taboo when I play. I can't really talk to the toys about it, and T doesn't really want to know either. Oh, he'll listen.. But it feels like he'd prefer not to know.

Why do I limit myself so? Because I made an agreement with T, months ago, that my sexuality would be separate from theirs when I play with them. It was at least partially my idea to begin with, and I honestly thought that would work out. And for a while it did. But then it didn't anymore, because being dominant went in my mind from curriousity to strong interest. I'd almost call it a passion. And yet, because I don't want to risk loosing T, I try to contain myself. To not mix my sexuality up with theirs. Though I should have known that was a lost cause. What we do isn't sex, but it sure is sexual!

So now, my self-inposed boundaries are chafing. This might just be a black mood, who's origin I don't know. After all, it's past 3:30am. You're never your most sane at these hours. So this chafing might pass... Or it might not. If it doesn't, I'll talk to T about it. Or perhaps he'll talk to me. He'll be reading this blog in a few days anyway.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Talk

As the poem might have made you guess, I had a quite an interesting weekend. Friday was roleplaying night, with T and a good friend. It was great and ofcourse we didn't go to sleep until early Saturday morning.

Saturday was the "main" event of the weekend, with my first ever so called Cruising Event. It's a party at the local BDSM club that is designed specifically to let people play a lot. The main room is divided into several smaller cubicles by the way of camuflage webs. So the "walls" are partially see-through and you may walk around and watch people in action when you aren't busy playing yourself.

Corvus picked me up at half past six, one and a half hour before the party was due to begin, because I'd wanted to talk with him. I'd made a list of topics I wanted to raise. The most important of wich was the issue of ownership. What did those keys he gave me mean to him? It turns out, he'd also thought somewhat symbolically. And again I was surprised at how well in sync we seem to be. At this point, nothing is set in stone. However, we agreed on a few points that I think are fairly important:
1. When we play, I'm boss. I own him. (Ofcourse, he can still use stop words, that's a given.)
2. When we aren't in play sessions, I can still give him the occational prick to remind him of that I excist and of what we have together...
Such as a text message ordering him to do something, simply because I want him to. Or an e-mail giving an instruction for the following day. It could be something pointless, like what colour socks to wear or that he has to jump up-and-down three times sometime between two and three pm. (Or it could, eventually, be something less pointless. But we haven't gotten that far yet...)
3. He is my submissive. My plaything. Just as outlines by the previous points. However, I can not, and will not:
a. in a signfificant way interfere with his job, family or friends.
b. "out" him to anyone he doesn't want to know.
c. in a significant way interfere with his economy or belongings.
So whilst I do "own" him, in the sense that I decide over him with regards to BDSM, I do not actually own him. He is his own person. I have no wish to take over his life, only influence it.

During this talk, I also discovered that he seems to be significantly more balanced as a person than I expected. Whilst he's had a brush or two with depression, he doesn't have particulary low self-esteem. He thinks of himself as relativly average, as far as looks and brains go (which is an fairly correct assessment, I think). He knows he's good at his job. He's been through one serious relationship, meaning that he's done all that comes with something like that. Including the love, the heart-ache and all that jazz.

Why did this apparent normality surprise me? Well, because so far I've been a weirdo-magnet. And the kinds of weirdos that typically catches my interest, as friends or something more, are the people who have the worst self-esteem ever. People who, in some way or another, are mentally fucked-up. Or perhaps who should have been. People who, if they were houses, would need much more than just a bit of paint and some new furniture before they were ready for the open market. Sure, Corvus is far from perfect, but he isn't as messed up as I expected him to be.

He is a fairly normal, fairly stable guy who doesn't need constant reassuring from me and anyone close to him. It a welcome respite. I can relax with him, and not worry so much, not wach as carefully every word I say. This also, ofcourse, enables me to focus more fully on other things... Such as pushing his limits (and stretching my own). Experiencing new and exhiting things together. And I like it.

Anyhow, on Saturday we played. I took him upstairs to the private dungeon, and finally managed to get him totaly naked. No corset, no underwear, no nothing. The contrast of a clothed woman and a naked man is not lost on either of us. He's definitly in a more vulnerable position. We also discovered that his belly and sides are incredibly tickelish. He wears a corset 23/7, so the skin underneath isn't exposed to the normal fricktion of clothing moving about and such. Thus it's a lot more sensitive. Sensitive = fun. At least for me. :P

The playing made him completely exhausted. Don't really know why, and neither does he. It was odd. Anyhow, I didn't let him drive home, but put him to bed in our guest room in stead. I'm very glad T was ok with that.

The next morning, I got up pretty early (at least concerning how late we'd gone to bed), because I wanted to play some more. Corvus was half asleep when I came in, but woke up quickly enough when I started typing him to the bed. He wasn't let go until over two hours had passed.

The afternoon that Sunday was spent alone with T. I was terribly tired, almost falling asleep on the couch several times. However, I managed to stay awake until the evening. And despite my tiredness, T and I ended up having sex somehow. This time we took the time for me to orgasm too. Usually, I'm just not patient enough to bother with it. I just want him in me, just want to be close to him. As close as it's possible to get. I love that. But this time, as I said, I came. And on my last contracting spasm, so did he. It was lovely. He is lovely. I love him.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Creation

Plan. Executing.
Waching enjoyment
Head back, eyes closed
Breathing
Gasping pain, pleasure,
Something in between?
Above and beyond?

Always moving
In sync, but no balance
Tilting, but never letting
You fall

Limits,
"Don't-step-on-the-lines"-kinds of foolishness
Boundaries
To me they are fog
To be cleared away,
By spring rain or tears
Or a well placed slap
A word
A touch

Watching you sleep
How did you get here?
Oh yeah, I made you.

Friday, September 10, 2010

A REALLY old friend

Haha, ok third entry tonight. I'm stopping now, I promise. :P

Just wanted to share this little tidbit with you. I had no idea it still excisted online!

I must have been 14 or so when I wrote this, as I remember writing it at home and I moved away when I'd finished junior high (ungdomsskolen). That means this is probably from the year 2000, though that's more than a little guesswork. At this point I had no sexual experience. I'd never even been kissed. All I had to go on was my own imagination and what I'd read in all those short stories. Those facts taken into concideration, this isn't that bad. However, I won't call it great writing either.

I'm sorry it's just in Norwegian, but I can't be bothered to translate it. For those of you who CAN read Norwegian, have fun: http://www.erotikknett.no/5213_41.php

I am true

Woah, a lot of writing in one evening. I could have included this in my previous entry, but I figured it deserved it's own.

Like I've just mentioned, I started reading erotic litterature (mainly short stories) when I was about 12. Or perhaps 11, I'm not sure.

It started out with some magazines that my mom got second-hand from a male friend of hers, called "Vi Men" ("We Men"). It's your typical men's magazine, with articles concerning fishing, hunting, cars, science, explorations and other manly-men kind of activities. Each issue also had a double-page of jokes and cartoons followed by a double-page of writing: My gold mine, the erotic novel. I've flipped through them later and see now that they are predictable, boring, not particulary well-written and generally don't have much quality to them. However, for a 12-yearold they were VERY exhiting.

We got internet when I was 13, I think, and I soon graduated from crappy magazine stories to online stories. I told you all about this earlier.

One the late summer, when I was 13 and a half, I got ahold of a different magazine. A magazine directed towards women, and that only had stories in them. It was called "Novellegiganten" ("The Short Story Giant). I've only ever had the one issue (number 8, 1999), and I can't remember how I got it. It might have been borrowed from a friend or it might have been bought, perhaps when we were going to the cabin or something. In it, there are perhaps four erotic short stories, one amusing story, one or two crime stories and an excerpt from a book. I've read them all, but the only story that stayed with me, and that I kept comming back to, was the one called "Paris i september" ("Paris in september").

Back then, I didn't have any terms for what I liked. I didn't know it was even "supposed" to be "abnormal". I figured I was as normal as anybody else. However, I just found that magazine again, and re-read the story. And lo and behold! It's got an obvious BDSM theme! It's about a woman of power, a director or something, who's in Paris for a short stay. With her is a male personal assistant whom, when they aren't working, is dominating her. He's telling her what to wear, what to do and he's doing some heavy orgasm control.

It's obviously translated from some other language, as some of the phrases sound a bit odd in Norwegian. And I doubt the story could be concidered great litterature in the first place. Regardless, my love for that story when I was in my early teens in the proof that I really HAVE been into BDSM for years. Before I found this story, all I had to go on were some incidents from I was 15-16. I have incidents that prove my exhibitionist side from when I was 13, but until now I had no idea I could trace the BDSM back that far too.

Why is this important to me? I think it's based in my self-doubt. Everyone else seems so much more "into" BDSM than me. It seems more important to them, it drives them and shapes them more than I think it does me. When I see their gadgets, their bruises, hear their stories.. They seem more "hardcore", more dedicated. And I know, I know, it's not a competition. But still, it makes me doubt myself. Do I truly have the right to name myself amongst these people?

So why does this short story help? Because in my experience, the most "dedicated" BDSM people and fetishists can trace their interests back. Either to their childhood (age 4-7, typically, and most common for fetishists) or early teens (age 11-14). Incidents where their interest in this subject has made itself clear, long before they knew what any of it was called.

Whilst I, I found the home page of the BDSM club in Oslo when I was 17. I'd read through some other websites before then, so let's say I started looking at this when I was 16. And like I said, I have a few incidents from when I was 15. But by then, I'd already heard about BDSM. I knew, roughly, what it was and what you could do with it. So it wasn't something that appeared from inside of me, rather it was something I found outside and then started trying out. As oposed to the exhibitionism, which I know appeared from within me and made it's way out.

And so because I had no indication that my interest in BDSM came from inside of me, I was afraid I wasn't "true". Wasn't "for real". You're probably laughing at me, wanting to tell me that every experience in the last few years points to the oposite. But you can't rationalize this, because it isn't logical. However, I see this BDSM short story, and the memories it triggered, as proof. Proof that this WAS indeed something I had in me from early on. Proof that I am "true", that I am as good as those other "hardcore" people.

So laugh all you want at my irrational thoughts. Know at least that this helped. It put my thoughts a bit more to ease.

P.S. It's strange how words come flying of my fingers when I sit down to type. Originally, the title of this entry was "An old friend". I wished to tell you, in few words, that I'd found an old short story again. One I hadn't seen in years. And yet again, I start soul-searching, self-analyzing. This is why I love writing. Because you never know where your thoughts will take you, once you start getting them into order and putting them down in writing. I'm happy for this blog. It's made me realise things about myself that I probably wouldn't have learned otherwise. :)

An unrelated realisation

First: This is unrelated to all the playing I've been doing lately. Just to have that clear.

I've come to a realisation. Ever since I was a young teenager, I've had a "thing" for men who sexually interract with other men. It started out as just a fascination for homosexuals in general, probably because I was currious about it. However, lesbians never interested me much. Not in the way homosexual men did. I'd go to the library and find novels and short stories about gays, and in such ways discovered some of the litterature I still concider among my favorites today. Like the Norwegian author Elin Brodin and some of the short stories in collections published yearly by Ungdomsbokklubben. And ofcourse "Egalias døttre", which I read when I was 14.

But let's get back on track: So, I had this curriosity. This fascination. From I was 12 and onwards I read large amounts of erotic short stories. As teenage boys would consume erotic pictures and films, I consumed the written word. cupido.no was my primary "hunting ground", because these were the times when their stories still were available online for free.

The currious thing is that for a period of at least three years (it's hard to put dates on these things, so it might have been more), I read almost no short stories with heterosexual couples as the protagonists. I wanted, and dilligently searched for, erotic fiction about gay men. And gay men only. The subject could be anything, but as I look back I see that my favorite stories weren't about "gays" in the typical sense of the word. But rather of apparently straight men who ended up having sex with other men and enjoying the experience.

I haven't intentionally searched out stories about men-who-has-sex-with-men for years now. However, just the other day I stumbled upon some gay bondage porn. It was fascinating, mainly for the ropework and shere amount of available video. But it didn't particulary turn me on in itself. However, I remember a short moment, in one of the videos, where a man passionatly kisses another man. And again, I felt this thingling inside me. Excitement and curriousity, rolled in with a hint of what I think might be shame. As if I was seeing something forbidden, spying on them. But come on! It was porn! So obviously, I must be responding to something else.

I've noticed this before too, whenever I meet openly gay couples on the street. I'm having a hard time not to stare. I love seeing them hold eachother, kiss and show affection. And ofcourse part of that is political: I'm glad we live in a society where they're able to do that without prosecution or harassement. However, I think part of it is also this... "Thing".

I've never before realised that I had this "thing", this fascination. It's always been subtle. I won't call it a fetish, because if it had been then it would have been a more passionate urge, a longing. It isn't. Just a fascination.

Part of it, I think, is the thought everyone had when they were kids: "What if I were the oposite gender for a short period of time? What would it feel like?"

I think part of it is the voyeur in me, the one who likes to wach. I'm quite the exibitionist, and I knew I had this other side as well. It's just not as prominent as my exhibitionist side. I enjoy waching, and listening in, to people having sex. I haven't experienced this many times, but the few times I have been in such situations it's mostly been... Interesting.

Part of the fascination comes from the tabou. Ofcourse gay men and women are accepted in today's society, and I'm not saying that they aren't. HOWEVER, it's a fact that seeing women kissing and fondling eachother is A LOT more common than seeing men doing the same. Ask most straight men: They'd be ok with a threesome involving another women, but not another man. More women are openminded enough to accept both genders as a potential third. Young women who experiment with their sexuality and have sexual relations with both genders before (often) settling on one gender as they grow older is relativly common. And accepted. Men doing the same, I'm sure is also quite common, but not accepted in the same way. So you can say that it's the novelty factor that fascinates me, perhaps.

However, I still think there are reasons here that I haven't uncovered. I don't know what they are. If Freud was here, he'd probably call it penis-envy, but I suspect that's his answer to practically anything. However, the fact remains: Men in affectionate, sexual situations involving other men is fascinating. And bizarely, kissing is more fascinating than a blow job. At least right now.

I find this strange, this fascination. I'd forgotten it even excited, and yet I suspect it's been there for years. I just haven't been aware of it. It hasn't been deemed as important or relevant. And I guess it isn't, really.. But right now, I have a lot of time on my hands. Time for introspection and self-analysis. And then bits like this bob to the surface.

It's strange, what we can find when we start digging through old drawers...

Thursday, September 9, 2010

The giving of keys

Yesterday, Corvus gave himself over to me. Not in a well-overweiged, intellectual kind of way, but in a raw and instinctive kind of way. What's important to me, now, is that Corvus trusts me enough to let me inside the barriers of his mind. Yesterday was a large step in that direction. What happened was, I made him cry. Or.. More precicely, he made himself cry. He LET himself cry. But I fascilitated that step, and supported him on his journey. His emotional rollercoaster.

We started working in this direction already last Friday. After tying him to a tree and pulling his pants down to his knees, I verbally abused him. This was an expreriment to see if it would make him feel smaller and more submissive, as I know this works well for some people. It was very hard for me to do, because I had to lie. Lie in order to demean Corvus, whom I like and don't really want to hurt. We talked about it afterwards and he told me it had worked... And that he'd resisted me mostly out of stubborness and spite... And that he wished for me to take that path again, a bit further, to pull him down and have him break. He suggested that a mixture of pain and humiliation was what would be needed.

I'd planned to try something like that in any case, but his explisit wish for it to happen made me prepone my plans. ("Prepone", by the way, is the opposite of "postpone". The English didn't have a term for this concept, so English-speaking Indians made it up. I'm quite fond of it and find it very useful.)

So yesterday, Tuesday, he arrived at my place after work. We first had a couple of hours of regular bondage. His leather cuffs were locked him place, so he couldn't get out by opening them, and try all he might he was unable to get out of the ropes. That pleased me. What didn't please me was the amount of wiggleroom he still seemed to have. Need to tie him down tighter next time. He really is remarkably suple and quite strong for a man of his age and build, so I think he'll handle it.

After dinner, I decided to start on the humiliating. I won't go into details, but I used what I know about him and his interests against him. It worked quite well and he was fairly embarassed. I then had him kneel on the couch, arms over the back of the couch, and tied him in place. A rope went underneath the couch, connecting his arms to his legs. A few moments later, his butt was bare and ready for a spanking. I started out light, using only my hand. Once he'd gotten nice and warm on both cheeks, I switched to the IKEA shoehorn. Quite frequently, I took breaks and sat on a chair in front of his face. I tried further verbal humiliation, but my heart wasn't into it. I have real trouble being mean to someone. So instead I switched to praising him whilst making it absolutely clear that he was enduring this because I wanted him to.

At first, he felt so embarassed I litterary had to force his head up and he still refused to look at me. As I continued, I noticed him going through several stages. From embarassed, to confused, to angry. I told him anger would do him no good, that he'd stop that immediatly, and to my amazement that actually worked. He then had another stage of confusion and introspection, before he finally broke.

Tears didn't well up after a particulary hard stroke. He felled the first one while I was holding his head in my hands and telling him what a good job he was doing. I praised him, told him how proud I was of him and how pleased I was that he would let me do this to him. And he broke. If he'd endured much longer, I probably would have given up. I'd still have been really pleased with the day, because we'd pushed a lot of bounderies. But reaching that goal was the icing on the cake, so to speak.

I sat holding his head for a little while, letting him cry. Then I untied him and laid him down on a matress on the floor, his head in my lap. And just sat with him, stroking his head and arms, talking calmly to him, letting him cry. It was wonderful. Truly beautiful and amazing. More so for me, perhaps, beacause I've been there. I knew exactly how he felt, that feeling of cleansing and release. The care, and I'll even use the word devotion, that I felt for him right then.. It's indescribable. Very different to anything I've ever felt dominating anyone. It's comparable, but still very different, from the adoration I feel for a dominant when I'm brought to such a place of tears myself. So in a way, this feels like going full circle.

Slowly he rose from the black pit of tears and agony. I'm guessing we spent 1-1,5 hours getting him there, and another 1,5 hours getting him back up. The aftercare is vital, and I was glad to do it. Not only is it rewarding to be able to hold and comfort him, but it was also quite fascinating. I saw each step as he rose up to the surface, and the parallells to my own experiences as a submissive were clear to see. In the end, he came out clensed. When he'd let go and given in to the tears, he also released a lot of other tensions and stresses and bottled up emotions. The tears were brought on by pain and humilation, but they washed him clean. Just like I knew, or at least hoped, that they would.

How is this different from what I've done twice to Mondage? Well, Mondage wasn't a submissive to me. Sure, he has submissive tendencies, but his responses were not even close to what I'm getting from Corvus. But if I'd met Mondage now, with my current level of experience, could I have built the same kind of relationship? I think the answer is "maybe". We adapt ourselves to the people we're with. So maybe mine and Mondage's relationship could have been more of the dom/sub-kind.. But only maybe. Besides, such speculation is futile. It's water under the bridge. And I don't think it's fair to any of them that I should compare them to eachother. I'll try and stop that from here on outwards.

Once equilibrium had been reached and he'd calmed down, we drove to the BDSM club in the city center. I did some more light bondage while we were there, but only to show him and the other people there that I could. Ever since we started playing that day, he'd worn his beautiful leather cuffs locked on to his wrists and ankles. I had the keys in my pocket, and he had a backup set on his key chain. As we were sitting outside my house and were about to part for the day, I took the keys out of my pocket and wanted to unlock him. He stopped me, and told me that he had several sets of keys for those locks. He asked me to keep the set I had.

What did it mean to him, to give me a set of keys for the padlocks that lock his cuffs? I don't know. We haven't talked about it yet. But to me, it was symbolic. Of what, that is yet up to us to define.

Monday, September 6, 2010

How to BDSMify an appartement?

How to make our appartement more BDSM-friendly? Here's my todo list:

1. Get curtains! Preferably dark, heavy ones that can shut out light and unwelcome eyes and shut in any noise.
2. Find out where the beams/support structure of the rooms are. Install subtle, yet strong hooks and rings in walls and celings. Disguise by hanging lamps or plants from them.
3. Ensure that the appartement is always stocked with essentialls: Candles, ice cubes, vinyl gloves and such.. And ofcourse flat kitchen utensils and a nice shoe horn (IKEA's "Omsorg" (meaning "Care") is recomended).
4. Have a working stereo, computer speakers or similar. A bit of background music can work wonders in disguising the noises you don't want the neighbours to hear.

Step 1 and 2 are work in progress. Will get them done within the next few months.

Last week, I bought some new ropes from the store known as Biltema. 20 meters for 129 NOK is very cheap. The ropes aren't great, but they are ok. I split it into two 10 meter pieces, as that's more managable.

Since I couldn't find any of my spanking equipment, I went to IKEA today to buy a new shoe horn. At least that gives me something I can use. Besides, there's always books. I've spanked people with books before. :P

In town today, I also got ahold of bandage scissors. They are angled, and thus safer to use near the skin, should I have to cut some ropes. Besides, they're small enough to fit easily into my hand bag, which is always a plus.

Since I got home, I've made three trays of ice cubes. I hope they'll be nice and frozen by tomorrow.

Why all the fuss? Well, Corvus is comming tomorrow. This will be the first session where we're all alone in safe, warm enviornements. We have several hours to play. I'm feeling slightly apprehensive, as I don't know him that well yet, but I think it'll be cool. I just want to be well prepared, that's all.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Soaked

One thing I forgot to mention:

When I came home from playing with Corvus on Tuesday, I was soaking wet. Not from rain or anything, but from being turned on. And not just the underwear, no I'd soaked THROUGH my pants. I won't say that's a first, because that would be a lie, but it's the first time I've been THAT turned on from being the dominant.

Not quite sure what to think of all this... Should I worry that I might be loosing my submissive side all together? I choose not to think like that, because submissive fantasies still turn me on too. As long as both are appealing to me, I won't worry about it. But I'll say for sure that I'm in a very Dominant phase right now. I guess the best thing I can do is sit back and enjoy the ride... :P

Unable to express myself (that's a first!)

Stuff is happening so quickly these days, I'm starting to lag on the blogging. Not actual play sessions as such, as there's only been one since last time. No, it's more of what's going on in my head.

I was going to give a detailed report of the playing Corvus and I did on Friday, the way I usually do. But simple words like "..and then I tied him up" can't express how one bondage session can be very different from another one. Words simply aren't enough. Suffice to say that I pushed him further, in terms of pain and humiliation, than I believe he's been pushed before. His inner thighs are still spotted blue, from what he tells me.

To my suprise, my fingers started hurting last night. I couldn't figure out why, but this morning it finally hit me: I'm sore. Sore like I would be in any muscle that has been worked more than it's used to. This probably stems from the pinching, scratching and grabbing I did in quite large amounts. It's quite amusing really, that as I type this, I'm reminded (in every motion I make) of what we did on Friday. I guess it's only fair that the Dom have some slight aches and pains as well, when the sub has endured so much.

For perhaps the first time in my life I'm involved in serious playing with a submissive (I don't count Pet, as it was long ago and just a few times. I didn't know enough nor enjoy it enough, back then). One who desires to be made helpless both physically and mentally, who desires me to take responsibility and control away from him. And who'll go along with my crazy stunts as long as he isn't given the option to refuse. And I'm loving it! I didn't think I'd come to like it this much this quickly, but I do. I've been trying to write this paragraph several times now, and each time I can't find the words to express what I want. I just... Enjoy it. I really do.

Seeing him struggle against his bonds... Hearing the sounds he make, sounds of pain, pleasure and something inbetween... Seeing that look of apprehension and just a hint of fear in his eyes, as I do things to him that he hadn't been able to predict... Noticing how his body relaxes more and more, as he knows that I have taken choice and responsibility away from him... At least for that scene.

Sure, he's still got the responsibility to stop the game if he feels it's going to far too fast. That's the responsibility of any submissive! But where and how we play is something he's volunteerily given up, and placed in my hands.

As I write this, and re-read, I can see nothing extraordinary. Nothing I haven't written, or at least thought, before. And so again, I'm at loss for words. Because this DOES feel extraordinary. I just can't quite explain how or why. It's a rush, a high. Tuesday is our next "play date". I can hardly wait.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

You can't be there for everyone

Today, there was a munch at the local BDSM club. I met up with Corvus and did a few little things to him. Just to keep him on his toes, keep him guessing. I tried dripping warm wax on his arm (there are candles on every table, how great is that!), I did some more scratching, a bit of biting and a bit of tickling. Nothing major, nothing serious and not for long. But oh my, does it affect him! I'm loving every moment of it, and can't wait to get to know him better.

After he'd left, I somehow got involved with this other guy. I'm naming him Winnie. I ended up tying a harness on him, and attaching his hands and legs to the neerby furniture and wall. And then I just tested various things on him. A bit of pain, a bit of tickling, a bit of nibbling and biting etc. I've known him for years, but I haven't dominated him before. So I don't know him well in that regard. It was interesting. We aren't a perfect match, I don't get drawn to him the way I did to Mondage and Corvus. But playing with him is fun and enjoyable.

I feel rather sad for him. Like so many submissive men, he's single in every sense of the word. No love relationship, no BDSM relationship. He so badly wants to belong to someone, to be able to rely on someone and trust someone. But he's been badly burnt, both with regards to BDSM and love. And he's such a great guy! Lovable, kind, social, good-looking and cute. And he's alone. He often gets bored at club events, because nothing happens to him. He tries to be active, take initiative and get people to play, but it only rarely happens.

I feel sad for him, I wish I could help him. But I'm not what he needs. Sure we played today, and probably will play again sometime in the future. But I can't and won't go into anything longterm with him, and he knows that. Still.. It's sad.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Another toy on trial

Tonight was interesting, more interesting than I'd thought beforehand. I'd suggested to Corvus that we meet up and talk about what had happened and such. He's all new to everything, so his head is rather full of thoughts and I wanted to help him by talking him through it. Besides, I need to know what goes on in his mind if I'm going to control and affect his thoughts and emotions in any significant way when we're playing.

We met up sometime after seven pm, at a rather deserted bar in the city center. And then we talked... Contiuously. Until midnight! I got to know him a lot better. We talked about everyday subjects like food and music, but mostly we talked BDSM. I tried to find out as much as I could about him, and succeeded relativly well. I know much more now about what his previous experiences have been like, what his major kinks are, what he doesn't want to try etc. He still gets somewhat flustered talking about all this, but for a guy who hasn't been a part of the scene for more than a few weeks he's doing fairly well.

Corvus says things that ressonate with me. The way he describes submission and his motivations for it largely correspond to why I sometimes choose to submit. Although fetishes are important to his sexuality, he's not only a fetishist. Throughout the evening it became increasingly apparent that he's also a submissive. I like that a lot, I find it exciting. But it also scares me a bit, because I have conciderably less experience dealing with someone like that. However, I enjoy the challenge.

The talking also established some key facts. He knew or had guessed them already, but they should also be spoken out loud. First and formost I stressed that my fiancée, T, always would be number one with me. I would always seek his approval and would never do anything with Corvus (or anyone else) that I don't think T would be ok with. We also talked (briefly) about disease, and like I suspected he's all clean. I also questioned him regarding phobias, illnesses, medical history and other such important issues that I want to know. Safety is very important to me, after all.

We'd previously agreed that he'd take me home, as he was driving in that direction anyway. Once we'd driven out of the center and had just turned off the highway again, I asked him to pull over somewhere and park the car. He didn't question my request and we parked outside a gass station. There we stayed for almost two hours! I did to him some of what I did to Mondage last fall. I used what I had on me and tied him up inside the car. A narrow belt from my jacket tied his hands together and attached them to whatever I wanted (first the steering weel then the head rest). My bonnet/hat made a decent blindfold. My jacket tied his overarms tight to his body. And then he was all mine to do with as I pleased.

For me, it wasn't anything new or revolutionary. Pinching, scratching, biting combined with licking and stroking, in an unpredictable pattern that kept him on his toes so to speak. And a bit of breath controll, quite easy and short, just to give him a taste. But for him, ofcourse, this is all new territory. I triggered emotions and reactions he didn't know he could produce. For a while there, he was pretty high on a BDSM rush. What perhaps suprised me the most was that his reactions made the event special for me as well. There was no routine, no repetion, no boredom. Because him, the subject, was new and that made all the activities new as well.

We talked for about half an hour or so afterwards, still parked outside a gass station. What really pleased me was that he not only had enjoyed the bondage, the situation, the exhitement and the kind of pleasant things I'd done. He'd also greatly enjoyed the pain. The mixture of pleasure and pain was what he concidered the sweetest of all. This made me realise that he truly is a submissive, he might even have a slight masochist streak, and that fits me and my ideas very, very well. He liked it! All of what I did to him! I'm very happy right now.

Even before the playing, we both agreed that Saturday had been fun and we wanted to play more. I'm amazed by just how quickly I've found a play partner here in Oslo, but I guess I shouldn't question it. Just be pleased that it's working out. I'm realising more and more that this Dominant and Sadistic part of me is not something I want to shut away. I truly love doing what I do, and I'm very happy to have found someone down here who likes what I'm doing.

I still miss the BDSM scene in Trondheim and the people I came to know and care for up there. But so far, Oslo hasn't been that bad. I might come to like it here too.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Spontantious sex, planned bondage

Friday:
The plan was that T and I would meet up with B, Mondage and a new guy I'm naming Corvus at Sexhibition. That's a fair/sales convention/exhibition for the erotic industries in Scandinavia, that is held in Oslo each year. Mondage would be comming home with us afterwards, staying at our place for the weekend.

As T and I were about to get dressed and head for the bus, T decided he needed to "claim his territory". So we fucked. It was quick but it was good. Everything just worked really well, and as always his dick tastes wonderfully.

In town, I first met up with Mondage. I'd promised him some public bondage, and so I build a simple harness on him at a semi-crowded mall. We then walked to Sexhibition, his hands tied in front of him. He seemed somewhat humiliated by that and eager to get indoors somewhere. We met up with Corvus, who's got a thing for bondage as well. I'd met him a couple of times before, and decided the first time I met him that I wanted to play with him. I tend to get attrackted to those shy, insecure guys who's been dreaming about BDSM for ages and never gotten to experience any of it. Inside Sexhibition I did some more bondage on Mondage, always somewhere that Corvus could see what was going on. I was trying to show off some of my skills, tempting him and having him imagine what I could do to him.

Mondage felt much more secure at Sexhibition than he did out in the streets, and I had fun with all the attention we got. I did manage to get ropes on Corvus once, around his arms. He got rather stressed out, so I released him. Like Mondage, he doesn't like the idea of public bondage, motsly because he's so shy.

It's somewhat difficult to remember what Mondage was like when we first started playing. So uncommunicative, so imprescise in his responses, I was mostly fumbling along blinding trying things out. He's gotten a lot better now, he's able to tell me what he enjoys, he's more prescise when I ask him wether or not he likes something and he's discovered fetishes he didn't know he had. Corvus is a lot like what Mondage was in the begining. And he's even older than Mondage, so he's had longer to settle into his way or doing and saying things.

Saturday:
I played some more with Mondage. We did a short but intense session (approx. 1 hour) in the guest room of our appartement. I put him in hogtie and gaged him, like I usually do, and then I did a bit of tickling, pinching, scratching etc. He got pushed over the edge and came when I did some breathcontrol at the very end. It was fun. Prooves how well I know him now, that I can get so much play out of so little time.

What really pushed him to high levels of hornyness was when I rubbed the spit that had driped from the gag back into his face. His mind thinks it's discusting, but his cock loves it and that shows. I think it's the inability to escape the humiliation that makes it such a powerful stimulant, but I'm not sure. I suspect that he'd come to love facesitting/queening too, for the same reason. And perhaps, eventually, getting spit on or peed on. Though he'd probably tell you otherwise at this point, because his mind tells him it's discusting and he shouldn't like stuff like that.

While I was playing with Mondage, T got a visit from B and a girl I've decided to call HH. HH would be comming with us to a party at the BDSM club here in town and then sleeping at our place afterwards. Mondage was going to a concert first but would stop by the club sometime after midnight. B came with us out to dinner, and then T, HH and I went to the club. We met up with Corvus, who'd been there for a couple of hours already and was insanely bored. Few people, nothing much happening etc. My finacee, T, knew I wanted to play with Corvus and encouraged me to do so.

I had a perfect excuse to tie Corvus up, because I'd promised to help him take measurement for a custom armbinder. That required tighter tying than I'd normally be comfortable starting out with, but luckily Corvus is really supple and handled it well. Once the measuring was done, I didn't untie his arms right away. In stead I tied him to the wall in the play room. He's the kind of guy who enjoys the challenge of getting out of bondage, as opposed to Mondage who'll just lie there and enjoy the experience of being tied up. Corvus requires a firmer hand and a more restrictive pose, as well as locks and knots he can't reach. I've never played with someone activly trying to get loose, and really enjoyed the experience. The mental challenge of out-smarting him, as well as the satisfaction of seeing him struggle and fail, it was very pleasant... Not to mention quite ammusing. I didn't do much spanking, just a couple of passes with a paddle. I did however do some biting and quite a bit of pinching and scratching. But no intense pain work yet, I think he needs to take things one step of the time.

Eventually, Mondage arrived at the club as well. I proceded to tie him to a cross and gag him, whilst Corvus was tied up just a couple of feet away. I noticed, however, that it was dificult to pay enough attention to both of them. One would invariably be left alone while I was busy with the other one. And since Mondage was gaged and Corvus is so new at everything, that wasn't a situation I felt comfortable with. So I untied them both, and put both in hogties on the floor. Once Mondage is in a hogtie, he just wants to be left alone to enjoy it. The positions enabled me to focus fully on Corvus whilst keeping half an eye on Mondage at the same time. This worked out well, but wouldn't have worked at all if both guys had been more demanding.

Playing with both DID give me lots of attention. The party was open to anyone, so there were a lot of currious people walking around. I like attention, but I don't let my playing get ruled by a crowd. I do what's best for me and the subject(s), no matter what an audience might think. In the future I'd prefer to just play with one at the time, as it gives me more control and a closer bond with the subject.

Corvus seemed pleased with the experience. It's a bit dificult to tell, because I don't know him very well, but from what he said I think he enjoyed himself. He's really dived right into the BDSM scene, and just a month or so ago he probably wouldn't have thought it to be possible. I feel proud and very pleased to be his first, and truly hope that I get the oportunity to play with him again. Having walked this road once with Mondage, I feel a lot more secure now. I know what I'm doing and I know a lot of things I'd like to put Corvus through and the approximate order I want to do it. Ofcourse, Mondage and Corvus are two different individuals, but their fetishes are similar enough that at least some of the experience I've gotten with Mondage can be translated into working on Corvus too.

While I was busy most of the evening playing with Mondage and Corvus, T amused himself with HH. It wasn't planed, but when opportunities do arrise he's not the one to say no. He fondled her quite a bit and even ended up spanking her and caning her. This surprised me, but I think it's great to see him activly taking part in BDSM-activities as well.

Sunday:
Both Mondage and HH were sleeping at our place, but once we got home we were way to tired for any playing or fondling. We went to bed, and I figured that would be it for the weekend. I was wrong. Mondage left early this morning, but HH stayed for quite a while. We got up late, had some brunch and then just chatted for a while. I let her try on some of my fetish clothes, and at one point when all she was wearing was a short dress, T started fondling her again. I joined in, and when I started on her upper body he moved down. It ended up with him fingering her until she came, right there standing in our kitchen. I hadn't really been in a sex mood, so I mostly just supported her and helped her stand up. Still, it was fun to be a part of the whole experience.

She left shortly thereafter, and I've been typing ever since. Now, I will go mastrubate, as all this writing about sex has made me horny. Fascinatingly, it's the bondage and humiliation of Mondage that made me the most horny, and not the fingering of HH in our kitchen.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Before I forget

I'm trying to use this blog to document every time I have sex and every BDSM play session I'm involved in. So before I forget:

Had sex with T approximatly two weeks ago. At his parents' house, where we were staying at the time.

Played with Mondage once more. Because I had the time for it. A lot of bondage in the back of his car, which worked well. And I took him into the woods and tied him to a tree... Which worked REALLY well. Unfortunatly, I can only stand mosquitoes and ants for so long.. So we didn't stay out long. Still, it was fun. :)

Next weekend, he's comming to visit me. And we're probably going to Sexhibition together. And that will probably involve some public bondage. :D

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Moving out and moving in

So we've moved out of our appartement in Trondheim, and with the help of some great friends we managed to get it sparkly clean in just a few hours. Then we drove to Oslo, and with the help of a couple of good friends managed to carry all our stuff into the appartement we're renting here. Lucky we had help because it was pouring rain and if we hdn't been quick a lot more cardboard boxes would have disintegrated.

Since Monday, we've been busy trying to get stuff packed out and such. There's been a few bumps on the road.. Like the washing mashine not fitting the water fosset here, so we had to get a thingy from a hardware store.. Twice. And we still have a leak, meaning I need to go back a third time. And realising late Monday night that our bed finally has given up on us, having to de-assemble it again and throw it out. We've bought a new one now, and also invested in new matrasses and such. Which obviously cost money we hadn't planned on spending on that.. Let's just say we'll do without curtains for a while.. :P And like my fiancée's computer breaking down... It's just a bit of extra stress that we really didn't need right now.

On Wednesday next week, we'll travel back up to Trondheim for a big LARP event in that area. And once we get back, it's time to start dealing with the real world... Jobs and such. So there's a lot going on and there's a lot on our minds.

And yet.. With all that.. T and I STILL had sex earlier this week. He's getting really good at initializing it, and I'm getting good at not rejecting the notion out of hand. I know that whilst I might not be in the mood right now, a bit of cuddling usually gets me in the mood pretty quickly. :) I take it as a really good sign that we're still having sex with all this stuff going on in our lives. :)