Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Porn works

Wached porn. Had sex. *grins*

Oh, and so far I really like the work of Mike Beck (Swedish porn producer). We'll definitely see more of his work in the future.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Mile High Club, kinda..

No, I didn't ACTUALLY have sex with another person over a mile above the ground.

However, I did masturbate and have an orgasm in an airplane lavatory while it was high above the clouds. It was cramped and clumsy, but I did do it. (Can't imagine how two people manage to have sex in there, when I had serious trouble fitting just me in there. Alone.) The orgasm wasn't great, but it's better than no orgasm at all. And for once I did it with just my hand. No toys, nothing to rub against, nothing. Now, that's very rare! I'm glad I still have "the touch".

On a different note: While I was visting the capital, I payed a visit to the best sex shop in Norway: Orion. Though there were a lot of very tempting items I wanted, I showed some restraint and only bought the lube I had come there to get. It's called Pjur, and I believe I've mentioned it before. I searched for it up here, but the local sex shop doesn't have that brand. I've previously used the one called Pjur Original, mainly because I didn't know there were any other Pjur products out there. However, it's been at least four years since the last time I bought any lube, so I thought it would be about time. In the last few years Pjur launched a Woman series. I asked one who worked at Orion about it, and she said she didn't know of any difference between the Woman and the Original series other than the packaging. However, I liked the size of the Woman one (100ml), so I bought that one. Looking forward to trying it out.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Birthday sex

A couple of days ago, it was my 23rd birthday. Even though both T and I were sick with the cold, we still fucked. It was nice. Haven't had sex in quite some time. I wasn't in the mood for a long foreplay and stuff, so I just used some lube. Because of that, I didn't think I'd manage to come. Wasn't really planning for it. However, T managed to trick me into becoming really horny. So I came anyway. He's good at that. *grins*

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Rock Chick

I just ordered a new sex toy. It was somewhat of a spur of the moment thing. I've just gotten my first pay check from the new job and besides I've been wanting this toy for several months now. I feel the need to explore the world of g-spot orgasms a bit further. Sure, I do get them, but I just have this feeling that there's more sensations out there (or rather.. in there) to be discovered.

The new toy is called a Rock-Chick. It's made out of silicone, is very flexible and is meant to stimulate both the g-spot and the clit simultaneously. I've been searching around on various porn versions of youtube, to see if anyone had posted a video with it, but I couldn't find any. Anyhow, here's the company's website:

Buying the toy in Norway meant paying about 500 NOK plus postage and stuff. Not happening! I looked around on various English/American webshops, but there are SO many out there and I have no clue how reliable they are or how long they take to ship things to Norway. In the end, I just gave up looking and bought it from the company's website. At least they ought to be reliable. It ended up at a total of 36 pounds (including the 6 pounds postage and handling), and with today's currency rates that equals 372 NOK. Not half bad, in my opinion.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Using a butt plugg all on my own

I bought this rather small butt plugg (looking like this) months ago, because me and T were planning on experiementing a bit more with anal play. Then real life happened, and just having regular sex was demanding enough. Experimentation would have to wait for us to have more energy as well as more time on our hands.

Then last night I felt horny and wanted to masturbate. The last few times I've done it, I've gotten tiny ruptures in the sensitive skin down there, probably because I'm too impatient and horny to give my body time to adjust. Anyhow, that's not a nice feeling. And allthough I'm more than wet enough on my own, I've been recomended to use some lube as it'll actually lube me up better than my own juices. So I descided I'd try it out. And since I had the lube out anyway, rubbing it in just a bit further back wasn't that big a step.

Now, my lube is amazing. It's not one of those nasty, oil-based ones. And it's not a water-based one that just dissappears and you have to use tons. It's silicone-based, and I love it! Just in case any of you want to get it for yourself.: Here's a picture. It's called Pjur Original, and is sentless, tasteless, with no oils or perfume. It can be used on/in any part of the body, though I wouldn't recomend eating bottles of it. For regular use, a bottle will last you for ages; as just a few drops is all you need each time.

I've had stuff in my ass before. Both objects, sex toys and people's fingers. In fact, one of the best orgasms I've ever had was with a vibrating butt plugg up my ass (along with various other toys in various other openings). But it's been several years, and I've never actually done any anal play alone before. So I lubed up and expected a hard time.

It wasn't actually that difficult getting it inn as I'd feared (though I must have been a bit too rough, as it did hurt a bit later that night). And I guess it didn't feel half bad. However, it didn't feel that wonderfull either. Yes, I do suppose I felt fuller. And I did get a very nice orgasm while it was up there. But I don't think the orgasm would have felt any less good if it hadn't been there at all.. So all in all, it was fun having done it. But I probably won't do it again in a hurry. Not alone anyhow. With a partner it might be different, because I'd really like to try out real anal sex.. And the butt plugg might be a good warm up for that.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Hurting people

Chatting with a masochist from another city today, I realised something: I really, really miss being Sadistic towards someone. Hurting someone, making them groan and shout.

Notice I didn't write Dominate, as I'm mainly attracted to the Sadistic part of it all. Sure, I can make up rules and such.. But really, what I want is to physically hurt and humiliate someone. Tie him up. Make him take whatever I do to him.

Him. A man. CBT (Cock and Ball torture) is also something I've realised that I like doing. But with a moderation, obviously! I would never do anything that might actually harm those precious parts. For some reason I consider the genitals of a woman a lot more intimate than those of a man. Perhaps because a man's is easier to access... I don't know. I just don't feel that grabbing a man's cock and balls is that intimate. Touching a woman's clit or putting something in her seems SO much more like sex to me. I don't know why. Perhaps because I'm a woman myself.

Another reason why I'd prefer a man to torture is because men have to be so brave all the time. So closed up. So solid. I like the power I'm given when I'm being sadistic towards someone and they're ok with it. Deep down, I do believe they're slightly mad.. But as long as they seem sane and can take conscious decisions, I guess I just have to be ok with it. They are letting me. They want me to. So I do it. And I love it!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Touching is what I prefer

So yeah: The party.

Very little happened to me this time, other than being cuffed and tied up when I was supposed to go in a car and pick up someone who'd just arrived down by the road. I had a great time, but as I was so tired we (me and T) found it best to leave me more alone than we did the last time. That doesn't mean I wasn't active, though!

First I took part in tying up a young girl. Let's name her DF for now. A couple of the others went at her with a bull whip. She loved every second and I was glad I was part of the aftermath of that session. She needed support and encourangement, which I was happy to give her. I like being there for people when they need it.

Later, I wrestled with another girl on the floor, wached by a bunsh of men. I don't think I've named anyone M yet, so she'll get that name. I knew I could take her, as I'm almost twice as heavy as her. Then I held her down while testing different tools on her buttocks: Crop, paddles, whips etc. A lot of fun for us both. It was also a bit challenging as I've never done anything similar with her before and didn't know how far to push her.

Later that same evening, she got tied up and blindfolded. I was allowed to play more with her, and this time that included clamps. Again: A lot of fun. During the entire time, her bf was there waching us. I looked to him for guidance, and would have felt much more insecure without him.

From these incidents I learnt that I prefer a hands-on approach to BDSM rather than being further away. I like body contact, intimacy, the feeling of someone's skin under my hands. Which is probably the main reason why I prefer paddles and crops to longer whips. The former also gives me much more presicion when I hit (both strength and location), which is something I appreciate. But like I said, most of all I like touching.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Another BDSM Party

This is more a memo to myself than a blog entry to any of you:

I must remember to write about the BDSM party I was at last weeked. Even though I was exhausted before we even began, it was still alot of fun.

I don't have time to write now, but maybe in a week or two... Perhaps.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Bondage bed

When I first moved away to go to University, I bought a bed. A beautiful, 1m50cm wide, black cast iron bed. It was love at first sight, and I still adore it. My parents never knew, but the reason why I insisted on a cast iron bed was for bondage purposes. The last two years, I've been living in a tiny flat that didn't have room for such a large bed. In stead I've had a 1m20cm bed without any bed posts at all. Horrible for anything related to BDSM, obviously.Now, in this new flat, there is a separate bedroom which has plenty of room for my own bed. I'm greatly enjoying having it back, both alone and together with T.

Whenever I masturbate alone, I tend to hook my legs in the footboard. Well, it isn't actually a "board", it's more like cast iron bars spaced 10-15cm appart. This means that I can hook my feet in there and pretend I'm stuck. With my feet inn, I can just reach the headboard (bars there too) with my hand, imagining I'm spread out. If I want my hands available, I go lower on the bed and slide my legs in among the bars, up to the knees. Can't move much at all! Usually, I put my legs in quite a bit apart, to underline the illusion that I'm tied down against my will.

This position will make me come alot faster than virtually any other position. I'm just so glad I've got my bed back!

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Necessity is the Mother of Invention

I slept late this morning. T woke me up by snuggling me. Then we lay around, kissing and touching for over an hour before we finally actually had sex. I love having sex late in the morning. He quickly got a cramp in his thigh, which put a real damper on the mood. However, I refused to give up and we ended up trying an almost new position. We tried something similar about three years ago, but not with as much sucess. We probably did a better job with it now, because we know eachother better and have had alot more sex.

He was sitting up and leaning back on some pillows with his legs spread. I was sitting on my knees between his legs with my back to him. I put my legs underneath his thighs, standing on all four, and just leaned back onto his dick. He had a great view of my ass and ample oportunity to fondle it. The great part was that he didn't have to do any work, no movement, which made his cramp better. I had full controll over depth and tempo, which I enjoy. By sitting up more, I could even change the angle of penetration. It's like a doggy style, but with him sitting in stead of standing.. Or like me stradling him, but backwards and between his legs instead of accross them. Anyhow, it was very enjoyable and we'll definitly do it again. Perhaps with some anal play next time. We still have an analplug we've never tried. 

I'm looking forward to next time.

Monday, August 4, 2008


This new place has a complex shower head with multiple settings. Among them is a couple of different massage settings, one of which is hard and pulsing. I've never previously been able to come by only using the shower, but obviously I hadn't tried the right shower...

Not around

This is what lacking internet connection does to a person. I haven't been around all summer and that's the cause.

The good news is that I've had quite alot of sex. Never as much as I'd like, but more than I had this spring. So yeah!

Friday, May 23, 2008

Mutual masturbation

T and I haven't had sex in ages, because he's hurt himself. Any sharp movements or odd angles hurt. But just because we haven't had penetrating sex doesn't mean we haven't done other sexual activities.

Just this other night is a good example: We were going to bed, and were supposed to sleep. He'd just showered and still smelled nice and clean, and I knew his dick would be completely clean as well. I'd wanted to give him a blow job for several days, so that's exactly what I did. It was very nice. I genuinely enjoy giving blow jobs. He jerked off while having a tit in his mouth and a hand on my ass. I really felt involved, which is nice.

He went to the bathroom to clean up, and I wanted to come as well. So I started playing around with my vibrator (the pink one). I wrapped myself into my cover, to restrict my movements as much as possible. A little self-bondage there. When T got back from the bathroom, he laid on top of me, making it even more difficult to move. And just like that, with a vibrator on my clit, I came. It was nice. I enjoy involving him sometimes, and have done similar things several times before.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008


When I masturbate (or whenever I'm horny really), I don't have a video playing in my head. I don't imagine scenes at all, really, and I especially don't have any faces. I might imagine what I would describe as still frames, photos, but with sensations.
FLASH! The feeling of being bound.
FLASH! Knowing I'm watched.
FLASH! The feeling of being spanked.
FLASH! A cock entering my pussy.
Just single flashes of sensation, no action, not much of a setting and no background information. Sure, I enjoy reading erotic stories, but I don’t fantasize about them later on. I don’t have a movie playing in my head.

And like I said: Even in those single flashes of emotion and sensation, there are no faces. There never has been. I don’t dream about my boyfriend when I’m masturbating. Or a movie star for that matter. I don’t dream about anyone, because I’m so focused on ME. My feelings, my emotions, my sensations. Faces are unimportant, because there is no story, no action, where they are important.

Last night was different. I was lying in bed, unable to fall asleep, fantasizing about one particular girl. The face, the body, the voice, the hair, the posture. Everything. Still, there wasn’t much action, but there was definitely more than still frames. I’ve never experienced that before. Not even with people I’m madly in love with. It’s odd. Must mean I really want that girl. It’s not love. Has nothing to do with love. It’s sex. I want her.

And no. I’m not telling who it is. Perhaps it’s you. Perhaps not. I won’t tell. 

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Unhealthy things

I don't like to do things that are obviously unhealthy or dangerous. Like needle-play, blood games or breath-control. No, it (probably) won't kill me. But messing with the body's natural functions or purposfully breaking the natural barrier of the skin... It dones't feel right. Same reason I don't want piercings, I suppose. Sure, they look cool on other people. Just like breath control sounds kinda fascinating. But it's just not for me.

In this same cathegory comes breast torture. Sure, a mild version of breast bondage is ok. But honestly: Nipples that are pulled as far away from the body as they can go, and then some.. Red-blue boobs that look more like some exotic fruit than a breast.. There's NOTHING sexy about that. Scary, that's what it is. And not in a good way.

At least, that's how I feel.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Stange and funny things

I just sumbled upon another sex blog. This one is written by a woman who's MUCH more extreme than I am (or will ever be). However, she has many interesting pictures of what's been done to her. That I can like. Nice way to get inspired.

I liked (though "liked" probably isn't the right word) this picture in particular:

The circle of pain

I've added her blog to the links on the right hand side.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Wanting to fuck women

When I was abroad during Easter, I got my first ever proposition from a girl. A bunch of people had been playing "I have never" or "Never have I ever" or whatever it's called (no one could seem to agree). A drinking game involving telling intimate stuff about yourself anyway. So I talked about how I don't fall in love with women, but am sexually attracted to them. I’m bisexual. I’ve got a boyfriend, but as long as I ask his permission, he should in theory be ok with me fucking another woman. This has only been put to the test once, though.

Anyhow, this really drunk (but admittedly really hot) woman got very curious about this. I can’t remember her exact words, but essentially she wanted us to fuck. There and then. Turning her down was hard. Very hard. But she was minbogglingy drunk, and I knew it was (mainly) the alcohol talking. I joked with her, telling she’d never acted like that if she’d been sober. If she still remembered in the morning, and didn’t just feel embarrassed, we’d talk about it then.

Of course, she didn’t remember. I actually spoke with her about it the next evening, and she denied ever having said such a thing. I had witnesses though. This all happened around a kitchen table, after all. She got very confused, and just like I thought, she wouldn’t have said something like that if she’d been sober. Kind of disappointing really, because I would have enjoyed fucking her. But you can’t force people. Especially sober, uncertain British people.

Anyhow, this got me thinking. I’m full of big words, telling every hot chick I think can take it (and some who can’t), how much I’d like to fuck them. But I never actually make a move. I think it’s because I’m afraid of being rejected. I don’t have self-confidence enough to fill a tea spoon with. Not with regarding to my looks anyway. I don’t think I’m sexy. I don’t think I’m fuckable. I don’t get why ANYONE would be turned on by me. Once in a while, some people are. I don’t get that, but I embrace it with all that I have. The previous girl I fucked was like that. All flirty and obviously interested. So we fucked. And although it wasn’t a particularly good fuck (not for me anyhow), it did great things to my ego. Giving me some hope that I might actually be sexy, or at least fuckable, after all. But that hope dwindled fast, and it’s been a long time.

With men it’s different. Getting a man to bed is SO easy. Mainly because most men don’t care what they fuck as long as it’s willing to be fucked by them. And most women aren’t that willing, so my job’s pretty easy. Women though.. Women are tricky. They know their worth; having been around guys they know how much they’re in demand. And women aren’t controlled by their desires in the same way, so they are much more difficult to get into bed.

So where am I going with all this philosophy? Not far, really. My point is merely that I don’t proposition women. They have to come on to me. I might talk and laugh, making my desires known (at least in the broad sense), but I don’t have the confidence to actually make a move. I can’t. I don’t even feel like trying. You might call me stupid, or chicken, but the fact is this: If you want me, you have got to tell me so. In no uncertain terms. Come on to me, and then we might see some action. Because chances are, I will never, ever come on to you.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Sh! New toy!

Some time ago I wrote about my toys. Yes, the ones that run on batteries. Well, as you might recall I have (or rather: had) two eggs that I like a lot. When both died within a month of each other, you can imagine I got quite upset. The first one to go was the tiger egg. Just stopped working one day. Connection issue inside the egg, I think. Very common malfunction, because the cord gets pulled a lot. I don’t care though. They don’t cost that much. Now, the tiger egg was supposedly water proof, so that’s the one I’ve been bringing to the shower. When it died, I brought the silver bullet to the shower instead. Of course, it isn’t even close to waterproof, and so it died as well. Very saddening, especially since I was quite horny at the time.

So when I went to London, I had to go sex toy shopping. T and I stopped by several stores, but most were the common, dirty, dark variety that you find a lot of around here. I say most, because one was very different. It’s called Sh!, and is run by women for women. The only way a guy can get in is when he’s accompanied by a woman. They are always open. Every day. Including Saturdays and Sundays. Until 8 in the evening! Me and T arrived at quarter to seven on our first evening in London, after walking around lost for the past half hour. It was dark outside, raining, and we felt miserable. I entered this bright, warm, pleasant place. Wooden floors. Clean. Well lit. Three women sit around chatting, all apparently working there. One gets up, asks if we’d like a cup of tea and takes away our coats. From that moment I was in love with Sh!. So we walked around there, steaming mugs of tea in hand, looking at all these great toys (at very affordable prices compared to other places I’ve seen). Downstairs there were more toys as well as lingerie and corsets. They even had lingerie for big people like me. On a large table upstairs, many of the vibrators and other buzzing toys were put out on display. Anyone could turn them on and feel the vibration (with their hands, obviously, not any other body part). The staff were extremely helpful and welcoming. All in all a great shop that I’d recommend to anyone going to London.

I bought a new vibrating egg. This one is pale purple in colour and has four settings. The vibration is incredibly strong on the strongest setting. The first two are more than enough for me. But I like that I have the possibility to go higher if I want to.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

BDSM weekend

This weekend the local BDSM club has rented a cabin and is throwing a three-day party just for BDSM people. T and I were there Friday and parts of Saturday, and had a great time! Pet was supposed to be there as well, but he got sick. There was BDSM furniture that had been brought many miles by car from a different town, a real fucking machine, a vacuum bed and a lot of other BDSM paraphernalia. Here are some glimpses from Friday night:

Boobs, sexy clothing.

An intimate and friendly atmosphere, just enough people to get things going.

Touching S, feeling her up.

Sitting at the floor by T's feet.

Being used as a foot stool by S, looking straight up her short skirt.

Being bent over a BDSM furniture, getting spanked by T and S, not knowing who was wielding the flogger/whip/crop. Being in a room with the door open, people passing by and stopping to watch, but me not knowing who they were because I was bent down and not able to see them. A submissive exhibitionist's wet dream. I'm actually getting horny again just writing this.

S using a riding crop on me (same scene as above). Fuck, she's good with it! Actually being DOMINATED and not just played along with for the first time in years. Being brought to tears from the pain, and then touched and petted and comforted afterwards by both S and T.

Being finger fucked (same scene as above) by T, while being stroked and patted by S. Not being sure  who's hands were doing what. I was dripping wet and horny.

Nibbling and biting S' shoulders, neck and throat (still same session). Her moaning and rising up towards me. Her breasts being bare. T touching and licking them.

Giving T a blowjob, right there on the floor (still same place and period of time).

All this time people were going by, watching, listening!

Going upstairs (bedroom, after the previous scene), having sex with T, with an audience of 4-5 people (including S). Not a great success, and I was a bit stressed out and self concious. Neither of us orgasmed. It would have been different with just S there.

It was an absolutely brilliant evening!

And now I'm going to masturbate while thinking about it.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Sex again

I had sex on Sunday. Twice. Or rather one and a half. Don't really have the time to elaborate on this, but it was the first time in two months so it felt very good. :) I've masturbated more these last few days than I have in the last month or so.

Friday, March 7, 2008

She's making a list, and checking it...

I have come to the realisation that mentally unstable people are not sexy, hot or attractive. They might still be nice and friendly and likeable, but not sexy in the same was as sane people are.

I really should have come to this conclusion before. Oh, well.. That's one girl off my list.

On the other hand, there's a new girl on it: S. She's a tall, beautiull girl, who's sexy in a kind of funky way. And she (like all the rest) have gorgeous breasts. She's active in the BDSM organisation I've talked about. Oh, and mostly because of her and C, B is slowly getting her eyes open to BDSM as well.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

BDSM organisation

Wow, it's been a while. That's mainly because I've had very, very little sex. Don't think I've had sex in a month or so actually. First I got my period, then T got sick. Right now it's the winter hollidays though, so I'm hoping for some action within the next few days.

I was at a new meeting in the BDSMorganisation on Friday. This local organisation, or perhaps I should call it a club, as recently joined forces with a nation wide BDSM organisation. This nation wide organisation will handle the political stuff and most of the administrative stuff. I think that’s a good thing.

This local organisation actually spans four different towns, and each town has a representative or two, that greets new and potential members and generally speak for the organisation in that town. And in my town, I am the one. Yay! I don’t wish my own phone number to be out there, so the organisation is providing me with another phone. That’s so people can call and ask questions about BDSM and such. I’m very happy about all this.

Yesterday, I met some people from that organisation again. That was to discuss more serious stuff. That evening, some of us wanted to hang out some more, so we went home to my place. I must say, I truly enjoyed having four beautiful women in my tiny apartment. Three of them even on my bed. There were so many gorgeous boobs around. *drools* I want them all. I guess I’m not as picky when it comes to women. Hehe!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

A Sadist and a submissive...

That title sounds like the beginning of a joke, but this isn't a joke. This is about me being despirited and sad and empty.

I've been thinking about how I should Dominated Pet again soon.. Have a new session with him. However, I'm not sure I want to. I think it's because I'm afraid of running out of ideas. There are only so much you can do in a tiny apartment like this, and I have come to realise that me and Pet have very different needs.. Wants.. When it comes to BDSM.

Pet wants to be physically overpowered and constrained. He wants me to humiliate him as much as I can and as hard as I can, but doesn’t take well to being embarrassed. Taking a walk in public did not arouse him, for example. He doesn’t mind being scolded or shouted at, and wants to feel small and unworthy. So far his main “complaint” after the sessions has been that he wants to be held down more, forced more.

This just doesn’t work for me. First of all, there’s no chance in hell that I can physically overpower him. At least not in here where I’m afraid I’ll hurt him or myself by bumping into things. If I’d had a 4x4 padded room, yes maybe I could have brought him to his knees, if I was quick and fought dirty. Pet is not tall for a guy but he’s strong and heavy. I can’t bring him down by force.

With that out the window there isn’t much left. Sure I’ve made him drink from a bowl and used him as a foot stool, but it didn’t seem to appeal as much to him as he thought it would. He’s immensely turned on by pony play, but I’m way to heavy to ride him, don’t fit into high boot and even though I do have a riding crop and he does have a suitable gag, it just isn’t the same when we are constricted to this tiny area. I can’t take him out, as we live in the middle of town.

The thing is, he and I are not as different. One of the parts I love the most when T is Dominating me, is when we wrestle and he shows himself to be stronger than me. I love being held down, struggling to get away, yet unable to do so. T is heavy and strong, much stronger than me, and I love it. I love the feeling of him being able to do whatever he wants with me, and me being unable to stop him. So yeah, I definitely see where Pet is coming from, but I can’t fulfil that need.

When I’m on Top I don’t get many ideas for the whole physical overpowering thing, because I know I can’t do it anyway. I’m not so much of a Dominant as a Sadist. I love to hurt men, physically. I love to strike them, slap them, spank them, whip them, use warm wax, ice cubes, clamps, crops, tie them up in uncomfortable positions and so on and so on. And I have TONS of ideas for this. Places to tie him up, ways to tie him up, what to use my new and shiny hand cuffs for etc. I know of so many ways to physically hurt a man, but I know it’s no use. Pet doesn’t really mind being hurt, as long as it’s for the purpose of humiliating him or punishing him. I want to hurt him because I want to hurt him. I like hurting him, like hearing him sigh and moan, like watching him tense up and try to move away. I like it when he sobs, close to crying. I want to make him so small and hurting so much he starts crying for real. It’s been done to me, and I loved it. It’s an amazing form of release. And I like comforting and praising him afterwards, telling him how good he was. I can do this, I know I can.

I can’t do the whole roleplay bit. I can’t be angry, shout and yell, tell them how mad I am at them and how horrible they are. It isn’t true. I can in a calm and logical voice tell him how much I am giving up to be there with him doing the things I’m doing, how much he doesn’t really deserve that… But that’s as far as I’ve gone, and I think that’s as far as I can go. What I usually do is laugh and smile, because I feel good when I make him hurt. I’m happy that he lets me hurt him and it amuses me to see him in pain. God, I sound like such a monster. Am I really so bad? I wouldn’t like to hurt someone “for real”. Everything is consensual, that’s where all the fun is. I could never abuse someone who didn’t want me to.

So what can I do? What shall I do? We aren’t incompatible, but very, very different. Does anyone have any ideas for what I can do to him that he would like? Then perhaps I can hit him some more afterwards... Give and take: I do something that he wants and get to do something to him that I want. Or at least that’s how I think it can work. I think a true masochist would be more fun for me than a sub, but I suppose I have to work with what I have.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Simultaneous masturbation

We masturbated last night, T and I. It was really nice, because neither of us were in the mood for the whole consensual sex thing. He was in front of his computer, reading an erotic novel and watching some porn and such. I was lying in bed, reading an erotic magazine, all covered so I wouldn't freeze. And so we masturbated. It had nothing to do with the other person. There was no touching, no secret glances, no "ooo, let's masturbate in front of each other", no nothing. We might as well have been doing something completely different. It was very nice. This might sound odd to you people, but to me it demonstrates how close we are and how relaxed we are about our sexuality.

T often masturbates while I'm around, doing other (non-related) things. Our apartment is so small, it would be difficult to avoid. Neither of us feels like having sex every single day, and sometimes just having sex with yourself is nice too. It was odd for him at first, having someone there when he was doing it, but he's gotten used to it.

Last night, I wore my new handcuffs while masturbating. It was nice. I've worn my other pair (the replica hand cuffs) before, but they give very little mobility as they don't have a chain between the hands. The whole thing is just one piece, which also means that I can slip out of them if I try. They can't be tightened. My new ones are modern, with a short chain between the hands, and a double lock so that they can't be tightened by accident. It turns me on just having them on, because I really can't get loose.

While I was masturbating last night, trying to get a second orgasm, my tiger egg died. It was very frustrating, because I had very limited mobility and the vibrations in the tiger striped egg is a lot better than in my other one. However, I managed to come once more with just the other vibrator I had at hand (the dolphin). I wrote about my toys on the 10th of December 2007, so if you are confused you should read that entry. I'm going to have to get a new tiger egg. It's viability has been surprisingly long, close to two years in fact. I'm pretty sure it's a connection issue inside the egg itself, which has happened because I pull the cord too much. Oh well.. Pandora's Closet has an online shop as well as a real life one, so I think I'm getting one from them.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Almost an un-sexy Christmas

I haven't posted anything for a couple of weeks, mostly due to the fact that I've been very busy. In a non-sexual way. It's been Christmas and all, which means a lot of traveling, stress and family dinners. I'm very happy to be back home. Here's a bit of an update of the few things that happened before Christmas:

I saw Pet once more in December, on the 15th. I really wasn't in the mood to play with him, but thought I owed it to him. Besides, I had my period and was in a really shitty mood. I ended up taking him for a walk, litterary, around the block.

The thing is, being taken for a walk is one of the first things he suggested that I should do with him. I'm sure he imagined a quiet forest path with no one around, but he never specified that and I am the one in charge after all. He was wearing a leash underneath his jacket, so it wasn't really visible. It excited through his sleeve, and I held on to it there. He was mortified! I had so much fun, seeing him all cowered and emabarsed like that. There were a lot of people outside, but I'm pretty sure that no one noticed anything.

Except from the walk, I just spanked him a bit and let him on his way. Not a very rewarding session, but it was all I had the energy to do.

For my birthday, which was just before Christmas, T got me a pair of real police quality hand cuffs! I was absolutly thrilled, I don't think he could have gotten me anything better. I've been playing around with them ever since, bringing them with me everywhere and showing them off to everyone. We haven't played with them yet, but we will.

Just before I left to go to my parents house for Christmas, T and me had another quicky. I like that, I really do. He came visiting me at my parents house, and we did it there as well. It started out as just a quicky, but I was really wet so we ended up doing it for a bit longer. I had a very nice orgasm, in my parents house, in the guest bed. That was cool.

So yeah, December wasn't so bad, but nothing much has happened since then. I'll update this blogg with more information as soon as I have something to tell.