Thursday, January 17, 2008

A Sadist and a submissive...

That title sounds like the beginning of a joke, but this isn't a joke. This is about me being despirited and sad and empty.

I've been thinking about how I should Dominated Pet again soon.. Have a new session with him. However, I'm not sure I want to. I think it's because I'm afraid of running out of ideas. There are only so much you can do in a tiny apartment like this, and I have come to realise that me and Pet have very different needs.. Wants.. When it comes to BDSM.

Pet wants to be physically overpowered and constrained. He wants me to humiliate him as much as I can and as hard as I can, but doesn’t take well to being embarrassed. Taking a walk in public did not arouse him, for example. He doesn’t mind being scolded or shouted at, and wants to feel small and unworthy. So far his main “complaint” after the sessions has been that he wants to be held down more, forced more.

This just doesn’t work for me. First of all, there’s no chance in hell that I can physically overpower him. At least not in here where I’m afraid I’ll hurt him or myself by bumping into things. If I’d had a 4x4 padded room, yes maybe I could have brought him to his knees, if I was quick and fought dirty. Pet is not tall for a guy but he’s strong and heavy. I can’t bring him down by force.

With that out the window there isn’t much left. Sure I’ve made him drink from a bowl and used him as a foot stool, but it didn’t seem to appeal as much to him as he thought it would. He’s immensely turned on by pony play, but I’m way to heavy to ride him, don’t fit into high boot and even though I do have a riding crop and he does have a suitable gag, it just isn’t the same when we are constricted to this tiny area. I can’t take him out, as we live in the middle of town.

The thing is, he and I are not as different. One of the parts I love the most when T is Dominating me, is when we wrestle and he shows himself to be stronger than me. I love being held down, struggling to get away, yet unable to do so. T is heavy and strong, much stronger than me, and I love it. I love the feeling of him being able to do whatever he wants with me, and me being unable to stop him. So yeah, I definitely see where Pet is coming from, but I can’t fulfil that need.

When I’m on Top I don’t get many ideas for the whole physical overpowering thing, because I know I can’t do it anyway. I’m not so much of a Dominant as a Sadist. I love to hurt men, physically. I love to strike them, slap them, spank them, whip them, use warm wax, ice cubes, clamps, crops, tie them up in uncomfortable positions and so on and so on. And I have TONS of ideas for this. Places to tie him up, ways to tie him up, what to use my new and shiny hand cuffs for etc. I know of so many ways to physically hurt a man, but I know it’s no use. Pet doesn’t really mind being hurt, as long as it’s for the purpose of humiliating him or punishing him. I want to hurt him because I want to hurt him. I like hurting him, like hearing him sigh and moan, like watching him tense up and try to move away. I like it when he sobs, close to crying. I want to make him so small and hurting so much he starts crying for real. It’s been done to me, and I loved it. It’s an amazing form of release. And I like comforting and praising him afterwards, telling him how good he was. I can do this, I know I can.

I can’t do the whole roleplay bit. I can’t be angry, shout and yell, tell them how mad I am at them and how horrible they are. It isn’t true. I can in a calm and logical voice tell him how much I am giving up to be there with him doing the things I’m doing, how much he doesn’t really deserve that… But that’s as far as I’ve gone, and I think that’s as far as I can go. What I usually do is laugh and smile, because I feel good when I make him hurt. I’m happy that he lets me hurt him and it amuses me to see him in pain. God, I sound like such a monster. Am I really so bad? I wouldn’t like to hurt someone “for real”. Everything is consensual, that’s where all the fun is. I could never abuse someone who didn’t want me to.

So what can I do? What shall I do? We aren’t incompatible, but very, very different. Does anyone have any ideas for what I can do to him that he would like? Then perhaps I can hit him some more afterwards... Give and take: I do something that he wants and get to do something to him that I want. Or at least that’s how I think it can work. I think a true masochist would be more fun for me than a sub, but I suppose I have to work with what I have.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Simultaneous masturbation

We masturbated last night, T and I. It was really nice, because neither of us were in the mood for the whole consensual sex thing. He was in front of his computer, reading an erotic novel and watching some porn and such. I was lying in bed, reading an erotic magazine, all covered so I wouldn't freeze. And so we masturbated. It had nothing to do with the other person. There was no touching, no secret glances, no "ooo, let's masturbate in front of each other", no nothing. We might as well have been doing something completely different. It was very nice. This might sound odd to you people, but to me it demonstrates how close we are and how relaxed we are about our sexuality.

T often masturbates while I'm around, doing other (non-related) things. Our apartment is so small, it would be difficult to avoid. Neither of us feels like having sex every single day, and sometimes just having sex with yourself is nice too. It was odd for him at first, having someone there when he was doing it, but he's gotten used to it.

Last night, I wore my new handcuffs while masturbating. It was nice. I've worn my other pair (the replica hand cuffs) before, but they give very little mobility as they don't have a chain between the hands. The whole thing is just one piece, which also means that I can slip out of them if I try. They can't be tightened. My new ones are modern, with a short chain between the hands, and a double lock so that they can't be tightened by accident. It turns me on just having them on, because I really can't get loose.

While I was masturbating last night, trying to get a second orgasm, my tiger egg died. It was very frustrating, because I had very limited mobility and the vibrations in the tiger striped egg is a lot better than in my other one. However, I managed to come once more with just the other vibrator I had at hand (the dolphin). I wrote about my toys on the 10th of December 2007, so if you are confused you should read that entry. I'm going to have to get a new tiger egg. It's viability has been surprisingly long, close to two years in fact. I'm pretty sure it's a connection issue inside the egg itself, which has happened because I pull the cord too much. Oh well.. Pandora's Closet has an online shop as well as a real life one, so I think I'm getting one from them.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Almost an un-sexy Christmas

I haven't posted anything for a couple of weeks, mostly due to the fact that I've been very busy. In a non-sexual way. It's been Christmas and all, which means a lot of traveling, stress and family dinners. I'm very happy to be back home. Here's a bit of an update of the few things that happened before Christmas:

I saw Pet once more in December, on the 15th. I really wasn't in the mood to play with him, but thought I owed it to him. Besides, I had my period and was in a really shitty mood. I ended up taking him for a walk, litterary, around the block.

The thing is, being taken for a walk is one of the first things he suggested that I should do with him. I'm sure he imagined a quiet forest path with no one around, but he never specified that and I am the one in charge after all. He was wearing a leash underneath his jacket, so it wasn't really visible. It excited through his sleeve, and I held on to it there. He was mortified! I had so much fun, seeing him all cowered and emabarsed like that. There were a lot of people outside, but I'm pretty sure that no one noticed anything.

Except from the walk, I just spanked him a bit and let him on his way. Not a very rewarding session, but it was all I had the energy to do.

For my birthday, which was just before Christmas, T got me a pair of real police quality hand cuffs! I was absolutly thrilled, I don't think he could have gotten me anything better. I've been playing around with them ever since, bringing them with me everywhere and showing them off to everyone. We haven't played with them yet, but we will.

Just before I left to go to my parents house for Christmas, T and me had another quicky. I like that, I really do. He came visiting me at my parents house, and we did it there as well. It started out as just a quicky, but I was really wet so we ended up doing it for a bit longer. I had a very nice orgasm, in my parents house, in the guest bed. That was cool.

So yeah, December wasn't so bad, but nothing much has happened since then. I'll update this blogg with more information as soon as I have something to tell.